Friends

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TiggersMommy's picture
Joined: 02/14/10
Posts: 6043
Friends

Do you have friends? Does your SO have friends? I'm not talking college buddies that you talk to on Facebook. I'm talking people you could call up to hang out with, preferably without kids present. How did you meet your friends?

I ask because I think my DH needs some friends. I have friends. I have friends that I've met through school or through babies. I have at least half a dozen friends who I could call up to arrange a "ladies night out" (with varying degrees of advance notice). They may not be the BFFs that I had when I was younger but I think I'm beyond those years of my life and I'm quite satisfied with the adult relationships I have. My DH on the other hand has no friends. Like literally no friends. He couldn't have a guys night out even if he wanted to. Sure, he can rattle off the names of the DHs of my friends but they don't count IMO. I pester him about it occasionally but he never does anything about it. He doesn't seem to understand that friendship requires a certain level of maintenance. He's not the maintenance sort of guy. How do I get him to have friends?!

abacaxi's picture
Joined: 02/27/10
Posts: 363

Does your DH want to see the movie Prometheus? If so, I can suggest a friend and a guys night out. Because I am totally not wasting a babysitting night on that movie, no matter how badly Dh wants to see it.

My Dh had a ton of friends about seven years ago, before we moved to Texas. By the time we came back, they had pretty much all moved away (two were actually in Texas with us). Now he mostly only knows people through work or through mountain biking. He and another mountain biker became the kind of friends you can go out for a beer with, but that guy moved away last year. So no, he doesn't really have hang-out kind of friends now. More like activity friends - they get together to do a specific thing, but that's it.

Can you get your Dh to join a club or anything? I know sports are probably out because of his back, but I'm sure there's some social group out there for whatever hobby he happens to have.

Joined: 06/22/10
Posts: 5602

does your DH want friends or does he like being by himself? My DH doesn't really have friends, he has a couple of acquaintances, but he wouldn't call them friends. and he has his brother. I know sometimes he wishes he did have some, but people annoy him and he doesn't put up with crap so it's hard to find that perfect person.

I don't really have any friends either. I have 3 that i would consider friends, but one lives several hours away so i only see her when she is in town, the other is about an hour away and we try to see her every once in awhile. My bff lives in town, 15 minutes away but I barely see her. I went out with her and some of her friends Friday night and while i had a good time, she was on her BB the WHOLE TIME like every 5 seconds. I was a little put off by it...like, it was 11pm who the heck could you be texting so much? Blum 3

Two of my friends I have known since elementary school, the other I met in college. So while i guess I do have friends, i barely ever see them:rolleyes:

TiggersMommy's picture
Joined: 02/14/10
Posts: 6043

I think he wants friends. He had friends when we lived in Albuquerque. I think the problem is that he has forgotten how to make friends. He lived in Albuquerque from age 12 up until we moved here. A lot of his friends there were high school/college friends. I've moved around a lot. I've lived in 4 cities in the past 7 years. All that moving necessitates making new friendships. I'm also just naturally a more social being. Still, he likes having nerdy friends with which to make nerdy jokes and complain about the government.

Sara, I have a better idea. How about our DH's bond over babies while we go out. We can tell them they have the choice of hanging out or going to see "What to Expect When Your Expecting" with us. Then we can go out to a club where everyone is half our age, get wasted, and call them to pick us up. That sounds much better than sending them to see Prometheus, which looks like a conglomeration of all the bad parts of every space movie ever made. We'll never hear the end of how bad it was,

AnnaRO's picture
Joined: 07/06/08
Posts: 7033

I don't. I have no friends. I am horrible at making friends and I'm completely incompetent socially. I have a dry sense of humor and I'm very sarcastic, but people tend to think I'm serious. I don't smile very much so people think I'm a b*tch. My BFF lives in KY now. I used to have a few girls I would go out to eat with now and again that I'd met through various jobs, but they kept cancelling out scheduled outings to I stopped trying to schedule.

DH has friends, nearly all of them he went to grade school and high school with and one from college. They would kill for him and I know if I ever need anything they would help me out just because I'm their buddy's wife.

BuckeyeK's picture
Joined: 10/23/06
Posts: 3087

Most of the friends we've made over the years have gradually moved away, and we're kind of homebodies so we haven't really made new ones. We have one couple that we like to hang out with, and DH goes over to their house to play video games once a week. I do miss having good friends, but I am pretty quiet IRL and it takes me a while to make good friends.

ange84's picture
Joined: 12/28/09
Posts: 6564

I have friends from school who I still see sometimes, however I am in a different life space, they are still travelling the world not having babies life space and I am setlled down in the baby phase. Ither than that I have aquaitances, no one I would call to talk or arrange a girls night out with or anything, the two in town here I know through work but it's not like we get together much. I get pretty lonely but suck at making friends and with hubby's work hours have no one to watch Ronin even if I did want a night out with my fictional friends. My house is always too messy to even consider having people over as well.

redneckgirl82884's picture
Joined: 12/17/08
Posts: 955

I have maybe 2 IRL friends. I see them maybe once a year?
I'm terrible with making time for my friends. I feel so guilty if I leave LO with DH for a long period of time.

cactuswren's picture
Joined: 10/19/09
Posts: 4658

Have you seen I Love You, Man?? Lol You're living it! Smile

I totally know what you mean, though. Friends are tricky when you're in this stage of life. It does take work--a lot more than when you're younger! I'm honestly not great at it, either (lazy and more shy than you'd think), which is why I'm usually only friends with people who are good about doing lots of inviting. People also have different need for friendships. Personally, I'm kind of social and kind of a homebody, and DH is really my best friend, so having just a couple of close friends and then enough acquaintances that we get invited to parties and events from time to time is perfect for me. We're in a little bit of a deficit in the close friends department, but OK on acquaintances. Mostly if we're feeling social we hang out with my SIL and her DH, but they have 3 kids so it's not easy to just call them to hang out spontaneously, and sometimes it's more work than it's worth, if we just want to go grab a beer or something. I'd say our next closest friends here are you and Izzy, Erin, if that tells you much. However, my BFF and her husband are moving here at the end of the month (and having a baby) so hopefully that will be perfect. They're very homebody-ish so it should be a good level of involvement, really.

Before babies, we used to have a very close friend who was a social magnet and lived right down the street, so that made life effortless...we'd just hang out over there and he did all the work of inviting other people around. That group scattered and almost all left town right around the time we were TTC, so that ended up being perfect, really (they were a party crowd) but we do miss having friends close enough that it's OK if you have a pile of laundry on the chair and are wearing housepants when they come over, if you know what I mean.

But back to your specific question--Porter would be happy to hang out anytime--he doesn't really have any boys night out friends here either other than his BIL, and he likes Izzy. Their nerdiness might not be in exactly the same department, but there's certainly a lot of overlap, from what I can tell. P is always excited to hang out with you guys. When we get back from CR, we'll have you over. Whether it takes off or not, it would be fun anyway.

TiggersMommy's picture
Joined: 02/14/10
Posts: 6043

So, I just realized something. All we need is another guy with an "R" name and then Porter, Izzy, Sara's DH, and other R dude could be a fearsome foursome by the name of PIr2. If that isn't reason enough to make this happen, I don't know what is. Oooh, Elise's Rob! I have my fourth! Its ON! I'm having jackets made up.

cactuswren's picture
Joined: 10/19/09
Posts: 4658

"TiggersMommy" wrote:

So, I just realized something. All we need is another guy with an "R" name and then Porter, Izzy, Sara's DH, and other R dude could be a fearsome foursome by the name of PIr2. If that isn't reason enough to make this happen, I don't know what is. Oooh, Elise's Rob! I have my fourth! Its ON! I'm having jackets made up.

ROFL :ROFL: ROFL

Okay, that totally seals the deal. When we used to hang out with the aforementioned social friend and his girlfriend, we were PALS. Talk about meant to be! Lol

TiggersMommy's picture
Joined: 02/14/10
Posts: 6043

Oh wait, its Bob, not Rob. Isn't it? No problem. I have a Roland waiting in the wings.

cactuswren's picture
Joined: 10/19/09
Posts: 4658

Yeah, totally Bob. Although I assume that's not his given name... a technicality.

rubber_da_glove's picture
Joined: 12/31/07
Posts: 1527

Kind of. My BFF doesn't have any children and lives miles away so I don't really see her that much. I have a few 'mum friends' who I've met from groups and school. I have been on a night out with my toddler mum friends and I had a great time but they are a lot more cliquey than me so most of the time I just feel like an outsider of the group. I have one friend who I met only a few months ago and her 2 youngest and my boys are the same age so we have quite a bit in common so I'd say right now she's my closest friend. But apart from children's social gatherings I don't really see her, but she never goes out either lol. Then I have work friends. 3 of them I'm really close to. But the office only has 13 staff so it's like being in class of friends at school Smile

DH only really has work friends. He has picked up a few mates from other areas on the way but he never sees anyone socially. The only person he ever goes out with apart from me is his dad Lol but he's an only child so they have always been close

alwayssmile's picture
Joined: 08/26/07
Posts: 14483

Wait....you mean some people have friends that they do things with...as a couple?! :eek:

I'm so friggin' tired of moving. I'm tired of not having any friends where I live. My husband hangs out some with the guys in his class, but not often. Only a few are married. They're into drinking heavily and traveling every weekend. Two other couples have kids - older kids than Aiden. One of them annoys the living daylights out of me because they parent by hitting and screaming. And we have no babysitter that we trust anyway.
We did manage to make a couple of couple friends in Del Rio. They didn't mind one bit hanging out at our house and playing games or going out to eat with a baby thankfully. I miss them! They all were child free.

cactuswren's picture
Joined: 10/19/09
Posts: 4658

You need to get stationed in Tucson! We love games and eating out with babies. That's a pretty accurate description of 100% of our social interactions, really.

The dark side of couple friendships is when you both really like one but not the other. The previous girlfriend of that joint BFF...shudder. We tried--so hard--I even tried hanging out with her solo. But...yikes. We were SO RELIEVED when they broke up.

alwayssmile's picture
Joined: 08/26/07
Posts: 14483

Ooo...definitely been there done that with liking just one person of the couple. Usually it's I don't mind the guy but can't stand the girl. Really though I don't like dumb people. I feel like fighter pilots tend the marry the dumb ones who don't know who charlie chaplin is let alone who is the vice president. So when I hang out with DH's classmates and other pilots I usually really enjoy being with the guys but can't stand their wives. My best friend is bright (a pharmacist!) and her husband is in training to be a fighter pilot too. She doesn't like most wives either. I told her it's because they're dumb. lol. Too bad we will never ever live in the same state again. Sad

alwayssmile's picture
Joined: 08/26/07
Posts: 14483

Okay, so my above reply is mean and stereotypical. I told y'all I'm a horrible military wife. Blum 3

cactuswren's picture
Joined: 10/19/09
Posts: 4658

(I would be too!)

My uncle was a fighter pilot (now commercial) and his wife is very nice and all, but. I know what you mean.

stacymh's picture
Joined: 03/16/10
Posts: 1807

I still live close to where I grew up. My BFF is about 30 minutes away. We see each other some, although it would be nice if it were more. Sometimes it's a girls' night, sometimes couples. My sister and I are very close and she still lives in my hometown, so I get to see her often. DH has close friends where he grew up, about 3 hours away. They see each other about 5-6 times a year. I know he wishes it was more. It seems that all of his close friends he worked with have be restationed out of the state or country.

I'm also quiet and a homebody, I guess I'm lucky that I still live close to friends.

laurensmitty1982's picture
Joined: 07/30/06
Posts: 1117

I have friends,, dh doenst really. I think its a guy thing.. The only friend dh has to call up, hang out with, stop by is his brother.. I have to make dh friends.. Recently I started making a new friend and me and her set up a friend date for her hubby and mine..They hit it off. It was a hunting trip.. We basically said invite Greg to hunting and he did, and now they are hanging out more.. lol

TiggersMommy's picture
Joined: 02/14/10
Posts: 6043

Hmmm. What's the nerdy urban hipster equivalent of hunting? Road biking? Climbing gym?

cactuswren's picture
Joined: 10/19/09
Posts: 4658

Pretty much Lol Noncompetitive sports and/or activities involving beer.

laurensmitty1982's picture
Joined: 07/30/06
Posts: 1117

Yes what cactuswren said... lol

No I know there are other things to do without beer.. Dh doenst really drink, so maybe that is why he doesnt have friends..

Maybe a road biking buddy? That would take a little work to find one of those though. Is there any of your friends that have husbands who seem like they have simliar interests as your husband?

alwayssmile's picture
Joined: 08/26/07
Posts: 14483

"laurensmitty1982" wrote:

No I know there are other things to do without beer.. Dh doenst really drink, so maybe that is why he doesnt have friends..

I'm pretty sure DH bonded with most of his friends through drinking nights. Funny enough the people that DH keeps in touch with the most through all the moving are those he went out drinking with the most. DH struggles socially when he first meets people, so alcohol does help him sadly. He really has to work to be sociable and not just be the awkward geek that happens to be in the room. Though once he makes a friend he makes a real, good friend. I'm pretty much the opposite. I'm great at being sociable and make acquaintances fast. Give me alcohol and I'll become friendly with everyone I can find. Real friends? Yeah, I suck at that. I rarely make actual true friends. I've lost quite a few people that I thought were friends. These days I wonder if I'm subconsciously wondering why bother.

cactuswren's picture
Joined: 10/19/09
Posts: 4658

This is me too...honestly everywhere I've lived (several places, but not military family level!) I've made one REAL keeper-for-life friend, and everyone else is a for-now friend. Which the older I get the more I realize is really just fine. I don't have time for more people in my life than that!