Need advice regarding siblings and jealousy XP

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nori_garsi's picture
Joined: 10/31/06
Posts: 2069
Need advice regarding siblings and jealousy XP

Brandon started PT at 3. He turns four next week. He got a late start but once he got it, he got it and was accident free almost the whole year. The last few weeks though he has had a few accidents. Then, he's had two accidents in the car (one was in a pull-up thankfully) in the last week, without ever telling me that he had to use the potty. One of those accidents was yesterday on the way to my parent's house. When we got here, my mom gave him a bath for me and he told me that he peed in his pants was because he was mad at me because the baby was more important and we loved the baby more than him.

We have tried so hard to make Brandon feel special and loved and we have tried to include him in everything. We even got him that big brother photo album which I thought would make him feel special. What can we do to help him know that he's just as important and loved as the baby?

kathjoy's picture
Joined: 01/22/07
Posts: 145

Not much more, your doing it all already! He could also be at the age of thinking of having an accident could get him in trouble so he is using the baby as an excuse to get out of trouble. Reality is, he is probably having fun and playing when he needs to use the potty (except in the car) and just doesn't want to stop playing to use the potty. heck I have 5yo old daycare kids that do that still! Is he watching a movie in the car? Sometimes they don't want to miss a favorite part of the movie so they don't say anything. Our almost 4yo's are very smart and are catching on that they can get themselves out of what they think may be trouble. I also wonder if using pull ups is confusing him? he had an accident in a pull up, and one not in one... did he forget he wasn't wearing one? You may want to say bye bye to the pull ups during the day and keep him strictly in underwear.

nori_garsi's picture
Joined: 10/31/06
Posts: 2069

Thanks Kathleen. He's currently only in pull-ups at night. My mom put him in a pull-up last week for the long drive...I don't usually do it but she does. I try not to use them during the day because I know he gets a little lazy and forgets to go.

elizamommy's picture
Joined: 04/07/10
Posts: 84

I would say just to make sure there are special times just for him. Take him places and do special things with him. After the baby comes, get a sling or pouch and carry the baby around while you nurse or he sleeps and you can also read to Brandon or watch a movie with him. That way, he and the baby get attention. You might also do special things with just him after the baby is a few weeks old and can be away from you for an hour or so.

Keep reminding Brandon that he is your #1 boy and always will be the first.

Fawn's picture
Joined: 12/07/06
Posts: 141

Smile

capricornchrissy's picture
Joined: 06/20/06
Posts: 205

I'm sure you are doing all that you can, Lenora. There may be a few adjustment issues no matter what you do. Maybe just be sure to praise him and give him lots of attention for being a big boy and going in the potty. Tell him how proud you are of him, that sort of thing.

Joined: 11/28/06
Posts: 848

I had the same concerns when I found out I was having 2 girls. I decided to throw a Big Sister Party for Alana to make her feel a little extra special. We invited close family members to her favorite restaurant and let her announce the baby's gender. We gave her a beautiful gold chain with a cross and called it "her big girl necklace." Most people brought her gifts that were only for "big girls." I think the whole thing made her feel really grown up and helped her realize her place in the family.

If it makes you feel any better, most of the things I was so concerned about never ended up happening. Madison doesn't live in Alana's shadow (far from it actually, lol) and they don't compete for the spotlight. They're both equally beautiful in my eyes and special in their own ways.

Joined: 01/28/03
Posts: 105

I know you are about half way through the pregnancy, and showing of course, but maybe just a few weeks of no talk of the baby around Brandon might make a difference. I did that with both of mine knowing that once the next baby came it would be in their faces all the time with no escape from it Wink So I did things for the new baby without much comment or fuss, and really tried to focus on them. And I never made it a point that I was doing something with them because of the baby, just cause I wanted to. Of course as the time got closer, we talked more about it, but still, not a HUGE focus on it. I'd also not make a big deal out of the accidents since reaction is probably what he's looking for.

Good luck! It'll work out fine:)

esti1423's picture
Joined: 01/28/03
Posts: 302

I'm with Holly. Even now, I try not to mention the baby too much to Benny depending on his mood. And I really make it a point never to say I can't do something because of the baby - like if he's asking for a drink and I'm feeding the baby, I'll try to somehow direct him elsewhere. Worst case, I tell him to take a juice box from the pantry, though they are really strictly for school and outings. Yesterday I kept him home from preschool and just spent that time hanging out with him. We played candyland, made pancakes and decorated them, read books, etc. It was tough not to limit us because of the baby, but I made it work. I think at this age they're not really jealous and they love their new siblings (more than I thought he would!), but they just need to know their world is not going to change and they still have their special bond with you.

nori_garsi's picture
Joined: 10/31/06
Posts: 2069

Thanks for all the advice ladies. The last few days I've tried not to bring up the baby to him and things seem to have gotten a bit better so maybe I'll just stick with not bringing the baby up for a while and see how that goes.

elizamommy's picture
Joined: 04/07/10
Posts: 84

I don't know how to do this, but I think also not making Brandon your whole universe is a good idea. My mil made dh her whole universe when he was a baby and when his sister arrived (he was 2) he did not like her at all. He did not like sharing his mom, he fought with his mom whenever she tried to care for the baby. He was the center of her world for those two years and he did not like the surprise.

Not saying you are doing this, but I just wanted to share.

I tried to make sure Paulina was loved and attached (she still coslept until Eliza was born when she was 4) but not the center of my universe. She was in preschool and had playdates and did daddy dates. I think that helped a lot, too. So, she had a bit of independence from me, while we were still very much attached.

Holly and Esti have great advice!

Joined: 10/17/09
Posts: 631

I understand exactly what you are going through!! Brooke was fantastic during my pregnancy, she was amazing with everything, but now that we're 6 going on 7months into Sophie being here, things are starting to change. Brooke is having a hard time sleeping at night, and is up more than the baby. She's starting to have accidents again, and her volume control is near null and void. I don't know if it's because she's been couped all winter and she's gone a bit stir crazy or if this is her way of showing her jealousy; but it really sucks. She's really good w Sophie, tho we have to explain, she's a real baby with real needs and not a doll that you can toss around and forget about... but she's really loving and likes to help & play w her... But Brooke SCREAMS all the time; and it's a screechy kinda scream. Like if she wants milk, she screams it. If she wants a different tv show on, she screams it. Or if she's walking around the house she'll sing/scream opera (lol) and it DRIVES ME CRAZY! She does it all the time, and no matter what we do to make her stop, it makes it worse. I don't know if she just wants the attention or what... but I've got no idea how to make her stop!!

Bah, I'm totally hijacking your thread! Sorry!! I kinda just wanted to let you know that I understand where you're coming from... tho I might have scared you thinking of the possibility of what's to come!! LOL!!

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