Need some advice

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Kate83's picture
Joined: 01/04/11
Posts: 587
Need some advice

So last spring I mentioned I had this friend who is a doula. Well I had asked her all about her position and she asked me all about my birth plans. Within a few days of our initial talk, I explained that it would just be dh and I in the delivery room, neither of us being comfortable with another person, and that fact that MIL wanted to come in and I apparently promised her, but there is no way in hell I want anyone else there, its something dh and I view as very intimate and special and dont want extra bodies. And knowing me, any extra touching, noise, movement would just put me over the edge.

ok, so fast forward 5 months. We didn't speak all summer, our children are in the same class so we see each other every day after school. Last week she asked me when a good time would be to write the birth plan, at first I was thinking she was just being sweet and wanted to help, then she goes on to say how she will meet us at the hospital and her SIL could be our help for the boys...

um...what did I miss?

so I kinda brushed it off. Then yesterday she asked again. so I say to her, dh and i talked and we are just not comfortable with anyone else in the room and it wouldn't be worth the family drama. she asked if she could sit down with dh and I and tell him what her role would be. No, simply no. I don't want this. I love the idea of a doula, but I have to respect my husbands wishes, and I know in the end I will be happiest if its just him and I.

so....what can i do? I don't want to be rude or mean, but she just isn't getting it! I have to say something today, but I don't want her like bombarding dh at pick up one day about it.

wobbs's picture
Joined: 05/27/10
Posts: 1502

I would just tell her flat out that while you do appreciate the offer of help, it is only going to be your dh in the room with you. After all, you don't have to let anyone other than who's watching your boys know that you're at the hospital.

tanismom's picture
Joined: 11/07/06
Posts: 717

uuum, from a totally outside perspective, I would say that a doula who isn't picking up on the clear messages that you are relating might be equally imperceptive during labor. so whether you were going to hire a doula at all or not, this little episode would make me less inclined to choose her anyway.

I am a doula, and I unless you're not being as clear with her as you are in your post, I think it would be very clear to me that you have chosen not to have a doula! I might offer to help you before the birth in terms of preparing and maybe walking you guys through some coping techniques, answering questions, etc... but clearly, you and your DH have made a very clear decision on how you want to birth, and that doesn't include a doula!

Maybe you could say that, actually. "I would love it if you wanted to help us prepare for the birth, like helping us go through the birth plan and maybe answering any questions, but DH and I have decided not to have a doula - or anyone else for that matter, with us during the actual birth." would that work?

Kate83's picture
Joined: 01/04/11
Posts: 587

Thanks girls, she was even saying how dh might try to push pain meds on me... Obviously no one is doing anything to me without my consent, so it doesn't much matter who says what, lol.

Hopefully she'll be understanding about it. Wink

Joined: 04/05/06
Posts: 870

Hope it went well today. I don't have very good advice b/c I'm horrible at dealing with situations like that. I know what I should do, but what comes out of my mouth isn't quite as clear. I always worry about hurting feelings.

K_Lo's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 1201

ITA with Ayelet! If she isn't intuitive enough to get that you don't want her there she probably isn't a doula you'd want in there anyway! I hope she gets it and you don't have to beat her over the head :p.

Joined: 02/12/07
Posts: 365

I agree with Ayelet as well.

Pheww...what a hard place to be put into this close to the big day. Sorry you're dealing with this.

Starryblue702's picture
Joined: 04/06/11
Posts: 5454


I agree with everyone else, it's weird and you should just tell her flat out that NO ONE besides DH and yourself will be in the the room... period. How did it go?

Kate83's picture
Joined: 01/04/11
Posts: 587

She hasn't asked again so I'm going to see if we can just avoid the conversation.

tiffercole1014's picture
Joined: 03/07/11
Posts: 6

She's obviously not interested in your feelings, so don't be worried about hers. If she doesn't know you are in labor or at the hospital, she won't go. And after the fact, just be honest and tell her that you felt comfortable with the support team you had and didn't feel the need to involve anyone else.

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