Okay, so I'm typing up whats going on with me. not so that you all can read it and pitty me or whatever, but so that I can come to grips with reality and move forward.
I'm suffering from mild to moderate post partum depression. my doctor is aware of it, but I chose not to go on medication and try other methods of getting over it. I am attempting to maintain an open line of communication with my husband and mom (they keep me in check), I'm exercising on a regular basis now, and I'm passing the buck off when I simply can't handle the kids.
I've got quite a bit of stress going on right now.
My 7 year old is struggling in school (he has ADD but the doctor that the school recommended for eval doesn't think he needs to be evaluated) and I'm having to put up with him lying to me and his teacher and leaving homework on the bus intentionally or throwing it in the garbage can outside before walking in the door. We've taken his right to ride the bus away from him, so now I have the added responsibility of having to get the baby and the 2 year old in the car and to the school every day, right in the middle of a potential nap for the 2 year old. The 7 year old is having difficulty completing his homework because of the ADD and whenever I try to work with him to complete it all I get is "I don't know!" and tears. The guy at the school in charge of setting up and following IEP's (individualized educational plans) is thinking we can go around the doctor to get him the help he needs and we are working on setting up a meeting with the proper people for that. DH doesn't think that DS has ADD and that all he needs is a tutor. If I could find a tutor who specializes in dealing with ADD kids and who wouldn't mind leaving DH out of the ADD loop, then I'd go for that because it's less stress on me, but we live in a VERY small area and tutors are hard to come by unless you have an IEP set up.
My 2.5 year old... He's been showing Autistic signs and symptoms since he was very young. He's been behind in communication (6 months to a year behind) and has obvious OCD issues. We are working with a state program called Early Childhood Intervention (ECI) because the ped recommended us for evaluation and they showed us that we qualify for "services" for free because of his delays. He now has a "teacher" who comes into our home 2x each month and he also has a speech pathologist who comes into our home a couple of times each month. Since I've joined the gym, he's started having social regressions and having major meltdowns when I try to drop him off at the nursery at church or at the gym. He's also started having meltdowns whenever we need to go somewhere (a big issue for when it comes time to pick up DS#1 from school in the afternoon), or even whenever I try to change his activity. He's waking up at night again. He's very rarely slept all the way through the night, but we had started having nights a few times each week where he actually did sleep all night. The issue now is, either he's awake and scared cause no one else is.. or he's having night terrors and screams and yells and cries and shakes and quivers in fear, but he's actually asleep. Either way, he's waking us up more than Evie is.
Evie. Well, Evie is a baby. She needs attention much like every other baby does. She's pooping pretty much every day, and every day that she doesn't, or only poops a little, I'm worried she's stopping again. She's still eating (or acting REALLY hungry) 2-3 hours around the clock. She sleeps with us in the bed so that I don't have to move much to feed her. We've finally achieved success with latching in the laying down position, so that's good. But, throughout the day, she'll act like I'm empty when I'm not. Or at least I don't think I am. My forceful let down gags her at every feed, but within minutes after the let down is over, she starts getting fussy like nothing is coming out. I try to use compression to force some into her mouth thinking she'll taste it and start sucking, but she doesn't even try. It's like she's mad because the nipple doesn't maintain shape inside her mouth. Perhaps she just really wants the pacifier? :confused:
DH. Well, DH is stressed and exhausted too. He's at a loss of what to do with our boys and their individual "special" needs that he's in denial about. He's gone just about every Saturday doing something else for his own enjoyment and leaving me behind with 3 kids. Last Saturday he went and hiked Mt. McLaughlin with a buddy. It is a 2 hour drive away and it took them 6 hours total to hike up to the top and back down again. When he arrived back home he could barely walk inside the door because he was so sore from the hike. I was attempting to carve pumpkins with the 7 year old while the 2 year old was playing video games and DEMANDING assistance. I had to stop frequently to take care of Evie as well. The pumpkins were horrible pumpkins and didn't clean out very easily. Then I messed up with the actual carving. The boys wanted spongebob and patrick for their pumkins cause that's what they were dressing as for Halloween. It took me 6 hours to do the pumpkins cause the 7 year old gave up and I was doing them by myself with no help from DH cause he was crashed on the couch getting pissed off that I was spending more time on the pumkins that with him. :angry5:
Saturday evening, when DH and I went to bed, he was still hung up on the pumpkins and when I was falling asleep (couldn't keep my eyes open) he was b*tching about me ignoring him just like I always do "with facebook and that forum thing you're so addicted to".
DS#2 woke us up a few times in the middle of that night and then he and DS#1 were yelling and screaming at each other before the sun was even up for the day. DH was SOO pissed off that he took the gameboy away from the 2 year old and threatened to go take it outside and shoot it with his gun if he didn't stop crying. :eek: Then when I was trying to make coffee, the sink backed up. See, after I had finished the pumpkins, I was trying to get the seeds from the guts so that I could roast them for DH (he likes them). I decided to feed some of the guts to the disposal a little bit at a time and running it for a few minutes in between. It seemed to be just fine, until Sunday morning. This made DH even more livid.
I got the kids ready real fast and left. I decided to try and go to church without him. Well, DS#2 had a meltdown when I tried to just walk him into the nursery (he wouldn't even go in the door) while DS#1 wouldn't LEAVE the nursery. I left Evie in the nursery and took the boys into the sanctuary for worship. DS#1 "it's too loud" DS#2 "look mom! Wow!" every time the words on the overhead screen changed. I couldn't handle it emotionally, so instead of sobbing like a baby and making every one concerned, I left. I went to my mom's to cry.
I'm gonna stop there. DH and I are working things out. He's calmed down a bit and I am trying to get a sitter so we can have some alone time, but with Evie wanting to eat every 2 hours maximum in the evening, it's kinda hard. I'm not wanting to give her a bottle yet, even if it is EBM. I feel like that's giving up for some reason. :confused:
Okay, so that's that. I need to go get DS#2 some more milk before he starts hitting me (another thing he's been doing).
And for the record, DH does NOT physically abuse me or the boys. He can get stressed at times and verbally says things that could be considered abusive, but it's rare anymore and we always work it out. Please don't bash on him. Please don't be worried for our safety.
Thanks for letting me get that all out.