Anna- i'm sure all of our kids say something like that. If Madison gets upset or frustrated she smacks my hand. I've smacked her hand maybe twice her life and that was when she was starting to move around/crawl and I more so tapped her hand. And she tells me no & stop it now a lot..... but I really hope you get to feeling better. You have so many things going on, I just can't even begin to imagine how it is, but we're all here for you Anna. Always!
If I don't get better after this whole moving crap gets resolved I'm going to have to seek help of some kind somewhere. Unfortunately, I don't have any health insurance, so that'll play a factor. But I know that I am not myself at all. I cannot drag myself out of this bottomless pit of despair. My mom is now working 2 jobs after being a SAHM her whole married life. She works 14 hours a day making minimum wage to try to pay her bills and she's 54 years old. This kills me. I feel like I should be able to support her financially. Life has been so unfair to my mom. She deserves to life comfortable in a nice house and I can't give that to her. I'm seriously f#&!ed up. As if y'all didn't know that, but there it is.
Anna, you've had more life stresses this past year than most people. I think it's a great idea for you to find someone somehow after you move. I don't know how to go about finding stuff, but realistically there has to be something available to you! ((hugs))
Just to give you EMPIRICAL PROOF that you are not at all messed up, here is the stress scale that indicates the relative amount of stress different life events (both positive and negative) put on a person. Just quickly adding up the things on this list you've openly discussed with us on here--and I'm sure there are probably even more that apply--you're well over the clinical limit for being at risk from actual physical illness from stress alone. To say nothing of your mental state. And having a temperamentally challenging two year old isn't even on the list. Even positive life events are incredibly stressful in the truest sense of the word, so the move is honestly only piling on, even though it's a great thing in the long run.
I didn't want to beat a dead horse and suggest yet again that you should find someone to help you cope with this very legitimate and real depression you've been struggling with--for whatever reason--but I am really glad to hear that you're thinking of trying to find a way. Most of my closest friends have struggled with depression--either clinical or situational--and have been greatly helped by the right therapist. Your insurance status may be a bump in the road, but shouldn't be a total block. A quick google should give you tons of resources to help you find what you need. There are lots of people and organizations out there that exist to help people just like you. Let them help you!!
And in the meantime, tons of hugs. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but the only sure thing is change. You will get through this. In the meantime, just getting through each day with everyone intact is something to be proud of.
So Adair was up from 12:30 until ??? (I fell asleep on the floor in her room sometime around 2:50something, and went back to my bed at 3:55) complaining incessantly that her butt itched. ????? DH tried changing her diaper and giving her a good scrubdown with a wipe, to which she said "that feels better" but then like 15 minutes later was whining and crying about it again. I slathered her with hydrocortisone, which had about the same effect. I can't SEE anything wrong with her. No idea.
And yes, I'm totally delirious today, after two 2 hour naps instead of a night's sleep. Whee!! At least she did stay down and quiet until her alarm light went on. It was the first time I was actually awakened by her coming in to our room.
Eek. I hate lack of sleep nights! Hooe tonight goes better so you're not a complete zombie.
This morning Aiden snuck downstairs. No idea how long he was down there. Told my husband he needs to be more consistent about putting the gate up when he goes to bed (usually after me)!!! I think he just played with his toys though.
I hate that you can't put one of those more permanent gates up on your stairs. How annoying! At the very least, thank goodness Aiden is so physically competent. I'd be terrified if Adair had free range access to stairs. She's okay at them, but definitely not so good that I wouldn't be constantly having heart attacks in your situation!
Tonight I'm going out for a ladies night out with Erin and Sara and hopefully another friend of ours (who has a 3yo, a 9m old, and is fostering her infant niece right now--I really hope she's able to make it. She deserves it the most!) I was excited, but now I'm so tired it's hard to think of anything but going home and crawling under my quilt as appealing. I'm either going to have to find a way to sneak in a nap or go back to being 25 and drink some Red Bull. UGH. At least it's my morning to sleep in tomorrow....
So far today Lyla has given me the most awesome birthday present. She is still on the first pair of panties I put on her this morning. She pooped in the potty without any prompting and has consistently peed in there. She also found a pair of scissors mommy neglected to put away and 'trimmed' her bangs. Freaked me out when I saw her with the scissors!! It's not too bad though, and no eyeballs were lost.