Well I did it

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Joined: 02/20/11
Posts: 865
Well I did it

I gave my husband an ultimatum. Either he works on our relationship or it's o er. He has until July 15. I have nit received one hug, one offer to help me with anything ( not even to being in the groceries) or had one conversation with him since I got pregnant, and not much before that. He ignores our daughter and goes out almost every night. I am lonely, tired and need someone I can cpunt on, not someone I resent. I know he needs to be on medication but this runs deeper. I promised I wouldn't move away and that he can see his girls whenever he wants. He is not a bad person, he is not a deadbeat, our relationship is just dead. We'll see if he's ready to try and change and work on us loving each other again, but having been rejected day after day, I just can't handle it anymore. I would rather be a single Mom, than a married one who resents not being loved and not having the help I need.

Thanks for listening. I just hope I have the courage to follow through. Until then I'm going to vleN and purge as if we were selling the house, and the best case scenario we'll have a nicer place to live.

sweetsriracha's picture
Joined: 03/29/11
Posts: 1318

I wish you courage and energy!

Sending you thoughts and hugs :bighug: during this tough time.

Good luck!

Joined: 05/17/06
Posts: 370

Wow, sorry you are going through this Carrianne. I hope he wises up and decides to make a change. Otherwise I know you will pull through this and make a great life for yourself and your girls. Do you have family nearby to help you through all this? Good luck & take care of yourself.

Joined: 02/20/11
Posts: 865

Thanks girls. Unfortunately, my family lives 3000 miles away. I think we'd have split up before this if he wasn't so scared I'd move back. I've just realized more and more how selfish and uncompromising he is. It's his way or the highway, and yet he won't initiate anything and thus is miserable when things don't go his way. I hate to kick him when he's down (he's been out if work for a few months now) but he won't help himself up. He's just waiting for something to be handed to him. We deserve better.

ashamom27's picture
Joined: 07/06/06
Posts: 1010

Big hugs to you. It must be draining. My IRL life friend has a similar situation, so I think I understand what you are going through. Her DH has been out of work for 2 years now.
I can see that you are a very strong woman and you will fight for a good life for your girls. You will be in my thoughts!

Summer05's picture
Joined: 09/18/05
Posts: 790

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Wishing you loads of energy for cleaning and purging! That's not behaviour to be tolerated but must be so tough on you. Maybe this is the tough love he needs to start making changes. Good for you anyway for knowing you and the girls deserve better. Great big hugs!

brady_bunch_plus_one's picture
Joined: 11/27/04
Posts: 399

Just my 2 cents, You gave him the ultimation now stick with it. Just a little background on me.I spent 12 years with my former DH.Miserable for about half of that time and I just kept holding out hope he would somehow change.Finally one morning I woke up and realized that I didnt know who I was because I was putting everything into a relationship with someone who wasnt giving me what I needed in return. I told him things changed or he was gone. 6 months! He didnt change anything and thought for sure I was bluffing and couldnt and wouldnt do things on my own. Finally when that 6 months was up I made him move out.I went to my landlord and had signed my renewal lease without him on it and she told him he no longer lived here once he refused to leave.That was about a year and half ago.Today I am happier than I remember being in such a long time.It was hard in the beginning to go to being a single mom.While i didnt think he did much when he was here just having someone here helped.But I did it.I figured out what worked for me and what worked for my kids.I can honestly say that for the first time in 6 years I am totally content in my life.I still have drama with him ( he is still not dealing well with the seperation or my being with someone else and pregnant) but when I lay my head down at night I am content.
Following through is the hardest part.Know that you have made the right choice and that you CAN and WILL be able to do this by yourself if he isnt able to step up to the plate and do what he needs to do.HUGS.

Joined: 02/20/11
Posts: 865

Thanks girls! I've got a plan in place. I figured out how much I can potentially get for the house and with the good job I have, should be able to buy a three bedroom condo if need be. When I got home last night he didn't complain about missing his music practise, and actually had a civil conversation with me about the renovations we want to start doing. It's the first time we haven't argued in a long time. When the work starts well really see how it's going to be, and if anything well add a lot of value to the house. I'm strong and independent enough to get through this.

sugspop's picture
Joined: 02/22/07
Posts: 1418

This is a tough thing to go through with kids and being pregnant, but it is brave of you to realize it wasn't working and to make a change for the better. I am wishing all the best for you!

Starryblue702's picture
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454

I'm so sorry Carrianne... I've had this conversation with my DH once, too, and it wasn't pleasant. Have you tried asking him to go to marriage counseling with you? Because even if he decides to grow up and take responsibility as a husband and a father, you guys need a lot of help if you're going to make it work... especially on his end! I'm glad that you put your foot down... I know it's hard to think about, but you most certainly can be an great and wonderful mother without him.

MelanieP's picture
Joined: 09/25/09
Posts: 882

I think you are such a strong woman for standing up for yourself and children...good for you. You do deserve better. I really hope that he does smarten up for you and the kids. I am glad his response the first night was to talk to you and not complain...instead of fight or not talk. Please keep us updated and remember we are here to talk if you need. Take care!

Joined: 02/20/11
Posts: 865

Well it's been a couple of days and I've seen some improvements, although slight. I've decided that it is too much for someone to change overnight so I've decided to ask him to make tiny changes every week and stick with them. The first was to stop yelling and he's done that. We have to draw up renovation plans for the contractor by Friday, then shop for supplies etc. It'll be a true test!!!