Am I overreacting?? (vent)

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jac81's picture
Joined: 11/22/10
Posts: 1131
Am I overreacting?? (vent)

DH and I were on our way to a funeral yesterday and my MIL calls us (my car has the bluetooth feature so we can both talk through the car speakers) and ask what our plans are for this weekend so we tell her we are doing nothing on Friday, DS has T-Ball practice on Saturday and then we're going to a crawfish boil, and Sunday we are going to the March for Babies walk. She proceeds to tell us that she will pick DS up from pre-school on Friday, take him to practice on Saturday, and bring him back Sunday morning. I told her that I have to take him to practice on Saturday because the mom's are making poms poms for the next game and I helping and I told her that he is going to the crawfish boil with us and that I need him Sunday morning for the March for Babies walk. She says this real long drawn out okaaaaayyyyy. Like that is the mose unreasonable thing she has ever heard of. I could tell that she was starting to get upset so DH tells her that he will spend the night with her Friday and she will bring him back Saturday morning before practice.

After I got off the phone, DH and I got in an argument about this. He thinks I have it out for his mom, but really the only thing that upset me about his mom is that she told us what she was doing with OUR son, she didn't ask. She is very pushy and controlling and I have to make sure she knows her boundaries. Otherwise, she will make it seem like DS is her child and we're just occasional babysitters. I cannot stand this! I've even had to explain to her before that being a grandmother is not an entitlement, it is a privilege and she does not get to make decisions for our son. The other thing is that I feel like I do not have to explain myself about the fact that I want to be with my son. I feel like time is too short and since I'm a working mother, I don't get to spend enough time with him. If anything was to ever happen to my child, I don't want to regret the time that I could have spent with him. I mean I know there will be occasions where he will have to stay overnight with grandma, but when he doesn't have to, I would like that time to be spent with us.

I just know things will hit the fan when the new baby comes. She is going to want the baby to come over all the time. I am already kind of freaking out about the dangers of SIDS since my niece passed away and I'm going to be very uncomfortable about the baby staying the night somewhere else. It will probably be an issue that I know I will need to work out myself, but the first year, is going to be very stressful on me.

Am I overreacting? Please be honest because as of right now I'm lost at what I should do. I can't talk to my MIL because it goes in one ear and out the other. Last time we had this discussion, she even went as far as to criticize the relationship I have with my mom just to get the attention off of her. I'm planning on talking with DH about it again tonight, but since he's a mama's boy this always turns into a fight. Sad

Joined: 04/05/06
Posts: 870

I don't think you're overreacting. I wouldn't let anyone tell me what they were going to do with my daughter. That's not okay. As far as spending time away from you, our daughter has probably only spent the night away from us 2 times in her 4 years. It helps that most of the time we have lived 15+ hours away from family, but even when we lived in GA she only stayed over at my parents once. We just don't do the babysitting thing much either. Until two weeks ago, I worked 40+ hrs/wk, so weekend were precious time.
I know I would not be comfortable with a newborn staying anywhere else without me either. You may have had a stronger reaction with her because of hormones, but I think it's totally normal.

AimeeLynne's picture
Joined: 09/29/08
Posts: 572

I REALLY do not think you are overreacting at all! Its like you said, she told YOU what she was doing with YOUR son instead of asking.... she NEEDS to ask YOU!! Ugh I wouldn't be able to deal with that! I'm sorry you have to! :bigarmhug: My MIL just makes "suggestions" lol, she isnt too pushy with them though because she know I will always do my own thing.
When it comes to this LO don't let her go until you are comfortable! Go over there for "day trips" so she can see your LO, but you won't heave to leave her! GL tonight, I hope its not a big fight!

jac81's picture
Joined: 11/22/10
Posts: 1131

With even just these 2 comments, I'm already feeling better! Smile Thanks for letting me vent. My sister said that she completely understands how I feel considering she is the one who lost her 6 month old. She knows better than anyone I know how precious time is with your children. I just wish my MIL wasn't so selfish to understand that!

OregonJewels's picture
Joined: 12/29/10
Posts: 344

I think you should stick to your guns. you have to set those boundaries now. When my Mom visited a couple weeks ago the whole first week was about how I am the parent and all I need from her is to love and play with MY kids. She doesnt need to buy them things or clothes or discipline them or figure out how to manage them or anything else! She kept stepping in and undermining me with my boys, it is maddening!
I would totally be upset if your MIL was telling you what you were going to do and not do, no matter what it was regarding, I am funny like that, guess it is an issue with authority. GL with DH, it sounds like talking to him may be the only thing that is helpful. I hope you can keep your cool to make him see your point. Just remember to chose the right timing for the conversation and it may go over better.
Oh and as far as letting the baby stay away from you, that is totally up to YOU when you decide to do that! I didnt do that with my boys until after they turned 2. And even then it has only been in an extreme situation(like DS1 stayed with MIL while I had DS2 in the hospital).

4sweet's picture
Joined: 11/19/08
Posts: 404

I think it is rude to tell you that your son is doing anything with her without asking. I am glad you stood your ground.

Joined: 07/15/07
Posts: 630

Oy that would hack me off something fierce. Sometimes I thank god we live 4,000 miles and a required plane trip away from DH's family. His father is SO overbearing :rolleyes: NOT looking forward to only being 8 hours from them when we get to Tennessee.

Dylemma's picture
Joined: 09/04/09
Posts: 449

I love that the Atlantic ocean and the whole of the USA is between me and mine as she is in OR. One requirement of moving back to the US is that is far from wherever she is. Sorry you have to deal with your's. No one should tell you what they are doing with your child.

jac81's picture
Joined: 11/22/10
Posts: 1131

I'm still debating on whether to talk to DH tonight or just wait until I calm down. I'm afraid I will just end up blowing up about the situation. She did something similar to this a couple of weeks ago at the t-ball game. The coach requested that we limit our child to one water or one gatorade during the game so that way they won't have to take potty breaks. I gave DS some water because DH said that he bounces off the walls in the dugout after drinking gatorade. My MIL ask if he has gatorade and I tell her no he has water and told her what the rules are. When we are in the middle of the game she gets up and purposedly walks behind the bleachers so I can't see her. I see her by the dugout trying to give DS the gatorade. I was yelling her name to tell her no and she just flat out ignored me. DH took the bottle from her and later on I asked what she had told him and she told him that it's for our son. Thankfully, he told her that he already has water, but he said he would drink it instead. I told DH that I had told her not to give it to him and she went behind my back and did it anyways. UGH! I am beyond frustrated at this point. I only see it getting worse and DH is going to have to man up and have a talk with his mom because I'm going to end up blowing up in her face one day. I'm so thankful my mother and I are close and she respects my boundaries. She lives across the street from us and still respects our boundaries. What is wrong with this woman??

Joined: 07/15/07
Posts: 630

With my FIL, I've always explained my concerns/issues/whatever with DH and said "There are two options here. You can talk to him about the situation or I can talk to him. It's going to sound a hell of a lot better coming from you." That usually does the trick.

blondiess4u's picture
Joined: 11/08/07
Posts: 1450

I think the easiest way for your MIL to understand that is not ok. Is for your DH to stand up to her and make her respect your family. Maybe talk to him when your not so upset and make sure you're on the same page. I have learned that you can't let ANYONE get in between you and your family! Good luck and hope you find a way to deal with this.

kittenchan's picture
Joined: 08/12/07
Posts: 1118

I agree that you didn't over react. My MIL is overbearing, too. I would be angry if she TOLD me what she was doing with MY DD. In fact, she calls my DD "Her Baby" or "Her Callie" etc. Argh! I'd wait until you were calmer, then bring it up with your husband. It'll sound best coming from him, most likely.

K_Lo's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 1201

OMG you are not over reacting! I would be livid! She should feel lucky she gets your son over night at all. My DS only ever stayed at my mom's house once, when I had DD, and has never even been with my MIL at all without me right there.
I wouldn't tolerate that type of thing and she wouldn't see my kids at all until she understood, if she never understood... then so be it. But as you can see I'm sort of a b*tch when it comes to that! You seem much more forgiving that me! I hope DH understands where you're coming from and gives his mom a serious talking to!

wobbs's picture
Joined: 05/27/10
Posts: 1502

Completely not overreacting. You need to talk to DH so that he understands and can back you up with his mom. :bighug:

jac81's picture
Joined: 11/22/10
Posts: 1131

Well I talked to him and he agreed that his mother is controlling and overbearing. He is going to have a talk with her, but he is going to wait until it comes up again. He doesn't want to just call her up one day and bring it up out the blue. I honestly don't care how he does it just as long as he does it. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my sholders! Whew!

Joined: 07/15/07
Posts: 630

"jac81" wrote:

Well I talked to him and he agreed that his mother is controlling and overbearing. He is going to have a talk with her, but he is going to wait until it comes up again. He doesn't want to just call her up one day and bring it up out the blue. I honestly don't care how he does it just as long as he does it. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my sholders! Whew!

Seems fair enough. No reason to make waves if everything is relatively calm now. But if she's anything like my FIL, you won't have to wait long for the opportunity to arise for him to give her a talking to.