uncomfortable question

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jperry5683's picture
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uncomfortable question

So this is a question not everyone might be comfortable answering but I'm just looking for feedback...

How did u come to the decision for who you would leave your children to should something happen to you and dh besides trust and competency?

Sorry for the downer question. Circumstances have changed with our original choice and of course we are revisiting it now with another on the way. Dh and I can't come to an agreement now...

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Last seen: 2 years 7 months ago
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we still arn't there and it scares me. The past year a lot of situations/relationships have changed for us and we do not have anyone we would feel comfortable leaving him with. We do have two friend couples we would consider asking, but it is a huge load to ask of someone that isn't family IMO. They are both very good friends to us, and both have been trying for quite awhile to have their own children with one going through the process of adopting currently. They live about 5 hours up north which would be an issue for us as we would want him around the familiy. The other couple there is no issues, we just feel like it would be a huge ask and we wouldn't want them to feel guilted into it. I do not feel comfortable at all leaving him with in laws and i guess DH doesn't either as he has never considered them as an option. There are my parents, but they are separated now and my mom lives several hours away and works most of the time, my dad isn't really the maternal type, there just is not a lot of options. Good luck, it is never an easy thing and it's not something a lot of people like to even think about.

PatienceW's picture
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We haven't done that yet....we know right now he'd go to a grandparent...which ever set was in the best position to take on a child..it is a very hard decision. but we know that whichever set of grandparents he went to he'd still be very much involved w both families.

alwayssmile's picture
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We don't have an official decision and we have to have one before December since DH is required to have that sorted out for his job (which of course means I have to do it too)! Right now I'm leaning towards my best friend. She's well educated so even if something happens to her husband, she can support her kids and ours. And she parents very, very similarly to us. Which for young kids is very important to us. My parents would be very upset over this, but I know that they'd do everything they can to keep up our kids' relationships with their grandparents. But financially my parents couldn't do it and my dad has health issues that haven't been close to being diagnosed. Sad

(My ILs are in their mid 70s and wouldn't want our kids. They'd happily travel to wherever to visit as long as their health allows.)

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It wasn't too difficult for us, thank goodness. We both have both sets of parents, and all are in good health. So we had to decide between them, but my mom watches the kids already when I'm at work, so we felt it was an easy decision to select my parents. When they get older, we will probably name my BIL and his fiance (will be wife next summer).

AnnaRO's picture
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It really wasn't a hard decision for us. DH's parents are 76 and 68 years old and could never handle my kids on any kind of long-term basis. No one else is financially able to do so except for DH's sister. DH's sister that lives in our town is crazy, but his other sister and her DH are very well off (they go on like 5 or 6 vacations a year, and I mean Bahamas, Disneyland, etc.). They have 3 kids of their own and SIL is a SAHM. They also share our parenting styles and most other life views, and they love our kids. I have no doubt she would love my kids like her own.

If we didn't have them, we'd be pretty screwed as to who would get our kids. We have told them, but we haven't told any of our parents since they'd be hurt by that, but I do think they'd understand our reasoning.

cactuswren's picture
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I was just worrying about this today. I have no idea. We only have one real option (everyone else is either way too old or WAY too crazy), and I love them to pieces but frankly they already have too many kids for their personal sanity and finances, and the stress level in that house is through the roof at all times. I know that they would love Adair like one of their own but frankly I don't want to put her OR them through the total implosion that would definitely happen with the addition of another person in the household.

Maybe DH and I should just never ride in a car together again.

TiggersMommy's picture
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Its something we've discussed but never put in writing. DH's father is older and penniless and a tad crazy. So, no. My parents are divorced and even though I'd trust them completely to raise my children well, neither has the lifestyle that would accommodate parenting a young child. They had me at age 20 so they're off living it up now that their kids are all independent. So, no. That leaves siblings. Only one of DH's brothers is married. All our other siblings are either too young or SO not in a place to be a parent. So it was pretty easy to decide on BIL & SIL. Come to think of it though, I'm not 100% sure we've informed THEM of that. I think we did? Well, if SIL is stalking me she could let me know if I've indeed let them know Wink It was easy to settle upon them because we know that we'd do the same for them if asked without a second thought. We also know that they'd parent similarly to us. As a backup, I'd choose my sister. She's young (23) and not exactly financially stable quite yet but she's got her **** together and she's on a path towards marrying a really awesome guy and I know my mother would help her out (they live really close).

ange84's picture
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We've got nothing, my brother is still pretty immature and also because of a serious motorbike accident a few years back he may end up with some ongoing issues regarding how well he can use his arms and stuff as he gets older. Bil i have never met and hubby has a new relatinship with him, he has experience with kids, he has helped raise his partners kids since he was in his teens but he also doesn't know my family or have a realtionship with mil. Mil is guano crazy, my Dad i would never ask and i think my mum deserves to enjoy her life now she has raised her own kids. Hubby's bff may not be appropriate, Ronin would look out of olace as they are indigenous and also are LDS sonnot sure if i would want to expect Ronin to have to join the religion. My two closest friends, one doesn't want kids, the other wants her own but her and her partner work crazy shifts right now. We have one set of friends but they also have three kids of their own so more may be too much for them

tink9702's picture
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My sister will take the kids if anything happens to DH and I.

both our moms are passed. DH's dad we haven't heard from since our wedding 8 years ago (he's moved and never let us know too), my dad is just not in a good place financially and I also don't trust him to raise my children. DH has two half siblings he hasn't heard from in over 15 years and one half sister that is crazy, possibly going to go through a divorce in the next couple years and has grown children, works too much and I don't like how she raised her kids so absolutely not. Our backup if my sister was unable for some reason are some close friends. I rather not though as both are a little strapped financially. I would trust them to raise my kids though so they are named in case so my dad does NOT get the kids.

momW's picture
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My parents I guess. We've never really officially set it but it would be the logical choice I suppose. Financially they can't handle the kids but with what she would get from both of us passing she would be well set. DH's siblings are great and all but not a one of them parents like us and the ones that I would trust are all the older siblings with kids in or graduated from college. DH's parents are in their 70's and 80's so that's out. I have at least another 4 years before I can die because I do NOT want DD1 ever living with her dad and in 4 years she'll be 18!!!

rubber_da_glove's picture
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It's not been discussed but I'm pretty sure they would be joint custody between both grandparents. Both of our parents live next to each other on the same road so it wouldn't be difficult.

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I haven't offically had it written out, but I need to. I have set up my sister as beneficiary of my life insurance policies and 401K, which I had to do to make sure that my kids' dad has absolutely no access to any of it. He would have it spent in less than a year. I completely trust her to manage them so that my kids are taken care of until they are through college (yes, I have discussed this with her). I also would completely trust her raising my kids. But I'm not sure though if she would actually take them or if my parents would take care of them. My parents are in good health now, but they are 64 and 65, so who knows 5 or 6 years from now.

All this may change anyways once I get married. I will probably rethink how my beneficiaries are set up. This thread also reminds me that I've really been wanting to get an official will drawn up, and a trust for the kids if something were to happen to me. I've been putting that off.