Question for those of you who already have one or more kids

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Joined: 07/15/07
Posts: 630
Question for those of you who already have one or more kids

So there's an issue with the in-laws and I'm wondering what you would do in this situation.

I won't go into what 'X' is because I don't want y'all to get hung up on whether you agree with that particular part of it.

Last month, DD (3 yrs) spent the night with her grandparents (DH's dad and step mom) about an hour and a half from here at DH's grandma's house. This was the first time she had ever spent the night away from home. When they picked her up, DH and I said "Have fun! Please don't let her do X." They tried to argue that doing X would be okay and DH and I both said "No, that is something we do not want her doing unless we are there." They did X with her anyway.

Now they are wanting her to go and spend the night with them again at the grandma's house. We TWICE, and under no uncertain circumstances, told them NOT to let her do X and they did it anyway (went out of their way to make it possible, in fact).

Would you let her spend the night with them again?

wobbs's picture
Joined: 05/27/10
Posts: 1502

I would, but only after making it very clear that it is one last chance, that you are the parents, and your wishes must be followed. Of course, that goes out the window if X is something completly unsafe.

Joined: 11/07/06
Posts: 707

I agree with Dana for the most part. And I know you don't want to tell us what X was but I think it would depend on what it was ya know? Like if I asked them not to take her for ice cream I'd be more than likely to blow it of than if they had taken her say swimming without me (of course I am extremely picky about my kids going near water or to huge crowded public places without ME).

parkerlamar's picture
Joined: 08/21/11
Posts: 146

I agree with Wobbs!
I'd give them one final chance and make sure that our wishes were VERY clear and that they were aware of the consequences.
I can sympathize in that my DH and I have had this discussion with MIL and my mother. It's awkward but they know that it's how we wish to raise our son and have stopped doing "X".

Good Luck!

Joined: 07/15/07
Posts: 630

"mommy2four" wrote:

I agree with Dana for the most part. And I know you don't want to tell us what X was but I think it would depend on what it was ya know? Like if I asked them not to take her for ice cream I'd be more than likely to blow it of than if they had taken her say swimming without me (of course I am extremely picky about my kids going near water or to huge crowded public places without ME).

ding ding ding... nail on the head.... We asked them twice not to take her to the pool at her aunt's house without us and they did it anyway.

She can't swim yet, but the child grew up in Hawaii and to say that she has NO fear of the water is an understatement. I had to hold her back from going into the ocean when the big 30, 40, 50 foot waves were coming in. She will jump off of the diving board into the deep end of the water whether someone is there to catch her or not.

So I'm generally skittish about her being around water and *I* am super careful with her when *I* am there with her. I am not comfortable with her being at the pool without me.

The fact that they blatantly ignored our wishes is too much for me. I'm pretty laid back about EVERYthing else (couldn't care LESS if they gave her ice cream... she's spending the night with them, guess who DOESN'T have to deal with that sugar high lol) but the pool I am not okay with.

Kate83's picture
Joined: 01/04/11
Posts: 587

No!!! She is only 3, she has several years ahead of her for sleepovers, and clearly they are not putting her best interests and your wishes first.
This is coming from someone and the exact same posuition

Kate83's picture
Joined: 01/04/11
Posts: 587

Swimming!?!?! I would be LIVID!!!! My kids are not allowed near pools or ocean with anyone but dh or I, that is a major no no!!!!

Joined: 02/20/11
Posts: 865

I'd tell them that yes they can but you had to think about it long and hard because of what happened last time. Make it clear that this is the last time you'll trust them. I'd also tell them swimming lessons would make a nice gift next time her birthday or Christmas rolls around.

kittenchan's picture
Joined: 08/12/07
Posts: 1118

I'd want to be kinder, but I would probably say no. Maybe when she's older.

Joined: 01/08/09
Posts: 1023

I wouldn't. But, I have plenty of inlaw problems of my own LOL. IMO, if you blatently ignore my wishes, then you can't be trusted. I'm pretty harsh so even if it was just ice cream... I probably wouldn't let my child go again until they were older. Swimming is a serious violation though. Just my 2 cents.

Joined: 11/07/06
Posts: 707

Yeah I'd be super upset......heck I have 12 yr olds that I am NOT ok with them being near water without me so...

wobbs's picture
Joined: 05/27/10
Posts: 1502

I'd be livid on the swimming. Dd has zero fear of the water, and i wouldn't trust anyone but myself or DH to supervise her around the water.

Joined: 02/12/07
Posts: 365

Hmmmm..my first opinion is to say that since you've asked them to specifically avoid this & were blatantly ignored then no, no more chances. If you feel uncomfortable with their abilities to keep her safe near the pool then that is IT!!!!

Could you suggest they take her to a swimming pool with lifeguards? Then everyone wins. You guys get a night off, they can spend the night with the LO & do something fun & safe...Just a thought.

K_Lo's picture
Joined: 11/16/07
Posts: 1201

I feel exactly like you do. I really don't mind if their grandparents give them treat (but like you I don't try to limit them on that) or whatever but this is completely different. I would never leave her with them again and I would make it abundantly clear why. But I admit I am harsh when it comes to my kids. I will also admit that other than when I was in the hospital having DD my kids have never spent the night away from me.

Water is such a danger to children I can't believe they would negate your wishes like that! If they choose not to listen to you with something like that how can you trust them to listen to you with anything? I'm sure you handled it better than I would have... I would have gone crazy on them!

parkerlamar's picture
Joined: 08/21/11
Posts: 146

Wow! THAT would not be ok with me. I've never let my son go swimming without either my DH or myself. I can understand where you're coming from now and the fact that they "went out of their way" to make it happen, well, perhaps I'm a little harsh, but I wouldn't let them take DS anymore.
Frankly, something that major that could potentially be unsafe and in which they violated our trust about would be something that would revoke any supervising benefits they might have. Sorry, maybe it's just hormones, but I'd be so angry (and I'm angry just envisioning it, I need to go take a chill pill now, lol)

Joined: 07/15/07
Posts: 630

"Mrs. Mac" wrote:

Could you suggest they take her to a swimming pool with lifeguards? Then everyone wins. You guys get a night off, they can spend the night with the LO & do something fun & safe...Just a thought.

The only place around here like that is an actual water park (like, with water slides and a wave pool and such), so no that's not an option.

They want her to spend the night with them Saturday and we told them she couldn't. We did offer for them to drive to Alabama and take her to the zoo or the park or whatever they wanted that day, but she couldn't spend the night. That's not good enough for FIL so I think now he's saying that he just won't come visit her. :rolleyes: This is FIL's MO tho. He has never had any consequences for his actions and he doesn't take being told 'no' very well. When he doesn't get his way he has a temper tantrum and acts like a 2 year old.

We would take her to Georgia and take her swimming, but we already have a busy weekend this weekend that can't be postponed. We are moving into our house in Tennessee NEXT weekend (Labor Day) so this weekend is filled with getting the furniture we have down here ready to go up there. DH works Monday - Thursday, I leave Thursday heading to TN and he leaves Friday BRIGHT and early and his work schedule this week is 5 am to 5 pm, so getting much done during the week isn't likely.

What it boils down to is... they picked a weekend to come down to GA that is inconvenient to us. We cannot (and will not) drop every thing we have going on to spend every moment he's here with them. They want S to spend the night, but after the incident last time that won't be happening. We offered a perfectly acceptable alternative for him to come and spend time with his granddaughter, but since it doesn't involve her spending the night then it isn't good enough in his eyes. :shrug:

scotty620's picture
Joined: 08/24/06
Posts: 288

"wobbs" wrote:

I would, but only after making it very clear that it is one last chance, that you are the parents, and your wishes must be followed. Of course, that goes out the window if X is something completly unsafe.

Agree completely. Unfortunately we can't keep our kids from our in laws (even though we would love to). It's important for kids to have relationships with all grandparents. I know that all of my kids grandparents let my kids do things that I wouldn't let them do but that's the fun of grandparents. I always LOVED staying at my grandmas because we would eat our faces off and have huge ice cream sundaes before dinner. It's definitely tough without knowing what X is - if it's a safety issue then it's completely different. As long as it's more of a "treat" I'd be ok with it as long as they don't see them all the time. If they were watching her all the time then it's different too because then they have to take on a little of a parenting responsibility, but it doesn't sound like they're around all the time. Did that make ANY sense?

Oh just read the other posts .... water .... eeek! That's a tough one.

Joined: 03/07/05
Posts: 1595

Nope, I wouldn't...

AimeeLynne's picture
Joined: 09/29/08
Posts: 572

I'd be PI$$ed!! There are things that can be overlooked, but when it comes to safety there is no excuse. My in-laws have a pool and I HATE when DS goes in without me. MIL is a nurse and a fantastic swimmer, but it still scares the crap outta me when he's there and I'm not. I would maybe let her stay again sometime, but I would sit them down and tell them that you specifically said not to and that if it happens again, she will NOT be allowed to stay over. DD is YOUR daughter and should be raised the way you want...family members should be able to give advice, but when it comes to your wishes they should not go against you!!

Joined: 07/15/07
Posts: 630

So we have decided to stick to our guns this time and say 'no', just to show them that we mean business and when we say not to do something with our daughter we mean NOT to do it, no questions asked.

When they ask if she can spend the night again we will most likely let her, but we will be *very* clear on the fact that she is *NOT* to go swimming without us. Because, as much as the IL's get on my nerves, I do want S to have a good relationship with them. And, normally they are good grandparents. But they have to understand that she is our child and they can't just make their own rules because they think we're being overprotective about something, kwim?

OregonJewels's picture
Joined: 12/29/10
Posts: 344

"wobbs" wrote:

I would, but only after making it very clear that it is one last chance, that you are the parents, and your wishes must be followed. Of course, that goes out the window if X is something completly unsafe.

I think that sounds about right. We are worried about my Mom moving here in a couple of years because we are worried she will go against our wishes like this. I think it is super important to put your foot down early so they get it from the beginning, otherwise they will never listen in the future. Even if this is something small, they might let her do something big that you dont agree with next time. GL!

cannycane76's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 879

i know i don't have kids yet, but i have to say that i don't care if it was something as simple as, "don't let her wear pink on sundays," if they disrespected you enough to go specifically against your wishes, i wouldn't let her stay there again. that's entirely a respect issue. i know your daughter's safety is the concern, but if they are willing to ignore you on something so important, it think it speaks very poorly of them.

on the other hand, you end up alienating family and potential caregivers, so that is something you should weigh yourself.

Joined: 07/15/07
Posts: 630

"cannycane76" wrote:

on the other hand, you end up alienating family and potential caregivers, so that is something you should weigh yourself.

I'm not sure that I'd want caregivers who don't respect the parents wishes tho, ya know??

Joined: 01/08/09
Posts: 1023

"rbrooks14332" wrote:

I'm not sure that I'd want caregivers who don't respect the parents wishes tho, ya know??

I personally could not agree more. You HAVE to respect the parents' wishes... period! Why should someone related to you get a free pass. I don't think anyone would put up with disrespect if this were a paid caregiver. Sorry... I'm very passionate about the issue of respecting the parents' wishes.

blondiess4u's picture
Joined: 11/08/07
Posts: 1450

I wouldn't be happy if I told them NOT to do something and they did it anyways, expecially something like swimming. I think I would have a hard time letting them watch your DD again.

cannycane76's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 879

"rbrooks14332" wrote:

I'm not sure that I'd want caregivers who don't respect the parents wishes tho, ya know??

precisely what i was saying (i was merely pointing out the opposite argument in the section you highlighted). i don't care if they are family, it's just flat out disrespectful. she's your child; not theirs.

4sweet's picture
Joined: 11/19/08
Posts: 404

I agree. Your ILs are not children and they went against your specific request. There are consequences for your actions and they have proven that they can not be trusted. There is no reason for you to let DD spend the night with them. I can't believe that your FIL is acting that way when he is at fault. Did they apologize?

Joined: 07/15/07
Posts: 630

"cannycane76" wrote:

precisely what i was saying (i was merely pointing out the opposite argument in the section you highlighted). i don't care if they are family, it's just flat out disrespectful. she's your child; not theirs.

Gotcha Wink

"4sweet" wrote:

I agree. Your ILs are not children and they went against your specific request. There are consequences for your actions and they have proven that they can not be trusted. There is no reason for you to let DD spend the night with them. I can't believe that your FIL is acting that way when he is at fault. Did they apologize?

Hmm. Kind of? Maybe? lol We told them that she couldn't spend the night and why, they could get her Saturday and hang out around here. His response, via text message, was "Wow. I'm sorry, we didn't realize you didn't realize you didn't trust us (:roll eyes:). We will be in Georgia on Saturday if you want to see us." :roll eyes: We tried (later on the phone) to explain to them that it wasn't that we didn't trust THEM, but we just don't want her around the pool without us and his dad flew off the handle and accused us of not wanting them to see their granddaughter and said we were being bad parents. So I think he 'apologized', but only because he thought that it'd help him get his way and when he realized that we were going to stand firm, his 'apology' went right out the window.

I really hate people who fake apologize. I'd rather someone NOT apologize if they're not sorry than say sorry just because.

Joined: 04/05/06
Posts: 870

I know I'm late coming in on this, but I had a similar situation with my own parents while visiting them in Georgia. When I finally made it very clear how firm I believed in what I wanted for Abby then they quit breaking my "rule". I think your DD is still so young that sleepovers aren't really necessary if they make you uncomfortable. Abby has rarely stayed somewhere without me and she's 4 1/2.