Post Partum Depression... after 5 weeks...?? or just stressed...

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Risstopher's picture
Joined: 02/29/12
Posts: 627
Post Partum Depression... after 5 weeks...?? or just stressed...

For the past week or so I've been feeling a little strange... I'm not sure if it's winter blues... post-holiday blues... stress... or actually post partum depression... in the past i've battled with anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder... lately i've been fixated on my calorie intake - my OCD has escalated to the point that i know i'm unbearable and really annoyint DH... a few days ago he was out food shopping and i couldn't get one of her blankets to fold right and i knew i needed to warm a bottle for her as she cried but i insisted for 5 minutes on folding this blanket until i finally texted DH that he needs to get home bc i'm ready to punch a wall... i finally rationalized and put the blanket away and tended to her ...

then yesterday was the worst... i let dishes go and her bottles go (not that thats bad, she had enough bottles made for her next 3 feedings and my sink just had a couple dishes in it), but i had planned on making dinner... on top of that i had her laundry to put away and i just felt extremely overwhelmed - i mean i could have asked DH to help me but instead i made it seem liike the weight of the world was on my shoulders (the reason i had to cook was because the only take out place that had a 'safe' food meaning i wouldn't gain weight from it on the menu was closes), so now i had to cook, clean, ect... i just had it - and i took a bowl in the sink and threw it down and i broke everywhere, DH screamed at me, him and i have never raised our voices to each other - i just felt awful... i cried the entire rest of the night and i felt like a terrible mother, wife and person... my eyes are swollen and i get teaful thinking about it...

it gets a little worse from here, even thogh DH quickly calmed down -we made up, and discussed how i need to get back into counseling... so i went online and looked up symptoms of PPD, what scared me and set me off into another hysterical bout of crying was the line "PPD needs to be considered and emergency and treated immediately as you are liable to hurt your baby or yourself at any given time suddenly"... i NEVER feel the urge to hurt her or myself, but the control i lost over throwing hte bowl really scared me - and i thought "am i capable of this?" ive heard of mothers doing this and i became terrified to the point where i was SCARED now, however i wasn't before... but DH is going back to work today along with my mom and sister after having a week off from work - i have had someone with me every day basically since ive had her, now i have a long winter to face just me and her, and i'm sure i can do it - but i guess i just got scared. i feel better today aside from the reminents of a headache and swollen eyes from last night... i'm trying to let things go (dishes, laundry, ect...) until she sleeps, because maybe i was just trying to be 'too perfect' when i shouldn't have been...

sorry this is so long, but i need some viewpoints, help and/or encouragement as i am feeling pretty bad about myself and a little confused right now... thank you all

haysmama's picture
Joined: 02/23/08
Posts: 1181

Well, I'm not a therapist or counselor anything close to it, but it sounds like you could benefit from that kind of help. The things you described I would not consider "normal" but it sounds more like anxiety and OCD than PPD. I have not had to deal with any of those issues, so don't take my word for it. Adjusting to a new baby can be really difficult, especially the first one. I remember having a hard time with my first. It was really overwhelming and life did a 180 on me. That may just be elevating your OCD symptoms. The line you quoted about PPD needing to be considered an emergency, etc. sounds more like postpartum psychosis, not depression. If you look at the webmd website there is an interactive quiz to help you determine if you're suffering from depression. Also it explains the symptoms pretty clearly. I would discuss it with your doctor at your postpartum check up for sure. Hang in there! You're not alone.

Risstopher's picture
Joined: 02/29/12
Posts: 627

thank you

i took the first step, i called the PPD hotline that the hospital gave me - thank God i kept that, they actually gave me the phone number of a place in my town - so i called them up, gave them all my information and they're submitting it and calling me back to make an appointment.

at the moment i just feel fearful and anxious and i cant wait for them to call me back.

alwayssmile's picture
Joined: 08/26/07
Posts: 14483

Being aware that things aren't right is a great step! I don't have any advice but know you're not the only one feeling overwhelmed and off. ((hugs))

Kier's picture
Joined: 03/12/12
Posts: 1973

I have had PPD after my last 2, and on meds for it now... Though struggling to remember to take it. I probably had it after my 2st, but not too bad. After DS2 I got to the point where I couldnt sleep. He slept fine, i just didnt. My ppd caused the insomnia, my lack of sleep made my ppd worse, and I just slowly spiraled. I finally saught out help after one night wherr I had the urge to cover DS2 and DH's heads with pillows. Not because I wanted to hurt them, but because the sound of them breathing was keeping me up. I went and spent the night on the couch and called and got an appt with my doc the next day.

My ppd heightens my anxiety (which causes the insomnia) and shortens my fuse. I get frazled way easier.

Regular PPD doesnt cause you to hurt your baby. How it effects each mommy differs. I tend to have anxiety normally, so for me it just gets heightened. It can also effect you differently each time you have it. With DD2 it caused insomnia, with DD I had a hard time feelingg connected to DS1, and gave me an even shorter fuse. This time I feel overly helicopter ish. Having an even harder time having my kids away from me than I usually do, not wanting Kellen out of my sight, and def just a heightened level of anxiety. With each kid I also have a heightened fear of DH cheating or leaving me, and a general feeling of disconnect with him... Not wanting him to kiss or even touch me. But, I can reconize what is going on, that I need to take my antidepressents, and that this is just a temporary thing. I have found techniques to calm myself and relax.

I would def recommend getting into counceling. It sounds like you have a tendancy towards depression in general ( eating dissorders, ocd, and anxiety can all be linked to depression). Your hormones being out of whack are probably amplifing it.

Hang in there, deep breathes, and just remember you are ok, and this is all a temparary feeling that will pass. You just need to identify it, what is causing it, and let it go

Risstopher's picture
Joined: 02/29/12
Posts: 627

thanks for the input - its greatly appreciated, as always!

so today i got my appointment made, it's for monday january 7. i actually feel good today - still a little anxious but less scared, so i wondered if it was even worth making the appointment, but i went ahead and did it anyway. since DH and i had been discussing me seeing a counselor since before i got pregnant i realize that even though i'm feeling good right now doesn't mean i still couldn't benefit from it.. so i'm a little nervous, but i think i need to do this, even if it's only for a short period of time.

Joined: 06/25/07
Posts: 342

I actually have a dr appointment tomorrow for ppd. I've been depressed and everyone around me says I've been real moody and I get angry and sad for no reason it seems so you are not alone in any of this. It seems a few of us are dealing with this. On a side note my mom thinks its ppd and it couldn't possibly be that she is overbearing and controlling. I had already made an appointment but she comes over and tells me oh I made you an appointment tomorrow so I can go with you. Really?! I'm 27, I can make my own appointment and I don't need you in there with me!

Risstopher's picture
Joined: 02/29/12
Posts: 627

awe man, I truly hope things get better for you Tiffany -because to go through each day feeling like this and only wanting to cuddle with new baby and be a good mom is not a good feeling. kup if you wish

Joined: 04/30/09
Posts: 2257

:lurk:
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have a long history with generalized anxiety disorder, (major) depression and had PPD with DD, though I didn't realize it until I was in counseling last spring for unrelated things. I never thought I had PPD because I didn't quite have that same hopelessness and sorrow driven state of being that came along with the depression I've experienced for so much of my life. I knew my anxiety was defiantly getting a little nuts, but I figured everyone's would with a new baby around. For me, PPD was all about being overwhelmed and feeling like I wasn't doing enough/being enough as a mother/wife/person etc. no matter how much support I had or how wonderful of a job I was doing.

I'm glad to hear you went ahead and called the PPD hotline to get some help. I'm sure you'll feel more in control with getting help (and more relaxed as a result) and because (as I'm sure you know) the sooner you address things the easier it is to overcome them. It's SO easy for those negative thoughts/compulsions etc to take over and it's NOT your fault.
:bigarmhug:

Joined: 07/14/07
Posts: 860

Here is a list of things I felt before I was diagnosed with PPD after the twins. I wrote it before I went, that way I didn't forget anything:

Worried
Anxious
Scared
Nervous
Feeling guilty
Hopelessness
Sad
Crying
Irritable
Angry
Miss being taken care of
Tired!
Lowered appetite
Not used to not leaving the house often
Bored
Lack of motivation (sometimes)
Having issues not being able to control things (schedule)
Not connecting with the boys like I want to....outsider looking in
Annoyed
Nothing to look forward to
Overwhelmed

Sometimes I feel fine, sometimes I feel a little off, sometimes I feel terrible and want to crawl out of my skin.

I agree, the first step is admitting something is wrong! I am on the lowest dose of Zoloft and feel so much better. Good luck!

Risstopher's picture
Joined: 02/29/12
Posts: 627

thank you harlee!

Joined: 06/25/07
Posts: 342

Well had my appointment but my doctor doesn't really like putting people on antidepressants and she says it might just be hormones so she wants me to try going on the birth control pill first and then come back in 2 months and see if that's been helping. I feel a bit disappointed but I hope it helps some. Maybe even help my anxiety.

Risstopher's picture
Joined: 02/29/12
Posts: 627

i hope it helps out!

Kier's picture
Joined: 03/12/12
Posts: 1973

Thats interesting. I started my antidepressents the day after Kellen was born this time around just because of my history. The BC route really wouldnt work well for me since it usually causes me to end up on antidepressants, and the fact that Im nursing. Why are your docs down there so anti giving you guys meds?

Risstopher's picture
Joined: 02/29/12
Posts: 627

yea i have problems with BC so i don't take it -ive tried 5 different kinds =/

harmonybear's picture
Joined: 06/06/07
Posts: 639

I think I might be having some mild PPD this time. I didn't have any with DD, but I'm so much more likely to be overwhelmed by things this time, and to break down into tears. It's not too bad (and it's only been this week that I've felt it), but if it doesn't go away soon I might bring it up to my midwife.

I hope everyone else is getting the help they need and that much happier times are on their way! :grouphug:

Joined: 06/25/07
Posts: 342

Definitely not trying to sound racist but my dr is Chinese and they try to avoid meds at all costs.

snuffy1680's picture
Joined: 07/21/07
Posts: 97

I suffered from ppd with DS1. It was pretty severe, I was on Zoloft for awhile, and at a pretty high dose of it. This time around I don't know if I have ppd, my hormones are still changing from birth, or if it is just my regular anxiety heightened. Most of the time I feel ok, but every time I wake up in the middle of the night to josh crying (not at his normal eating times, but waking up at random other times), I just break down crying because I am so tired and just want to sleep.

With DS1, I knew I had ppd pretty immediately after birth, but I only started having these feelings since josh came home 2 weeks ago, so it started a bit later this time. I'm waiting it out because its not bad right now, but will definitely go in for meds if needed.

Joined: 06/25/07
Posts: 342

So far not so good. I'm going to keep giving it time to see if it makes a difference but this birth control makes me nauseous, hot and cold flashes, and even more depressed and angry.