Warning it's a NOVEL - OT about DD1 - Need advice

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Joined: 10/17/09
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Warning it's a NOVEL - OT about DD1 - Need advice

If you get through this - I commend you!! Blum 3 I have to get this off my chest & I could really use some kind of advice as to what the heck to do...

My DD1 is going to be 4 in June. Her bio-dad and I split just before she turned 1. I HATE him; and that's an understatement. So jumping forward (LOL) In our paperwork I have sole-custody of DD1 with him having reasonable access w reasonable notice. He "agreed" to pay support, and then on top of that half of all medical bills that might arise (eye appt, dental appts etc), half of daycare/school costs, and half of any extra activities (dance class, soccer, etc etc).

So in the last 3 years he has had made almost zero contact. Atfirst, it wasn't so bad... however as time goes on, it's getting worse and worse. He has moved (up to 3.5hours away) more than I can count on both my hands and feet & has only twice given me his address (after the fact). He will not give me his home telephone number or cell number. When he would call he would block his numbers. He has been w a string of women in this same time frame; sometimes living w them. He met one and married her - however they have had a string of breakups before their "elopement" and have separated & since gotten back together...

In 2010, he saw DD1 TWICE!! (I just checked my on-going documentation that I have to keep and give to my lawyer). TWICE ppl!! That's beyond absurd!! He hasn't seen her AT ALL this year. His last phone call was Nov 25th 2010 & he called to see if DD1 was on anyone's benefits... He didn't ask about DD1 and how she was doing nor did he want to talk to her...

He is, however, only 6 months (roughly $2000) behind in support payments. He was behind this time last year too, roughly $1700 & when he did his taxes the government held them from him & they sent me the full amount of what he owed me. He has had his license suspended twice. He has had two vechiles tagged & towed because of not paying support. His wages were at one point being garnished so that I get DD1's monthly support; when he has had a job. As of Mar 30 2011 he has made a "re-payment" plan w the Family Responsibilty Office; which is where he agrees to pay the full months amount support and an additional amount to help lower the arrears he is in. So we'll see what this month brings. He however has NOT paid anything else. He owes over $800 in daycare costs, $45 for dental, roughly $100 for two years of soccer. He doesn't plan on paying a cent towards any of these "extra's".

Also, in Sept 2010, he sent me paperwork in hopes to re-neogiate our custody agreement. In his paperwork he requested every 3rd weekend to be 'his weekend' & he would take DD1 to his residence in Ottawa. He also wanted two phone calls w DD1 per week. There were all sorts of things in there as well, such as lowering support, changing her last name back to his, only allowing DD1 to enroll in 1 sport or activity per year; which he would not pay half for; and it could not be on a Sat or Sun. Etc etc... I actually responded to his paperwork through email w a lawyers advice and agreed to the weekends (but here in town) and the phone calls. He NEVER ONCE called, and NEVER ONCE showed up to see DD1.

DD1 has called DF daddy since I can remember. DF and I never speak of her bio-father; and if by chance we do, it's NEVER EVER infront of her. To be completely honest w all of you; she used to call her bio-father daddy & then it changed to his real name & now there is one pic in her baby book of him, and when she sees it (which is like never) she doesn't even know who he is. She'll ask me who's in the photo w me. That's the only time he is "brought up" & to be honest, I just answer "oh that was one of mommy's friends a long time ago" I don't think she even remembers she has another father...

I got an email from him on Mar 17th simply saying he knows he can be a good father & wants to call DD1.

I don't have any idea what to do. I didn't actually expect to really ever hear from him again... I mean, DF & I w our girls have a wonderful little family going on... He kinda throws a wrench in it... I really want to just email him back & tell him I would prefer to continue w our current situation (aka stay the hell out of our lives) or do I actually allow him to "try" & then sit back & watch him screw it up (because we all know he will)... but end up hurting my DD1 in the process??????

KittyRN's picture
Joined: 02/03/09
Posts: 1260

Crappy situation for you. I dont have any real advice as but just wanted to send you hugs.

jolly11sd's picture
Joined: 02/02/05
Posts: 3327

I am so so sorry that she has such uninvolved father and that you have to deal with all that with your ex. Sounds like he was wanting to have more contact just to get out of paying some of what he owed/owes. Its good that she feels a connection with your DF and that he fills in that father role. As much as you want to give him a chance to contact her I guess you really to have to protect her from dissapointment and hurt that could come from him not following through. She is getting old enough though that you could give her a version of what is going on without going into too many details. Like maybe explain that she has a 'father' that was lucky enough to be part of her creation (maybe point out parts of her that resemble him) and why that will always be special but that DF is the one that is her 'dad' and tucks her in every night and goes to her soccor games and why that is very special as well. If you put it into 4 year old terms in a way kinda like that it might help her to understand who the man in the baby book is as she grows up and becomes more curious and give some understanding to it if he does really follow through and contact her. I think visits would be hard because you'd be sending her to spend time with someone that may be a total stranger to her.

Joined: 09/05/08
Posts: 392

*Lurker*

First of all, :bigarmhug: I know this is a sucky situation. Mine is a bit different, but here it is in a nutshell(yeah, right!)

Ex and I were married. Had DD. Split when she was just over 2. He saw her every Sat. for a few months, then moved out of province. Didn't see her, unless he came back for work purposes. She wouldn't talk to him on the phone. We were legally separated, but not divorced. After a couple years, we decided to get back together. DD and I moved to Alberta. 1 1/2 years later, we all moved back here, again for his work. We were together for about a year, then he left again. This time for good.

He got back together with the girl he'd been seeing the first time we split. Actually, he was cheating on me. Anyways, I met DH, and we had DS and then got married. He has since had a kid with his GF.

All this time he had been paying child support, and he was bound by our agreement to pay for 1/2 of the payment on my vehicle which he had co-signed on the loan for. In Dec. of 2010 he said he was broke, blah blah blah, and that he didn't want to make the vehicle payment anymore, and he wanted to halve the amount of support that he was paying. I refused, and he went ahead and adjusted his support against the guidelines of the agreement. We were to exchange Notices Of Assessment once our taxes were done. I had to take him to court to get the money for the vehicle. He got mad, and filed in family court to take DD for 2 weeks every month. Until then it had been every Sat. for 7 hours. DD turned 10 last year, she didn't like going with him, would throw tantrums, was a totally different kid when she comes home from being with him. So I took her to a counsellor, and this all came out and ex was told about it. So now we have come to a "conclusion" of sorts with the justice counsellor, which is the step before actually going to court. He will gradually increase his time with her, at her approval. Right now, almost a year later, he is up to a whopping 8 hours. She refuses to spend the night. He has no room for her anyways. He tells her laughable stories about when he and GF have a house, they will have a room for her and whatever. He has no money. I am enrolled in FMEP, family maintenance enforcement, he has finally paid what he owed, but since he was late last year with his payments, he now owes the program $400, and has had a federal intercept put in place, which means he won't get his tax refund if he is entitled to one.

When he filed the claim last summer, I also found out that he never bothered to tell me that his income went up and therefore his child support should have gone up. He lied. Big surprise that now he refuses to pay it. It's like $1200. He won't pay for any of DD's activities, refused to pay for daycare, refuses to pay for her orthodontics.

He says "oh, well I'm in debt, and I have a new baby" wah wah, well, maybe you don't go buying a brand new truck. Maybe you make some sacrifices. Nope.

Anyways, after all that, my advice would be- pick your battles. If you aren't destitute paying for your DD's activities, daycare, etc. then let it go. That can be your leverage in negotiation. Something you're willing to give up. I don't even ask anymore. I just put her into whatever, as long as it's not on Sat. And I don't tell him.

Sounds like you are documenting everything, that's good. If you do have to go to court, you can say well, he's seen her "x" amount of times EVER, he is basically a stranger to her.

DD's counsellor says that DD is insecurely attached to her father, which means basically that she loves him because he's her father, but not really any other reason. She also said that DD is WAY more attached to my DH than to her father. She calls DH daddy, and has for a while. She calls DS her brother, and she calls her father's other child her step-brother. She doesn't call the GF anything. The GF is so uninvolved in DD's life that it's disgusting. Ex tries to claim that they are a family, yet he and DD don't even go to his house every weekend. Probably 1 out of 3. The rest they just spend the whole 8 hours wandering around town. Without GF and the baby.

I wish that he would have no contact with her(and us!) I can't stand the guy. He usually does pick up and drop off at my mom's, because every time I see him i just want to punch him in the face.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this. It's a terrible situation to be in. You want desparately to do what you feel is best for your child, you KNOW what is best for her, but you have to fight for it.

Joined: 06/22/10
Posts: 5602

that is a tough situation, i am sorry you are going through it :bighug:

i'm sorry i don't have any advice

laurensmitty1982's picture
Joined: 07/30/06
Posts: 1117

That is a really sad situation mostly for you DD1. Can you imagine what she would feel like if she was capable of those feelings. I have a friend that just seperated and her ex has to pay all the same things as your ex, but he just has a visitation schedule and does keep to it.

I think that you are giving him all the chances to see her and you did show that by agreeing to the 3rd weekend a month thing, but if he doesnt jump on that chance too, I would almost want to just cut the loss. When you and your DF get married maybe you can have her adopt her as his own, not make him finacially be responsible and get him out of your lives.

My BFF in real life, had her first dd by a highschool BF. He never once made and attempt to pay or visit his daughter. Eventually she got remarried when her dd was like 1yr old. He takes care of her, supports her, he is her real dad. She is 10 right now and she still doenst know that he is not her bio dad. I asked my BFF if she is going to tell her one day and she still hasnt made up her mind(which I think is a really bad idea). I told her that she should of made it known since the beginning because now she is going to be tramatized if she ever finds out.

AnnaRO's picture
Joined: 07/06/08
Posts: 7033

Poor Brooke! I hate that for her. Too bad he doesn't want to be more involved with her. It seems like he pops back in every now and again just to throw off the flow of your DD's life. I say let him try to visit her, supervised. Make plans with him to maybe visit with you and Brooke or all of you. That way you don't really have to tell DD all about it ahead of time and if he doesn't show, then nobody knows but you.

While I strongly feel that every father has a right to see/spend time with his children, if they don't they shouldn't complain about it. But he needs to be consistent for your DD's sake. Once you and DF marry, you might talk to a lawyer about having df legally adopt dd1. You might also mention this to your ex. Lay the FACTS out for him and tell him that she needs a father and here is a man willing to take on the job and if he doesn't want it then he needs to sign his rights over and be done with it.

Joined: 10/17/09
Posts: 631

You ladies would not believe the chances I have given him & his family to see DD1... I have bent over backwards to accomodate them in the past & it has always ended up a mess for DF & I... I swear, I've tried really hard to give them ample opportunities & they've chosen to not to care & not be active in her life... & ofcouse, I end being the crazy *****... Grrr!!!

momW's picture
Joined: 09/29/09
Posts: 5634

Have you ever given him the option to be completely free from support by signing over his rights to her?

Joined: 10/17/09
Posts: 631

I had mentioned it to him early on, and he told me that he would never give up his rights to his child - he wouldn't give me the satisfaction. However, he wrote an email to me in 2010 stating he wanted to go ahead w whatever paperwork was necessary to have him completely out of her life. I contacted my lawyer to see what the proceedure was & I was told that if this is what he wanted to let him do the leg work for it... so I let him know that & his wife wrote back saying nothing of the sort would be happening, that he was DD1's father & noone was going to take that away from him...

butterflykissesx6's picture
Joined: 06/28/07
Posts: 509

Where do I start.....your post hits really close to home for me. At current time....my ex owes me over $190k....yes, that's right $190k. We split and divorced in 1998. He saw the kids off/on over the first 2 years..it was very sporadic and there were many, many times that I'd sit...waiting at his parents and he'd never show up. I finally gave up....gave up trying to be the nice guy and make things easier.....yes, it is hard that she won't know/see her dad but you know what....that's HIS choice....he is doing this TO HER. Not you..... Eventually (like my oldest 2) my ex has made contact....my son knows what a POS he is and had to decide this for himself. I just found out he's been communicating through FB w/Melissa. I told her she will have to figure it out herself.....

I guess what I'm trying to say is I decided to quit communication 100% with him.....if he wanted to take me to court for not following the parenting plan, so be it....take me to court. Obviously it never happened.

I really am sorry your DD has to deal with this. I know it's not easy on you & her. :openarms:

GL - if you ever want to PM me.....I'm here for you!!!

momW's picture
Joined: 09/29/09
Posts: 5634

I'd ask him about it again to be honest. I know it's hard, I really do. I've dealt with a similar circumstance with DD1's dad. The future can go any number of ways, but if I were you, I'd push really hard for a termination of rights. If, in the future, he decides he wants to get to know her and straightens out his life, then cross that bridge when you get to it.

alwayssmile's picture
Joined: 08/26/07
Posts: 14483

I don't have any advice to offer, but I can offer lots of hugs. :grouphug:

redneckgirl82884's picture
Joined: 12/17/08
Posts: 955

I don't have much to add to this but what a JERK! :mad:
Love & hugs babe, I hope you can get something figured out soon for your sake and hers.

bonjour24's picture
Joined: 09/11/07
Posts: 12

FWIW, my neice's dad was as much use as a boob on an elbow.
she's always known he was her dad, though. i think you're treading on dangerous territory not telling her this now. if you just talk casually about it now, it won't be a massive issue when she's older. she's only 4- it won't be a massive deal if you just say it in an easy way.

then i'd just step back abit and let the ex dig his own hole. it won't take long for your daughter to realise that he doesn't do what he promises. then she can make her own decision not to see him. if you stand in the way of her seeing him, she may blame you for it later. because the parent that's not there is always the favourite!

she may get sad, but you can be there to give her a hug. just don't badmouth him infront of her. she really will need to come to this decision on her own. i'm not saying don't protect her- just be careful. my sister tried to protect my neice from her dad, and she got the blame for not letting him see her (when it was him who wouldn't agree to the supervised visits). she got blamed for chasing him away. then he wouldn't phone when he said he would, contact got sporadic and waxed and waned. this has been going on since my neice was 2. she's 12 now, and as well adjusted as a 12 year old can be. and she doesn't have the wonderful support of a father figure. but she made the choice when she was about 8 to not have anything to do with him. and she is still pleased that she reached that decision on her own. and my sister is not the bad guy- he is.

i hope it goes smoothly for you. i don't know much about rights, but he sounds like an arse and wouldn't give up his rights just to prove a point to you.

momW's picture
Joined: 09/29/09
Posts: 5634

"bonjour24" wrote:

FWIW, my neice's dad was as much use as a boob on an elbow.
she's always known he was her dad, though. i think you're treading on dangerous territory not telling her this now. if you just talk casually about it now, it won't be a massive issue when she's older. she's only 4- it won't be a massive deal if you just say it in an easy way.

then i'd just step back abit and let the ex dig his own hole. it won't take long for your daughter to realise that he doesn't do what he promises. then she can make her own decision not to see him. if you stand in the way of her seeing him, she may blame you for it later. because the parent that's not there is always the favourite!

she may get sad, but you can be there to give her a hug. just don't badmouth him infront of her. she really will need to come to this decision on her own. i'm not saying don't protect her- just be careful. my sister tried to protect my neice from her dad, and she got the blame for not letting him see her (when it was him who wouldn't agree to the supervised visits). she got blamed for chasing him away. then he wouldn't phone when he said he would, contact got sporadic and waxed and waned. this has been going on since my neice was 2. she's 12 now, and as well adjusted as a 12 year old can be. and she doesn't have the wonderful support of a father figure. but she made the choice when she was about 8 to not have anything to do with him. and she is still pleased that she reached that decision on her own. and my sister is not the bad guy- he is.

i hope it goes smoothly for you. i don't know much about rights, but he sounds like an arse and wouldn't give up his rights just to prove a point to you.

I can see the beauty in something like this as well. DD1's dad is currently neck deep in a hold he is digging all by himself. My dad dug his own hole with my brother and I as well so I'm no stranger to doing it this way.

I hope you are able to get some peace with all of this Stacy!

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