Becca convinced me (PPD ment.)

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Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455
Becca convinced me (PPD ment.)

Okay, so I'm typing up whats going on with me. not so that you all can read it and pitty me or whatever, but so that I can come to grips with reality and move forward.

I'm suffering from mild to moderate post partum depression. my doctor is aware of it, but I chose not to go on medication and try other methods of getting over it. I am attempting to maintain an open line of communication with my husband and mom (they keep me in check), I'm exercising on a regular basis now, and I'm passing the buck off when I simply can't handle the kids.

I've got quite a bit of stress going on right now.

My 7 year old is struggling in school (he has ADD but the doctor that the school recommended for eval doesn't think he needs to be evaluated) and I'm having to put up with him lying to me and his teacher and leaving homework on the bus intentionally or throwing it in the garbage can outside before walking in the door. We've taken his right to ride the bus away from him, so now I have the added responsibility of having to get the baby and the 2 year old in the car and to the school every day, right in the middle of a potential nap for the 2 year old. The 7 year old is having difficulty completing his homework because of the ADD and whenever I try to work with him to complete it all I get is "I don't know!" and tears. The guy at the school in charge of setting up and following IEP's (individualized educational plans) is thinking we can go around the doctor to get him the help he needs and we are working on setting up a meeting with the proper people for that. DH doesn't think that DS has ADD and that all he needs is a tutor. If I could find a tutor who specializes in dealing with ADD kids and who wouldn't mind leaving DH out of the ADD loop, then I'd go for that because it's less stress on me, but we live in a VERY small area and tutors are hard to come by unless you have an IEP set up.

My 2.5 year old... He's been showing Autistic signs and symptoms since he was very young. He's been behind in communication (6 months to a year behind) and has obvious OCD issues. We are working with a state program called Early Childhood Intervention (ECI) because the ped recommended us for evaluation and they showed us that we qualify for "services" for free because of his delays. He now has a "teacher" who comes into our home 2x each month and he also has a speech pathologist who comes into our home a couple of times each month. Since I've joined the gym, he's started having social regressions and having major meltdowns when I try to drop him off at the nursery at church or at the gym. He's also started having meltdowns whenever we need to go somewhere (a big issue for when it comes time to pick up DS#1 from school in the afternoon), or even whenever I try to change his activity. He's waking up at night again. He's very rarely slept all the way through the night, but we had started having nights a few times each week where he actually did sleep all night. The issue now is, either he's awake and scared cause no one else is.. or he's having night terrors and screams and yells and cries and shakes and quivers in fear, but he's actually asleep. Either way, he's waking us up more than Evie is.

Evie. Well, Evie is a baby. She needs attention much like every other baby does. She's pooping pretty much every day, and every day that she doesn't, or only poops a little, I'm worried she's stopping again. She's still eating (or acting REALLY hungry) 2-3 hours around the clock. She sleeps with us in the bed so that I don't have to move much to feed her. We've finally achieved success with latching in the laying down position, so that's good. But, throughout the day, she'll act like I'm empty when I'm not. Or at least I don't think I am. My forceful let down gags her at every feed, but within minutes after the let down is over, she starts getting fussy like nothing is coming out. I try to use compression to force some into her mouth thinking she'll taste it and start sucking, but she doesn't even try. It's like she's mad because the nipple doesn't maintain shape inside her mouth. Perhaps she just really wants the pacifier? :confused:

DH. Well, DH is stressed and exhausted too. He's at a loss of what to do with our boys and their individual "special" needs that he's in denial about. He's gone just about every Saturday doing something else for his own enjoyment and leaving me behind with 3 kids. Last Saturday he went and hiked Mt. McLaughlin with a buddy. It is a 2 hour drive away and it took them 6 hours total to hike up to the top and back down again. When he arrived back home he could barely walk inside the door because he was so sore from the hike. I was attempting to carve pumpkins with the 7 year old while the 2 year old was playing video games and DEMANDING assistance. I had to stop frequently to take care of Evie as well. The pumpkins were horrible pumpkins and didn't clean out very easily. Then I messed up with the actual carving. The boys wanted spongebob and patrick for their pumkins cause that's what they were dressing as for Halloween. It took me 6 hours to do the pumpkins cause the 7 year old gave up and I was doing them by myself with no help from DH cause he was crashed on the couch getting pissed off that I was spending more time on the pumkins that with him. :angry5:

Saturday evening, when DH and I went to bed, he was still hung up on the pumpkins and when I was falling asleep (couldn't keep my eyes open) he was b*tching about me ignoring him just like I always do "with facebook and that forum thing you're so addicted to". Sad

DS#2 woke us up a few times in the middle of that night and then he and DS#1 were yelling and screaming at each other before the sun was even up for the day. DH was SOO pissed off that he took the gameboy away from the 2 year old and threatened to go take it outside and shoot it with his gun if he didn't stop crying. :eek: Then when I was trying to make coffee, the sink backed up. See, after I had finished the pumpkins, I was trying to get the seeds from the guts so that I could roast them for DH (he likes them). I decided to feed some of the guts to the disposal a little bit at a time and running it for a few minutes in between. It seemed to be just fine, until Sunday morning. This made DH even more livid.

I got the kids ready real fast and left. I decided to try and go to church without him. Well, DS#2 had a meltdown when I tried to just walk him into the nursery (he wouldn't even go in the door) while DS#1 wouldn't LEAVE the nursery. I left Evie in the nursery and took the boys into the sanctuary for worship. DS#1 "it's too loud" DS#2 "look mom! Wow!" every time the words on the overhead screen changed. I couldn't handle it emotionally, so instead of sobbing like a baby and making every one concerned, I left. I went to my mom's to cry.

I'm gonna stop there. DH and I are working things out. He's calmed down a bit and I am trying to get a sitter so we can have some alone time, but with Evie wanting to eat every 2 hours maximum in the evening, it's kinda hard. I'm not wanting to give her a bottle yet, even if it is EBM. I feel like that's giving up for some reason. :confused:

Okay, so that's that. I need to go get DS#2 some more milk before he starts hitting me (another thing he's been doing).

And for the record, DH does NOT physically abuse me or the boys. He can get stressed at times and verbally says things that could be considered abusive, but it's rare anymore and we always work it out. Please don't bash on him. Please don't be worried for our safety.

Thanks for letting me get that all out.

Joined: 03/06/09
Posts: 1054

:bigarmhug: I am sorry things are so stressful for you right now. Keep writing and talking about it. I'll keep you in my prayers. Going from two to three kids was very hard for us. I hope things get better for you quickly!

Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

:bigarmhug: Janelle you have a lot going on right now. My only suggestion is to start Evie on a bottle (of pumped milk) just to give yourself the option of having a break. I know that can create it's own problem because then you have to find time to pump Smile

Can you see a different specialist for your older son? Maybe a tutor would help just in the meantime so there is someone giving him 1-1 attention while he does his homework and that person is not a parent because sometimes that makes a difference.

WonderWomanExtrodinare's picture
Joined: 05/26/07
Posts: 1192

Oh no, I suspected something was up. I, too went through a horrible bout of PPD after the birth of my daughter (my second child) and went on medication which I remained on until I started TTC Alex. I, too was under a lot of stress... my grandfather was sick and dying and then passed away, my step-son came to live with us two days after my daughter's birth, unexpectedly, we were not prepared in the least and his mother did nothing to help us prepare (she sent no clothes, coat, toys... nothing), it was a HARD adjustment for me filled with guilt from not being able to be there for my newborn, my son having not one but two siblings come home to live with us making him go from an only child to the middle child, and of-course, guilt in not being able to make the adjustment for my step-son easier on him. I think GUILT plays a HUGE role in how we adjust PP and it sounds like you have many things that are making you feel guilty b/c you are only one person and can't give it your full attention. You are doing the right thing by getting it out and in the open and we are here to listen (or read). Smile Perhaps Evie is used to the forceful let-down and fast flow after it and doesn't want to have to "work" for her milk???

Jessica.'s picture
Joined: 02/02/09
Posts: 424

"WonderWomanExtrodinare" wrote:

Perhaps Evie is used to the forceful let-down and fast flow after it and doesn't want to have to "work" for her milk???

I've found that to be true of Ben! And I will say its nice to let my hubby feed Ben with the EBM. Gives me a little "freedom" & helps my hubby be close with his son!

Sounds like your going trough a tough time. I hope it works itself out soon for you. Its good you shared that though I bet allot of moms on here are experiencing some of what your going through and its always good to know your not alone.

And I do want to say Bravo for the pumpkin carving, I was tooo lazy this year and new it would be mostly me cleaning up the mess, so we skipped it. But now I wish we would have... so you GO GIRL!

squirrel27's picture
Joined: 05/13/08
Posts: 781

Wow, the things you are dealing with with the 2 older kids are stressful enough, never mind the fact that you have a newborn on top of it! :bighug: Sorry you have so much on your plate. Please keep talking and updating us, it really helps!

Lots of T&Ps for you, I dont have a lot of advice, but I truly believe God only gives us as much as we can handle. Sometimes we may not think we can handle it, but God knows we can. Hang in there and take all the support you can from family, friends, and professionals.

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

"WonderWomanExtrodinare" wrote:

Perhaps Evie is used to the forceful let-down and fast flow after it and doesn't want to have to "work" for her milk???

This is what DH is saying. She's lazy cause of my "force feeding" her. :rolleyes:

we also have thrush for the third time since 4 weeks old. She'll be 10 weeks on Monday. :confused:

So yesterday I went and took all 3 kids to the gym and Daniel willingly and happily went into the nursery. I had a much better work out because of that! Yahoo I hope that continues.

VCoates's picture
Joined: 05/22/07
Posts: 1055

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hugs!!! I agree, try to get DH to give her a bottle of EBM to give you some time to yourself. Do you have family in town you can take the kdis to one night for a date night?

Hopefully you can get some answers for both your boys. KUP!! We are all here for you!

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

I need to get a little "happier" before I can pump for her. Right now I feel like if I pump and give her a bottle (even my own milk) that I'm giving up. I know it's not true, but right now I feel like there will be no going back from that for some reason. :confused: I do have my folks in town, but they are unreliable and very difficult to pin down for sitting, even though they ALWAYS offer it.

My sis and I have told each other we will be our sitters and alternate, but she's a manager for a retail store and it's officially no vacation and rare days off season for her.

It will work out.

Joined: 12/21/10
Posts: 529

I will be thinking of you. I am sorry I have no advise that has not been offered already but please, please continue to share as it does help.

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

got some much needed alone time with Evie today. I'm starting to come down with a cold, so I confined myself and Evie to the bed for most of the afternoon and evening and gave DH the responsibility of the boys. We had a lot of easy nursing access cuddles and I got some rest.

she pooped a shale green color today (did this at some point last week or the week before, too.). Does this mean too much foremilk? I'm confused by this cause she was latched on practically all night two nights ago. It seemed kinda like she had real painful gas before passing it, too. :confused:

I'm not worried about it cause she had it a while back, but I'm just curious about it.

Really missing cheese and pizza right now. Two of my comfort foods. Since she doesn't poop when I have dairy (several days in a row of no pooping.. longest being 15 days) I have been dairy free for 5 weeks now. I can't believe it's been that long. And I'm so dairy free that I dissect every label and menu for even the slightest bit of dairy product. But I miss cheese and pizza. I made spaghetti today in hopes that it would curb the craving for pizza.. and I sprinkled basil on it instead of parmesan. It was okay... but I still want pizza. Lol

Joined: 12/21/10
Posts: 529

I am glad you girls got some alone time!! I do not know what the green poop is but Lily has gotten it a few times as well.

I hope you continue to feel a bit better each day.

If nothing else, please know that we are all thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way!!

Chris_85's picture
Joined: 10/14/08
Posts: 675

Just wnated to say I am so glas the rest of the ladies here have been able to be so kind and thougthfull. not wanting to take away from anyone eleses thread. i am having issues too. so :bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug:

I also heard that not enough hindmilk is what causes green poo, try and get a good long nurse on one side before offering the second, like 15 min or so.

I was also told not to worry about the pooping as long as bay has one good one within 7 days, I do realize you said it has been 15 before so I would say once you start getting yellow agian it will be better.

Joined: 03/06/09
Posts: 1054

Hope things are getting better for you! Thinking of you :bigarmhug:

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

Thanks again ladies.

just a slight update.

things were looking a lot better, and then the hospital sent us to collections for our payment plan that I worked really hard to get and worked hard to get them to take 60% off and lower our monthly amount to $50. Then I worked hard to get them to take 80% off... then somehow through all of that work I neglected to actually PAY them. :confused: You see, pay day would roll around and they'd be on my to do list to call and pay. I had to CALL and pay because every new bill that comes in can be applied to the payment plan, but you have to call and request it with EACH new bill. So here's how it'd go. I'd forget to call on payday. Since payday is always a Friday, I'd struggle to remember to call on Monday. I'd usually remember by Wednesday, and I'd call during their operating hours, and get their machine. I'd leave a voicemail and they'd forget to call me back. But since I actually CALLED them, my brain scratched that off the to do list. Then I'd remember that they NEVER called me back and I NEVER actually paid them.. but sadly we were out of money again until next pay check. repeat.

So they sent us to collections, but I got really lucky and the amount that started off as over $3,000 was now only $685 because of all the discounts I worked really hard to get.

However, when I called DH to explain what happened and apologize for putting us in the crapper financially (our bankruptcy is due to come off our credit as it's been 7 years now)... he heard me say $6,000 and not $600 and he became VERY upset. He even texted me saying that this may cost him his job. He jumped to worst case scenario immediately that we would not be able to pay the collections agency as they haven't worked well with us in the past, and they'd "sue" us, his wages would be garnished and his company would fire him because of the policy they have that if you are being garnished for non-payment on a legitimate debt... blah blah blah.

Me feeling how upset he was over this and realizing that it was obviously my fault as that bill was MY responsibility (I take care of the medical, and just tell him how much I need to pay each month and he takes care of all the others because they don't require follow up).......... I jumped to worst case scenario in my head and assumed my marriage was over. I took the kids and went over to a friend's house because I didn't want to be home when he got home from work.

At his request, I came home at the boys' bed time. I put them down to bed and DH and I started to talk. When I verified that it is only $685 that went to collections, he had a huge sigh of relief. We both apologized for our misunderstandings and blowing them out of proportions and whatnot. Our marriage is not over. I have abandonment issues and they always come up when we are out of money over some petty little thing I bought that I didn't need. And they especially come up when I'm depressed and don't see myself as any worth. He assured me that it's all in my head and he would never leave me over money issues. "For better or worse."

We have 30 days from last Thursday (the 10th) to pay it off if we want it to stay off our credit. My grandpa is sending us $600 to make it easier on us. God bless that man!

It's a good thing this all happened on Monday and that we resolved it on Monday cause on Tuesday my 7 year old got into a fight at school and some other gender related instances typical at this age (you show me yours...) and he got written up and got in-school suspension. And my 2 year old has been having meltdown after meltdown after meltdown........... at least 3 just today.

If all the money issues hadn't come up on Monday and DH expressing his need for me and reminding that i'm not a complete failure that evening.. then I'd not have been able to handle the boys with as much patience as I have been since.

Tonight I attempted to cook dinner and I was reminded why I don't cook dinner hardly ever. DH was at martial arts this evening, so it was me trying to cook and keep the boys off of each other (hitting and screaming) and soothing a crying baby who was acting hungry but was fussy at the breast.......... I made a huge mess, but I'm not sitting here crying. I'm thanking the good Lord for the food to cook with and the somewhat success of the recipe I attempted regardless of a few missing ingredients and it being flung all around my stove when I tried to stir it...........

Alright, I have put off bed time for the boys long enough. I had hoped that DH would return in time to do that for me as my patience is just about gone for the evening and they are REALLY rambunctious tonight... but bed time was 30 minutes ago... so off to do that, then feed the baby and have a wine cooler.

Good night!

Minx_Kristi's picture
Joined: 01/02/09
Posts: 1261

* lurker

Oh Janelle, I am so sorry you have having to deal with all of this. No-one would bash DH, we ALL know how stressful having kids can be and I am sure we've all said stuff in the heat of the moment! I know I have threatened to chuck DD out of the window before Wink

I hope your week gets better and I will be keeping you in my thoughts! Remember, it's better out than in Smile

xx

Joined: 12/21/10
Posts: 529

I have nothing to offer (yet again) but to say that I am thinking of you and I hope things get better soon.

squirrel27's picture
Joined: 05/13/08
Posts: 781

"Minx_Kristi" wrote:

No-one would bash DH, we ALL know how stressful having kids can be and I am sure we've all said stuff in the heat of the moment! I know I have threatened to chuck DD out of the window before Wink

LOL!
I know someone who jokes about tying her 3yr old to the bottom rack of the shopping cart when they do groceries.... and some days I think its a great idea! LOL

of course we'd never do it, but you need to vent somehow! lol

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

Just checking in:

I'm doing okay.

last week was kinda difficult for me. DS's Speech Pathologist brought up Asperger's as part of my 2 year old's quirks and I have to agree. DH, though, doesn't understand mental or psychological issues and it's not going to be easy to convince him.

On top of it, I wasn't very good at taking my pills a while back and I started having symptoms of pregnancy the last few weeks. I was ignoring them because at about 4 months of age of both my boys I thought I was pregnant and I obviously wasn't.. but early in this week I had some symptoms that I vary RARELY have when not pregnant. It's only gotten worse this week and I am having a difficult time determining what could be stress, what could be simply missing my pill and what's what in my world right now.

DH and I both decided we were done having babies during Evie's pregnancy. But (due to financial issues) I am on the mini-pill and exclusively bfing instead of DH getting his big V.

I know a good handfull of women who got pregnant while on the mini-pill and exclusively bfing and they all happened around this point in their baby's age. I'm paranoid and I told DH that a few weeks back and I've been pushing for him to get fixed.

I have an appointment on Monday to have a pregnancy check and switch birth control if the stick is negative. I can't be on a pill that I can't take at the same time everyday anymore. And I need to be on something I trust.

With both the boys I didn't get 1PPAF until they were 8 months old, so I'm crossing my fingers that I'm just all around messed up and not knocked up.. but the vivid dreams are really making me feel hopeless on that one (not to mention all of the other 20 symptoms--maybe not that MANY but sure seems like it). :confused:

I will let you all know how my appointment goes on Monday.

I wish I could go track my symptoms, but being over at the in-laws and only my forum pps knowing about my suspicion and us supposed to be done and ......... the only computer is in the living room where everyone can see it. Thankfully this text is too small for anyone to read from their seats, but the symptom checking might be obvious. lol

Joined: 12/21/10
Posts: 529

Good luck & be sure to keep us posted.

squirrel27's picture
Joined: 05/13/08
Posts: 781

Oh man! I hope things work out for you the way you want them to. (sounds like you want a negative test?) I cant imagine being pg at this point either... but if its meant to be its the way it is.
KUP! Sorry you have all the stress right now! :bighug: The Aspergers might explain some things - its important to look into. Getting him help now (if he has it) will make the world of difference for all of you. GL hun!

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

here's a list of my symptoms:

http://www.pregnancy.org/bulletinboards/showthread.php?t=684387

Marilyn. Yes, you are so right. The good news is that he is already in speech and occupational therapy and that wouldn't change with the diagnosis, only that he might get it more frequently than he already gets it. Even without the diagnosis, he will be going to school in January as soon as he is 3 years old as part of the "assistance" that he already qualifies for because he is delayed in 2 or more areas of development.

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

ETA: urine test at doc's office was negative. Got the depo shot before leaving.