I sound selfish...but I need to vent. *long*
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Thread: I sound selfish...but I need to vent. *long*

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    Super Poster elaniemay's Avatar
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    Default I sound selfish...but I need to vent. *long*

    So hubby and I have been going over possible names for our next baby (girl name decided, boy name was on the fence) and we were trying to choose a time to start TTC. I wanted to start now, because I feel very ready. He needed persuading. So two days ago, we sat down and I asked what needs to change before he will feel like we are at the right "place" in life to start TTC. First he said more money, then he said he is worried about how my body will carry another baby after my last pregnancy was so eh, then he said he worried about how the kids would react...and then he said he would be doing to make me happy.



    What? Wait...what? Maybe this comment would not have affected some women in the way it has affected me, but I felt like the twin towers had just collapsed on my heart. Having another baby, bringing another life into the world, simply to make me happy? That is unreal to me. Gee, thanks for wanting to make me happy, but do you REALLY think it would make me happy to have another BABY that you aren't as happy to have as me?! No way! I am not some scandalous, selfish woman that says it's my way or the highway. Is that how I am perceived by my own husband? Where the hell have I gone wrong?

    All of that being said, I am so incredibly depressed. This is where the selfish, no-good, horrible mother/wife of the year award comes into play. I love my children, I really really do. But my whole life I have wanted four. He completely gave me the impression that HE wanted four. We were naming our baby JUST LAST WEEK. What gives? He keeps saying to "leave it on the table" but why? He doesn't WANT another baby. Why does my desire to have one mean more than his desire not to? He sends mixed signals. He says if we had an "oops," it would be okay. It's like he doesn't want to plan a baby but if one just "happened" then he could handle that. I don't get that at all. In my mind, if you don't want one, then WHY DIDN'T YOU SCHEDULE THE DAMN VASECTOMY AFTER YOU WENT TO THE CONSULTATION!?!! I was completely in the mind-frame that we were done because after Emma's pregnancy, we both felt maybe it was best. Then HE was the one who said he didn't want to schedule the vasectomy because he didn't want to close the option. He was the one that kept the idea going. He was the one who told me just three weeks ago to stop with birth control and just use a condom and if there was an "oops" then that was fine. WTF HAS HAPPENED?!?

    I seriously need some Xanax. I feel like the most ungrateful mother. I feel selfish. We have three beautiful children, a gorgeous house, we are NOT living paycheck to paycheck and if we don't have another baby, our lives would be fine. I just feel like a part of me has died.

    My best friend says to just leave the issue alone. He isn't asking to go get a vasectomy. He wants to continue on our "condom plan" which, by the way, has ALREADY turned into the "pull out and pray plan" which we all know isn't the most effective. Is he just scared? Do I discount his feelings for now and risk getting pregnant with a baby that he doesn't exactly want? What would you do?

    I'm sorry this is so long. I can't really talk to anyone about it because everyone I know thinks I'm completely lame for having three children, let alone even considering a fourth. Big families are just not the "thing" around here, but I can't help that my gut and my heart say our family is just not complete without #4.

    Am I being a complete ***? Please, tell me if I am. I love my husband but I have to say, this experience has made me feel like I don't know what is going on.

    Oh, and if you are on my FB, please don't mention anything.

    Melanie
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    Posting Addict momW's Avatar
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    wow, have you been spying on our house?! it's like you just replayed a scene that took place here not all that long ago.

    Here's what I've since been able to get out of my DH. He wants another baby because I want another baby, not because he really does. He'll love the next baby just as much as the others but would be perfectly fine to not have another one. We had one night (not sure if you remember me talking about it) where I thought we were all set to start trying and he pulls out the condom. I was like "Whoa, WTF?!" After that we got done we talked and he told me he just wasn't sure he was ready, when the week before he was commenting on how he'd have to step up his game and break out the baby making moves. I was so confused and soooo upset. I really could've poked his eyes out that week. He made me feel like if I pushed the issue that I was going to be choosing my wants over his. Once we finally talked about it though I realized it's not necessarily that for him it's a choice of mine over his, in his eyes. It's hard to explain. But anyway, call me a selfish b!@#$ for it but I picked having another baby and now that we're officially TTC, he's fine with it.

    He's also not one that likes to over-think things, I think he'd prefer to have "accidents" with all of our children rather than to "plan" anything. And I also really think one of his biggest complaints about having another child is that he worries about me handling it. The first 5ish months are really hard on me with a newborn, I don't do well without the sleep. He's never said it, his excuses are always the same as your DH's but I've really listened to some of his comments recently and I know that's what he's worried about even though he'd never actually say it.

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    Posting Addict laurensmitty1982's Avatar
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    I dont think you are being a unreasonable. Your situation sounds like mine but reverse the roles. My dh thinks we should have our 4th now, but I never said I wanted a 4th. If I told him today that I was ready he would be on ready to go, but Im the one who is scared or unsure. I havent said that its def. out of the question, im just not ready to make the decision.

    Sounds like he is just not ready at this moment. Sometimes I think it takes a little poking and prodding but Im sure he will be ready. I think that although your ready now, maybe give him a few months. For me, I told dh that I need a few years. I want to have a little more freedom since Ive been trapped in the mommyhousewife position for the last 3 years. I want to work, and then when my ds is in kindergarden we will both make the decision together which he is fine with.
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    that must be really tough!

    We are not quite in that position yet, we know we def want a 2nd, our whens might be a little different though. I want a 3rd and DH doesn't but I think I might be able to convince him. So no, I don't think you are being selfish That still doesn't make it any easier on you though.
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    Posting Addict Newlywed630's Avatar
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    I don't think you are selfish at all. I do not think dh is in the wrong either. I think he is just unsure of what the future will bring.. and all men seem to think about is MONEY. I know my dh does. I really am not wanting another, if we ever do it wouldn't be until I was closer to 30. dh is ok with this. and I think that if we BOTH are missing the baby years by then, then we will go ahead with another. If we are in the right place in our lives of course. If not, then he will go ahead and get the big V. Good luck understanding your husband! LOL! I know I never can understand mine
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    Posting Addict rubber_da_glove's Avatar
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    I don't think your being selfish at all. All my DH thinks about is money when he's thinking about having baby no.3. He also says he wants the kids to move out when he retires so he's got to have them all young(ish) But if he starts kicking my babies out when he's had enough I'll be going with them

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    Posting Addict momW's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rubber_da_glove View Post
    I don't think your being selfish at all. All my DH thinks about is money when he's thinking about having baby no.3. He also says he wants the kids to move out when he retires so he's got to have them all young(ish) But if he starts kicking my babies out when he's had enough I'll be going with them

    Men really don't think before they speak
    And this is the reason my DH won't consider any more kids after this next one. He'll be 40 in March and he wants all the kiddos off to college or at least gone when he retires.

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    Posting Addict butterflykissesx6's Avatar
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    I don't think you are being selfish either. However, I was in the reverse role not to long ago. My DH wanted kids so bad and I was on the fence, one the fence....I finally caved and had Miranda. Then....not but a few months later he started talking about another Seriously? I was in no way shape or form wanting a 6th...I even went to a consultation to have my tubes tied.....after I thought about it for awhile I was at peace knowing that a 6th wouldn't be so bad.....now look, I have 2 more wonderful girls...that I NEVER in a million years thought I'd have.

    Did it take some poking and proding....yes, did I probably say some hurtful things to him? I'm sure I did. I thank God that I "caved"....give your hubby a little slack...give him time to think it through. Always taking that plunge and having another is always scary....he will manage, you will manage.

    Good Luck
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    Super Poster elaniemay's Avatar
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    Thank you, girls. I knew you'd all make me feel better. I am trying to just put the new baby stuff on the back burner for now and enjoy going into the holiday season with my little family.

    Melanie
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    Posting Addict Newlywed630's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by momW View Post
    And this is the reason my DH won't consider any more kids after this next one. He'll be 40 in March and he wants all the kiddos off to college or at least gone when he retires.
    My dh says the same thing!!! He says "we will only be in our early 40's when our kids are 20" he wants to keep it that way. I think it will be cool sure, but at the same time, I think it is gonna be super hard to convince him to have another many years from now, just for that reason alone.
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