Need help on how to tell a friend

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1stbabyboy's picture
Joined: 04/11/08
Posts: 183
Need help on how to tell a friend

So, one of my best friends from college has been trying to have a baby for about 4 years now. She and I both started trying (me for my 2nd and her for her 1st) around the same time. I feel like we bonded b/c we both didn't get pregnant right away and had some struggles, but, eventually I did get pregnant with Camden and she has now done IUIs and will be doing her 2nd round of IVF at the end of April. With her 1st round, whe had a chemical pregnancy. I just don't know how to tell her I am pregnant with my 3rd. I feel like everyone around her is getting pregnant and I know that is tough. We live in different states, but talk at least a couple times a month on the phone and via facebook. She is someone in the past that I've always told right away that I'm pregnant. Another one of our good friends suggested that I wait until she goes through her next round of IVF so maybe she would be pregnant when I told her, which would be best case scenario. I thought about it, but I really feel that worst case scenario would be that she did IVF and it didn't work and then I told her. I'm thinking about maybe sending her an email so she can process it, but am not sure if that would be too impersonal. Any advice or ideas??

CaityA83's picture
Joined: 05/08/09
Posts: 855

*Lurker from December*

I have been through this before as the person going through the infertility treatments. I had been going through infertility and treatments for quite a while when my BFF started TTC with her husband. She got pregnant on the second month and we had to keep trying. She lives out of state so to tell me she was pregnant she called me and told me personally. I would definitely recommend that. That way, however your friend is feeling, she can process it without you having to see her face. I'm glad we weren't at lunch or something where I would have had to sit through the rest of the meal. I was happy for her but its still difficult hearing about people getting pregnant when I wasn't able to. I really appreciated her acknowledging my feelings and that it might be difficult for me. Instead of just pretending I wasn't struggling.

I hope this helps. GL and KUP!

Audgee's picture
Joined: 08/24/05
Posts: 305

While I agree with Caity about not having to be face to face, as someone who has also been in your friend's shoes - I would say go with the email - and like Caity said, acknowledge her feelings.

Now, I'm not much of a talk on the phone person, but I know for me, depending on the day, that kind of news would bring tears no matter how happy I was for the person - and I can respond to an email through tears, but trying to hide them on the phone is trickier.

Not sure if your #3 was a long planned baby or a quick surprise - but I would suggest leaving out any mention of any facts about that, and just let her know you are pregnant.
It definately cuts deeper to hear "we weren't even trying" or "can't believe it happened on the first try" when you have a long history of TTC.

Congrats to you and HH9M

AJsmommy's picture
Joined: 05/08/07
Posts: 289

I agree that email would have been better for me when I was struggling. I hated people knowing how much I struggled to be happy for them. With email, it's much easier.

I think you're being a really good friend to think about the best way to do it. I know I would have appreciated that.

smsturner's picture
Joined: 05/11/09
Posts: 1303

*Lurker*

Hi there. Congrats on your news.

I am at about four years of trying also. I would write the heartfelt email. If I got that call, I would be upset and cry and if I did it while you were on the phone I would feel horrible about not being able to hide it. Make sure to acknowledge her hardships, and let her know that you love her no matter what she feels. I definitely agree that you should leave out any details about it being easy or a surprise.

It's really lovely you are so careful with her feelings. You are a great friend. My best friend had an accidental pregnancy around the time I had been trying for 3 years. She sent me a two word text message, followed by a text saying it was a surprise and she didn't know if she'd keep it. (she did, and he's a few months old now) She hasn't said anything ever to acknowledge how I could be feeling. I didn't say anything about it either because I wanted to be supportive and didn't want to be a jerk and not be happy for her. It really upset me the way she handled it. We aren't the same since.

1stbabyboy's picture
Joined: 04/11/08
Posts: 183

Thank you all so, so much for your advice! My friend is on vacation right now, so I think I will send her an email when she gets back. I will definitely not say anything about it being a surprise and I've talked to dh about definitely not saything like that either. I remember when we were trying for Cam and that was something that drove me kind of crazy when people would say it! Thank you!

pico83's picture
Joined: 09/06/06
Posts: 3014

:lurk:
I ran into this with my older sister. She's been trying for a year and a half for her first baby. She had one pregnancy this summer which ended as an ectopic. Even though she knew we were trying it was really hard to call her and tell her we were expecting #4. I told her the same day I told my parents and my little sister, but unfortunately it happened to be the day she got AF.
I'd say, if you know when she's doing IVF maybe try to time it so you tell her during her 2ww when she's feeling hopeful.

ourfirstblessing's picture
Joined: 01/07/07
Posts: 1094

Tough situation. My bff has been trying for about 3yrs. We conceived and had our third and now have conceived our 4th during that time. She has always told me she is ok and wants to celebrate with me so I called her right after I called family. She would have been hurt by and email or text or fb I think. I cried after we got off the phone b/c we have always talked about raising kids that were close in age and now we are not sure that will happen. Anyway I hope your friend is able to process everything and be happy for you and her next round of IVF is it for her.

Maddz's picture
Joined: 08/17/07
Posts: 1759

:lurk: (from Dec13)

I see that PP have given you great advice. I liked the idea about waiting for the 2WW. I think that would be good timing. Email is definitely the way I would go. When my sister found out she was pregnant right after I lost my baby she waiting a while and when she told me she said she had bitter-sweet news. I asked what and she told me that she was pregnant. She didn't give me any details until I asked. I bawled of course and she was super sensitive (this is a phone convo). I also agree that you shouldn't say anything about trying or not trying or whatever. Keep it simple, caring, sensitive, and understanding. Good Luck! I hope it goes well.

grovey2's picture
Joined: 04/08/08
Posts: 938

**lurker from Dec 2013** Being that person who has done IVF, have it failed and gone through FETs to concieve.... i've been there, when everyone around me expecting..... Everyone processes their fertility struggles differently....sure there were days i cried, but for the most part i was just sooo happy that people could concieve without having treatments... It's very thoughtful of you to even consider your friends feelings on this whole thing...... No matter when you do it, there's never going to be the perfect time.... but i'd do it while she's in a cycle or right around TWW..... my sister told me she was expecting 2 days before our 1st beta with our failed cycle... she wasn't sure when she should tell me, and honestly, i'm glad she told me before my beta. I ended up pregs the next cycle.... i know people try really hard to be sensitive, which is thoughtful, but we all just want to be normal too.... i always have told my family and friends do not treat me any differently......yes, i don't want to hear how you weren't "trying" and surprise you got pregs, or how your pregnancy is soo horrible, etc.....but, i want to relish in the joy of a new baby too and celebrate a mircle, even if it's not mine.
Did you end up writing an email?

1stbabyboy's picture
Joined: 04/11/08
Posts: 183

I ended up sending her an email a little over a week ago and she sent back a really nice email saying "congrats." I'm glad I chose to do it that way b/c it seemed like it went over really well. We chatted yesterday for the first time in a while and I definitely got the vibe that she didn't want to talk about the pregnancy at all, and that is totally fine... I get it (as much as I can). Thanks so much to everyone for your advice! It was definitely helpful to hear all of your opinions, especially those of you who have been somewhat in her situation! I'm so hoping and praying that I hear from her soon that she is pregnant!

1stbabyboy's picture
Joined: 04/11/08
Posts: 183

AHHHHH, my friend just called in tears b/c her younger brother who is recently married (and knows of her infertility) just called her to let her know they're expecting! She said that he and his wife were on speaker phone and were saying "you're going to be so excited b/c you're going to be an aunt!" She said it was so tough b/c she just faked her excitment through tears and then felt bad for doing that. I just feel so bad for her b/c this happened last year to her too when her husband's brother and wife got pregnant immediately after they got married. I'm glad she felt like she could call me and vent and I'm so glad that I decided to tell her like I did. If you pray at all, I would love to have prayers for her as she goes through her next cycle of IVF in a couple of weeks!

Maddz's picture
Joined: 08/17/07
Posts: 1759

Aw. I'm so sad for her. Sad I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers Smile