I know we have talked discipline before but now that toddler tantrums are in full force how is everyone handling it?
Daycare mommas- how do they deal at daycare with tantrums and defiance?
When u leave kiddo in others care have u had to have a conversation on how they should discipline or handle tantrums?
How do u handle public tantrums and or discipline?
Hm, good question. A little hard to answer since it depends so much on the situation, but I guess the general points I try to keep in mind are:
-Reward positive behavior!!! It's hard to remember, but I really try to notice when she's playing nicely, being polite, etc. and comment on it, so she's getting attention for good behavior, not just bad behavior.
-Discipline is more about teaching and guidance than punishment. So, we'll do "time out" if she's doing something where being removed from the situation is the only real choice (like hitting the dogs), but it's not punitive--I stay with her and help her calm down until we can re-approach the issue or redirect.
-Any "punishments" I try to keep directly related to the crime--like if she gets stubborn and refuses to pick up her crayons after I've attempted to get her to do it in a few different ways, I'll say "Are you going to pick them up, or do they need to go bye bye?" and if she still won't then they get put in the top of the closet for a while.
-We do not respond to "toddler terrorism" (like giving in to screaming, rudeness, demanding, snatching, etc.) She can calm down and ask nicely or she can be ignored and go without. End of story. (Although I do calmly try to help her get there!)
-Don't phrase it as a question if "no" is not an option!
-Related: I never, EVER threaten something I can't follow through on, and whenever possible I try to limit her choices to "do it yourself or I do it" (not two things she has control over) so it's enforceable. Like "Are you going to walk with me, or am I going to carry you?" so if she doesn't come with me then there's something I can do about it!
Ummmm...I'm sure there's more but that's what comes to mind off the top of my head. They're two--it's their nature to test limits and throw tantrums. They will get past it with a little guidance...and a lot of time.
Our daycare pretty much has the same philosophy of discipline as I do (one big reason i picked that daycare!) so I don't worry too much about it. Addy has never had a discipline issue at school anyway--nothing big enough they felt like they needed to tell me about, anyway. A little not wanting to share her beloved pink marker or something is about it.
I haven't really had to talk to anyone else about how to handle this because she doesn't throw tantrums for other people. Only lucky us!
Public, I try hard to head off tantrums with distraction but if it's really bad and there's nothing I can do, I'll just leave with her. If it's not something I can REALLY leave I'll go outside or to the bathroom or something with her--where she can't bother others. Ultimately that's really all you can do. Fortunately, that doesn't happen too much.
Our philosophy is very similar to Leigh's.
I handle defiance by redirection (ex: Teagan- "NO CLOTHES, AAAAH" Me- "Hey, let's go pick out clothes that match mommy's. Can you find a purple shirt?") or by giving her the choice of doing it herself or having me do it. I use counting to three to give her time to make that choice. For instance, Teagan - "NO INSIDE NOOOOO" Me - "Teagan, I'm going to count to three. You can walk inside but when I get to three I'm going to carry you. 1, 2 ... compliance ... or carrying)
I agree to NEVER EVER use threats you can't or really wouldn't want to follow through on. I often have to pause and really think of something that I can enforce right there and that won't completely ruin my day. For instance Teagan-"NO SITTING IN SHOPPING CART!!" Me- "Teagan, sit down or I'm going to make you walk." or if walking doesn't seem like a better alternative to me "Teagan, sit down or we're going to have time out in the cheese aisle". I would NOT say "Sit down or we're leaving" because I need to do my grocery shopping.
I handle violence by first telling her that she's hurt whomever it was she hit and then I tell her that she'll have a time out if she does it again. If she does it again, I remove her from the situation and we sit in a quiet corner for a minute.
I handle tantrums by waiting nearby until the anger turns into vulnerability and then I go in for a hug. I don't try to explain anything to her, ask her questions, or reprimand her until I sense that shift. If she's being violent towards me in her tantrum I just back further away. Patience really works with tantrums. Since I started using this scheme it has shortened tantrums by at least 90%. They still happen but we get through them faster and we're both better off afterwards.
We reward positive behavior. She says please a lot and she's just started saying thank you and I always tell her that I appreciate her saying it.
Same daycare as Leigh and same teacher so no differences there. I'm very glad she has the teacher she does. Some teachers are constantly harping on the kids whereas T & A's teacher uses redirection appropriately. I've never seen a kid throw a tantrum there. Kids are just happy there!
I've spoken with my Dad about how we handle discipline just in conversation but its never been an issue because she's always so dang well-behaved for other people .. little stinker. I think that anyone I'd leave Teagan with knows that we most absolutely do not under any circumstances hit our child.
ETA: Oh yeah, public. I do the same thing as I do at home. Its embarrassing sometimes but I'm past the point of really caring if my child is laying on the sidewalk screaming and I'd much rather be consistent. If we're somewhere that demands quiet, I'll just leave. I try to avoid places like that ...
Last edited by TiggersMommy; 09-14-2012 at 07:36 PM.
we try to use distraction a lot. For the most part he is pretty good and we havn't had a lot of tantrums or issues. he is pretty defiant though and our biggest issue i would say is him not listening. I would like to follow the same guide that Erin and Leigh is using, i just tend to not think of the right things to say most of the time. I like the choices idea we don't do that enough i think. If i need him to come somewhere with me and he doesn't when i tell him to i usually just go pick him up but giving him a choice sounds like a better plan.
He never gives tantrums at daycare and i don't think he has been too defiant there. She told me she only gave him a time out once for hitting and she sat with him on the stairs talking to him. of course he sits quietly with her
we hardly use babysitters, but we havn't had a talk with anyone about it although my mom has asked what we do when he doesn't listen.
Public tantrums we havn't really dealt with yet.
I pretty much follow what Leigh and Erin mentioned as much as I can. I struggle some days, but most of the time I'm good about offering choices I can live with. My biggest struggle is balancing two crazy toddlers at once. When they both want to do the opposite thing (inside/outside) it's a huge struggle. Somehow I have to convince one or the other to change their mind.
Daycare will do time outs for hitting, kicking, throwing and biting once they reach the toddler room (18 months). Once the kid calms down they are good about talking it over with the child in a way they can understand. My kids are much less defiant at daycare, in fact I'm often told they are so well behaved. *rolling eyes*.
Haven't really left the kids with anyone other than my sister and my closest friend. Both of them have seen us in action during tantrums and such so know exactly how we like to handle things so no real "explaining", just modeling I guess.
been able to avoid an actual tantrum in public so far. Not listening or crying because we wouldn't buy something we have dealt with. The not listening gets a warning that if they fail to listen then they will go into the cart and then following through. crying gets dealt with by calming them down first then explaining why we aren't getting the toy. I figure they are sad/upset and I'm not going to remove them from the store. It seems like a punishment for something that has made them sad. They have a right to be sad even if it disturbs others IMHO. Course I only go into stores with the kids that are semi-kid friendly too. If I was in a high end store or such I might feel differently, but the toy aisles at Target I don't worry about being in public. Ethan is at the stage that he says "I'm sad mommy. I want that toy" It's totally adorable!
Time outs do not work here. And I am not wiling to put him in his crib or playpen or somewhere where he'd be trapped because i'm sure it will end up giving him a negatie association. So if I try a time out, he'll climb down (say from a chair or where ever) so I put him back, and suddenly this becomes a game. LOL!!!
We do distraction alot. Sometimes I do raise my voice (not yell per say, but get serious about it if that makes sense) or he just thinks everything is a joke and laughs. He knows when I use my serious voice and usualy stops whatever he was doing.
Simon is actually pretty good for listening to us. The only thing he does that drives me nuts is sort of yell/scream if he wants attention from me or DH when we're talking, its really hard to ignore because he'll keep doing it. Not sure what to do there....any suggestions?
Teagan's been screeching a lot. I can usually tell what it is that she's screeching about and so we ask her to say it instead of scream it. That usually works. For instance, she'll have a snack at her little table and the dogs will give her the "I want your food" eye. She'll let our a bloody curdling scream. I'll say, "Don't scream. Tell them to go away." She'll say, "Go away, Doggies!" and I'll kick the dogs out of the room. For awhile we were just ignoring it hoping it would go away if we didn't acknowledge that it was driving us insane but it just kept getting worse. Its a form of communication from a child that is just figuring out communication. Correction and suggestion give them something to work with and make them feel 'heard'.
I see how that would work Erin if he wanted something specifically but he only seems to do this when DH and I are talking with eachother and ignoring him. Its like he has to have our attention 24/7. If he's busy with a toy or otherwise preoccupied he doesnt do it, but say we are standing in the kitchen and he comes racing him and we dont stop automatcially to talk to him, he does it. He also has a knack for doing it while we're on the phone. Though I think the whole phone/need your attention thing is just a part of havingt kids.