Need to Vent!
Hey Ladies, I just needed somewhere to vent because i am going crazy. So DH works for the FAA and has been sent away for school in Oklahoma city for 10 weeks :( (we live in florida) I have 3 boys and am pregnant and all alone. He just left and already i feel like i'm not going to make it. I am feeling super sad and depressed. Anyone else ever have to deal with DH being gone? I don't know how military families do it!
:( That sucks. My DH is away a lot, but it's a bit different. He's a fireman and works 24 on, 24 off. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong when he's at work and he can't always get home (unless it's an emergency). It's been this way with us for 10 years, but it still sucks sometimes.
I was out lurking and saw this.... hope you don't mind my advice.
BIG HUGE HUGS to you and your family. My DH is military so I am familiar with your situation. Most recently, DH was gone for 4.5 months while I was working full-time, commuting an hour a day, full-time student in a bachelors program, ended up having major abdominal surgery due to cancer issues .... and did I mention that I have 3 boys who are 5, 7, and 9 and one is high needs?!
I promise you can do it!! Here are things that helped me. I accepted help from family and friends. I lowered the standards on what qualified as a clean house, I also lowered the standards on what qualified as an "acceptable" dinner. There were nights where we had breakfast for dinner, and the kids loved it. I hired a house cleaner to come in as needed when I just couldn't cope. I changed up our daily routine a bit and had the kids pitch in with chores, and we treated ourselves to movie night at home in PJS and had treats, and I did my best to remember the kids were always more important than my job or a clean house.
I won't say it was easy. There was many a night where I cried myself to sleep at 2 am knowing my day was starting over in a measly 4 hours. DH and I skyped with the kids often and he sent home postcards each week so the kids could "check" the mail.
I know it seems horrible, but it will make you a stronger person and you will be surprised by how much you can handle.
My situation is a little different, but kind of the same. DH is a pilot so he is gone a lot on trips. Right now he is gone for a week. At the end of the month he will be gone for another week. In between there I am sure flights will come up and he will be gone again. I truly feel like a single mom at times and I wonder how I am going to handle a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a newborn here in a few months. We unfortunately don't live close to any family otherwise I would be seeking their help. And all of our friends have little kids too so I don't know if I would ask for their help. I just take it one day at a time and as depressing as it is in the beginning I have a countdown until he comes home. And I agree with Kim, the house doesn't need to be spotless, the meals don't need to be 7 courses. Do what you can to keep your kiddos happy and you as stress free as possible. I wish you the best of luck!!
My dh also travels alot , I can relate 100% to your post. Somedays I swear I can't do it and other days things go smoothly. The hardest part is being pregnant , this pregnancy has not been an easy one I have been so sick. My oldest is good at getting ready for school and even makes her own lunches. She also loves to help with her little brother making him breakfast and such. But that is not fair to her that Mom feels so crappy in the morning. I also feel like my ds has been watching way to much tv lately. But the weather here has been crappy and with me not feeling good in the morning its what gets us by. I can't wait for warm weather so we can go outside and play and go swimming and the kids will sleep better !!!! I guess I feel a bit overwhemled lately !!!!
My dh doesn't leave town really for his job so I have no experience with that and it sounds like a lot on your shoulders! Dh does work a lot he teaches, coaches, tutors and does handy work for his mom. We have 6 kids and I will get desperate and teary eyed some nights trying to do it all on my own. I completely agree w/ giving yourself a break and trying to lower standards. I have a hard time w/ that and it's a struggle not to be hard on myself sometimes. I also agree w/ leaning on family or friends if you can. Even just some companionship would be helpful to you. Big hugs!
wow i must be having a really hormonal day because your posts just made me burst into tears. I also have older autistic son and he is getting more and more challenging the older he gets. it doesn't help that my whole house has had the flu this whole week and i have been house bound. holy crapola i'm not going to make it!
Can you call someone to come over to give you a break? Maybe just some fresh air would do wonders for your psyche. That is really tough that everyone is sick with the flu when it rains it pours. Do you have any help with your autistic ds? I dont know what degree of autism he has but I cant imagine trying to handle your situation all on my own. I know we have several programs (anywhere from life skills and socialization to art classes, etc) in our area to help children w/ autism and other disorders and it might do you both some good if he could have something to focus on. GL and may tomorrow be a good day!
Big hugs, Hayley. I've been alone with my kids for long stretches when DH was a reserve chaplain. He finally realized once we had a child with special needs and I ended up being hospitalized with pneumonia that it wasn't going to be feasible for him to be that far from home in case anything happened. We don't have any family nearby. Do you have any family or close friends who can help you out? I work with kids on the autism spectrum, so I know that can be a real challenge. I would add to the advice you've already gotten that it's okay to use TV and video games as babysitters when you really need a break. I watched TV all the time when I was a kid, and I turned out okay. When my DH was gone, the TV was really the only thing that helped me hang onto my sanity. I felt guilty at first for letting them watch so much TV, but eventually I realized that I would be a much better mother to my kids if I got those little breaks.
My husband is military and our baby boy is due anywhere from now and 4 weeks. He just got word last week that there's a real good chance he will be redeploying within the next month or two. So I'll have my 6, 2, and newborn all to myself lol. He's also been doing training off and on which will make him gone for a week or more at a time. Plus since he works long hours anyway I've gotten use to being with the kids myself.
DH deployed for a short time last year and what I did to keep sane was take it one day at a time. If you need a moment to lock yourself in the bathroom to get a few moments peace, do it! To keep the kids sane I made sure to be on a schedule with them. I fed them about the same time every day, we did eat out a lot though because at first I was too sad to cook, and I made sure they took a bath ever 2 or 3 days and go to bed by 7:30. We would read to calm them down too. Then at night, that was my time. I would read, watch TV, cry at TV shows and movies (lol!) and sometimes if I couldn't sleep, I did housework.
Try not to stress yourself out. If the house gets to be a mess, it's okay! Your kids and you are more important than keeping a clean house and as long as the kids are fed you'll be fine! There were nights where we ate out, had Hamburger helpers, ate out of cans lol. They enjoyed it. Oh and we had grilled cheese....A LOT!
If you keep busy DH will be home sooner than you think!