Rant: What would you do? (long)

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Astolate's picture
Joined: 07/16/06
Posts: 433
Rant: What would you do? (long)

So lately there has been a lot of drama in my family. (sorry this is kinda long so scroll down to the second paragraph for the short version)

My dad is an ex-drug addict and alcoholic. Growing up he frequently disappeared and pawned our property to support his habit, my mom has always been an enabler. Lately he's been drinking again and my mom doesn't approve (which she obviously shouldn't because of his past) so instead of staying home to drink he disappears for days at a time again, I'm worried he might be doing drugs again too. Every time he does this my mom completely takes it out on me, it's like because she's miserable I have to be miserable too. She comes over and complains about everything, not my dad but literally everything else. Mainly she's started complaining about how we're raising DS, she thinks that he gets yelled at too much. When I was younger I was terrified of her because she would yell at us for hours and hours about the smallest stupid stuff. When DS gets yelled at it's like he's in the backyard about to do something that could hurt himself or put himself in danger and gets yelled at not to do it out the window and that's the end of it - If he does it anyway he goes to his room/time out. If she's here when he does it she tried to undermine me and comfort him/come to his defense. She's also started complaining because DH doesn't help me out around the house and it's always a mess. My DH may not be perfect but he works hard and he would never abandon me or DS for days on end without food or money, basically he isn't a drug addict or alcoholic like my dad was (or is?). Today my dad wasn't around and he was supposed to come over and pick up an above ground pool to take to their house so she comes over and immediately starts complaining that my DH didn't do it. It's really not a one person job and apparently my excuse of "being pregnant" "gets old". I do a lot for being pregnant but anytime I try to do anything around her she tells me not to do anything..... After I commented about my dad not being around and she should take it up with him since he promised to help take it over she flipped on me. I asked her to leave and then went to my room hoping she would. I made DH do what she wanted and planned to call her to have her come pick it up but not even an hour later she called me telling me she wanted some left over chicken from our BBQ on sat. I told her to come pick it up because DH had gone to the store for me and she starts flinging profanity at me, it was obvious that she was just looking for a fight and we got into it and then I hung up on her.

So my mom's pessimistic negative attitude has really been putting a lot of stress on me. I'm really sad, I love my mom but I just can't stand the negativity anymore and it breaks my heart to see my 5 year old having promises broken by my dad like I did when I was his age. I told her I didn't want her in my life or my kids life anymore, the stress she's putting me under isn't healthy for me. I don't know if I did the right thing but I've tried talking to her and him about it and neither one of them seemed to care enough to do something about it. Our lease is up at the end of this month and I'm seriously contemplating just moving without telling her to a different town and being completely done with it. I'm not sure what the grandparent rights are in California, but if she contested for them I would give her visitation with my DS but I really don't want her or my dad in the new baby's life now.

Anyone been in this type of situation or have any words of wisdom for me?

mandynz's picture
Joined: 01/29/12
Posts: 755

Wow, that certainly is a lot of stress /hugs!

It sounds like you did exactly as I would do, I truly believe that all people in my life need to deserve to be in my life. This doesn't exclude family, I have absolutely nothing to do with my MIL because she treats me and DD like absolute dirt. I will always talk to people about what they are doing and how it makes me feel, because I feel they deserve opportunities to change before I exclude them from my life. But ultimately I feel that if people are hurting me over and over and I am not doing anything to stop them, then I am at fault too.

I know it's hard because it's your mom! but I think you need to be really clear about the fact that when she is ready to treat you with respect and relinquish the negativity you would love to have her in your family's life. You've probably done this already but it helps the person to realize you are actually serious and you are not just saying 'i don't want you in my life' because you're angry.

I hope she realizes what she has done and you can work it out very soon! Family issues are never fun Sad

belindab's picture
Joined: 06/15/02
Posts: 1033

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! I totally agree with Mandy!

Kier's picture
Joined: 03/12/12
Posts: 1973

I think you are so in the right to tell them both that unless they change their ways that they are not welcome in your home, or your life. It is especially hard when its your parents, but honestly, it doesnt sound like they are acting like parents... or that maybe your dad really ever has??? It is so hard to deal with people with people with addictions. My aunt is an ex-drug addict/perpetual alcoholic. My mom talks about watching her self distruct over and over starting in her early teens. My mom finally had to cut her out for a while, and went to Alon (spelling? its a support group for people with family members, or people close to them, that suffer from addictions), and learned how to deal with her sister in a healthier way for them both. My aunt is now in our lives, but seeing as they live in another state, its limited. Family functions usually end up disolving into her drinking till shes sloppy... used to be till she starts berating her kids, or generally fighting with who ever, but her new husband is awesome. He recognizes when shes reached her sloppy point, and does what he can to get her to go to bed. Any way, she is hard to deal with on a regular basis. So, if moving, making a clean break, is what you need to do, then I say do it. Sometimes distance makes things a bit more manageable. You are less likely to get sucked into their drama (if/when you decide to allow them back into your lives), and you are able to have a life away from them and breathing room Smile

Hang in there. It is really stressful, and your precious little ones need their mommy to be happy and healthy.

claireCJ's picture
Joined: 04/04/12
Posts: 742

I am so sorry you are facing that kind of stress. I have dealt with addiction in my family as well. Not with a parent though so I can't really imagine it from that standpoint. I think all your feelings are valid though. I understand wanting to seperate yourself from the craziness and I believe I would do the same thing. There is no reason you should have to continue being in relationship with people that hurt you like that after all these years. If they ever got better, then that would be one thing, but right now it makes sense that you would need to protect your kids from all that. I would probably leave and then tell them or else you might get a lot of push back. If you decided to stay, then I think that is okay too, but it would probably be harder to set boundaries with them that way. I don't think I have helped much, but I did want to respond that and tell you that we are here for you in whatever you decide. (((HUGS)))

AkMomma07's picture
Joined: 07/04/07
Posts: 1159

I think these ladies have offered some great advice. I just wanted to offer some support and (((hugs))).

Astolate's picture
Joined: 07/16/06
Posts: 433

Thanks for all the advice and support ladies I really appreciate it!!!

I did get the chance to talk to my mom a bit more and I've decided to take a passive aggressive approach to it. I really don't want to fight with her and cutting her off entirely probably isn't completely fair to Logan since he's been raised with both my parents in his life on an almost daily basis. However distancing myself from her and my dad is completely possible and that's my plan. She came over yesterday to pick up some of her stuff that was at our house and wouldn't leave for almost 2 hours, it was obvious that she was trying to pick a fight with me the entire time she was here but I just took the high road and didn't give in. By the time she left we both pretty much agreed that we both need space and I think she realized that I was serious about being upset by her attitude and actions and I don't think she really wants to lose me or the kids in her life. She's been trying to suck up to me since last night, but I don't think our relationship will ever be the same.

Honey3.14's picture
Joined: 04/07/12
Posts: 2094

Give it time... Just remember both your emotions are running high right now... Slow your relationship down with her. Nobody is forcing her to stay with your dad but its been an emotional life for her too and she may not know how to live without him. Just give it time and don't cut it off completely until you're sure that this is what you want for both you and your children.