First of all, why am I up at 2 am? Seriously, am I really the only night owl here? There doesn't even usually seem to be any west coast girls up when I am. And the sad part is that my children have been asleep for hours! I just naturally stay up super late. Luckily I don't have to work tomorrow!!
Which gets me to the good part - I have a date tomorrow!! Finally! I'm going out with the guy who came by my work to ask if I wanted to eat lunch with him and then didn't offer to pay for it. But I'm giving him a chance to redeem himself, lol. Actually, he's cooking dinner for me, so we'll see how it turns out! I'm not even sure if I really like him, but I figure, what have I got to lose? So anyways, I'll let you girls know how it turns out!
BTW, what do you all think about the not paying for lunch thing, and the making me dinner instead of going out? I don't think that money is everything, but after being married to a slacker that never had a job and sucked ever dime out of me that he could, I am going to require a guy to have some financial stability before I really get involved. And I know that it's not because he doesn't make any money. I cash his paycheck every week. I know that he makes way more in a week than I do in a month. If you think this is a dumb question just ignore it, I'm kind of rambling now. (Plus it's 2 am. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! )
Last edited by Vstarr; 06-26-2011 at 10:43 AM.
I'm awake, but it ids only 5:30pm here. Not sure what to make of that guy, maybe he has had women in the past just use him for his money so the not paying and cooking dinner are ways for him to ensure someone is not with him just for his money. I understand your hesitance as well. I hope you have a great time tomorrow no matter what.
Have fun at dinner! He might have some family responsibility, like caring for parents or other kids or something. I'd ask some questions in the interest of getting to know you about his family. Maybe ask more about his job. There's a possibility that maybe he's taken out girls in the past who insisted on pay their own way or something. Or maybe he's just really cheap or really bad at managing his money. If anything seems fishy to you or not what you're looking for after this, run. I think a second chance is fine.
I have a single friend who lives in Vegas. She will actually ask a guy during a second date if he's happy with his job and wants to stay there for a long time or if he's trying to get into something else down the line (stability). Then she asks how much vacation he gets in a year, if he gets sick time, and if he has health insurance. She says if you don't have all of those things you don't have a real career and she needs to move on because she's not helping a guy freeload off of her. She's had a lot of really bad dates over the years though. Peeing in an elevator at the Venetian on the strip? Check. Brings daughter to dinner w/o every mentioning he has a kid? Check. And she has no shoes and her hair hasn't been brushed? Check. Guy who admits to being a drug dealer? Check. I swear my friend should write a book!
~Jackie, mommy to Aiden (11/2/10) and Zoe (VBAC 11/27/12)
Humm.. Well maybe he considered your first "date" really more of a meetup or friendly type event.. So he didnt realize it was an actual date and thats why he didnt offer to pay.. Did he pay for his own lunch that day?.. Thats the only thing I could think of since it was lunch instead of dinner. I think the farther along you guys get into a relationship is when I would be a little more attentive on to how he acts with that.. but you are def. correct.. If he is a stinge arse or never offering to pay for you I would take that as a sign to run.. When me and dh were dating he always paid and I would paid too, but usually only if I offered or I ask..
Maybe he wants you at his house so it will be more personal, or so he cant get to know you better.. Or so he can keep you on the date longer.. Usually going out means the date is over after dinner which is a good thing because if you want to escape from the date..
Mom of 3 beautiful babes!
1 mth 6mth, 11mth
Wow Jackie, I hope I don't have as many dating "adventures" as your friend does! LOL.
I hope I'm not coming across sounding selfish, but I am definitely wary of being taken advantage of again. From what I know of his finances, he does seem to make a lot, but he kind of eluded to the fact this past week that some of that went towards paying some of his crew members, so it might not all be his. He has 2 kids, I can't remember their ages but I think 7 & 9? The ex has custody, so I'm assuming he has child support to pay. Also, he apparently owns 3 different properties, one of which he has worked out an owner financed deal w/ the guy trying to buy it, but then the guy is refusing to pay the property taxes on it. We were having a wonderful conversation about property taxes. How interesting, right? But that's pretty much all I know, so I definitely don't know the whole picture.
Lauren - yes, he did pay for his own, thank goodness! (At least that's something, my ex never even did that!!)
I don't think you're being selfish whatsoever. You've got two kids to worry about. The last thing you need is some guy freeloading off you. BTDT, right?
This guy could have a couple things going on. He could be clueless about picking up the check if he asks you out to lunch. Maybe he feels that the modern working woman prefers to split the check (men pick up strange things from magazines). Perhaps he really couldn't afford to pick up the check. I think so long as he didn't expect you to pick up the check this isn't a big deal. As for cooking dinner at home, some of my favorite dates with my hubby back in the early days were nights he cooked for me. He could want to do it because he really likes to cook. Or maybe he can't afford to take you out. Or maybe he prefers the proximity to his bedroom .... Those first two options are sweet, IMO. Even if he can't afford to take you out, he's making an effort.
I dated a total tight wad for a few years. It drove me NUTS! He was a coupon clipping, buy one get one, wacko. We never went anywhere unless he could get a good deal on something. We made about the same amount of money. Both of us still lived with our parents so it's not like we had any real bills. I paid for a trip to Niagara Falls for Valentines day and when it came to having dinner on V-day he *****ed me out about choosing an entree option over $20. Our relationship ended shortly after that. I didn't care that he didn't buy me gifts. I didn't care that he mooched everything from his Mom. But dude, don't ***** your GF out over $20 when she just dropped $900 for a romantic vacation.
I've had wonderful experiences with guys who were tight on cash too. When I met DH, he had recently quit his job (that he HATED) and was living off his savings. He was very careful with his money because he didn't know when he was going to have a job again. If I wanted to go out, I had to pay. He wasn't using me for my money. He'd always suggest a cheaper/free alternative. I wanted to go out on the town so I had to pay. He wasn't unemployed because he was lazy or inept. He was just looking for a more satisfying track. Once he found that track, he started picking up the check (but by then we were living together so it didn't matter so much who paid). To me, his tightwad tendencies signaled responsibility rather than usury.
So, if you feel like this guy is being tight with his cash. It's perfectly acceptable to try and figure out why. It could signal a pretty serious character flaw or it could indicate his maturity and responsibility. It could be a long term issue or it could be just a bump in the road. What's most important is that you like him .... and that he has a nice butt. Nice butts usually trump the size of his wallet
Man....by 2am I was snnnoooooozzzzzzing and sleeping hard LOL
Anyways, I don't think it's a requirement anymore for the man to buy your food, especially the first time you guys went to eat somewhere. It could have been just been just for friendly converstation......I think it is TOTALLY awesome that he's cooking dinner for you. I don't see it strange at all.
You have every right to be selfish. If he isn't what you want, then he isn't what you want. Don't settle for less.
I would be wary too, but at the same time, maybe that first lunch was just a get to know you kind of thing. The fact that he's making you dinner instead of taking you out is kinda cool IMO. It shows that he's willing to put out effort Besides, home cooked always tastes better. Especially if he has a nice butt