Expanding the family...

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squirrel27's picture
Joined: 05/13/08
Posts: 781
Expanding the family...

I guess I'm having a bit of a hormonal day/night.

Tonight I was sitting on the couch, DS was snuggled in under my arm watching one of his shows and I was enjoying our quiet time so much! I've been stressed and things have been hectic around here, so it was nice for some down time snuggling with him.

Anyway, it got me sentimental and a bit teary thinking about how this will all change and it'll no longer just be the 3 of us (he is the center of our world) and I dont know how I'll handle the change/adjustment, never mind how HE will handle it! And then I feel bad/guilty about it. Which is funny, because I've always wanted a bigger family (hopefully a 3rd child in the future if all goes well) and as much as I really want this and am excited for another baby I'm also sad about changing DS's little world.
Its also a bit foreign to me since I'm an only child, so I dont even know what its like to be in a "more than 1 kid" family, never mind knowing how to parent one!!!

For the Moms expecting #3 or more - how do you do it?! I know I'll figure it out and everything will be fine, but how do you deal with all the emotions? I know I'll love this new LO, and I know I'll still love DS, but right now I'm so unsure as to HOW. lol... I guess its kinda like not being able to imagine life without kids?!

For moms expecting #2 - do you feel the same?!

And for those FTMs who are feeling unsure about having a new baby around, don't worry, it doesnt get any easier the 2nd time around!!! You're not alone. Wink

Edit - after thought...
As the time gets closer to having this baby, I'm getting more hormonal. Ack. How Will I survive the next 8 days? lol ... Oh speaking of, we painted the first coat of the nursery today. My advice for future, dont leave the nursery to the last 8 days before baby comes. Its stressful. LOL

VCoates's picture
Joined: 05/22/07
Posts: 1055

OMGoodness, you have put into words exactly how I have been feeling!! I look at DS and I think "I love you so much, how will I love another as much as I love you?" I know it will happen, I really do, I just can't imagine it right now. I'm sad about it not being just the 3 of us anymore but then again I know how much joy and happiness having a sibling can bring. I have an older brother and I couldn't imagine my life without him.

Seriously, I have been feeling this way for awhile now. It gets worse when DS and I are snuggling or he's being particularly loving towards me, which for an almost 4 year old isn't very often. He's super excited about having a baby brother.

kilahmaree's picture
Joined: 08/28/09
Posts: 951

I feel this way too! It's so hard. Some days I'm so excited that there will be another baby, and then other days I'm like "What am I doing to Halloway? How will she handle this!?"

And I think what makes it even harder, is everyone always says what a blessing it is to give your kids siblings, but I only think that is half true. I have 6 siblings, and I'm only close to 1. Yes, I love them, but I have virtually no relationship with them - both as children and now as adults. So yes, if H and this baby are close, it's great. But it could honestly just be a person who takes away from her, and that worries me.

Sorry to be even more Debbie Downer.

WonderWomanExtrodinare's picture
Joined: 05/26/07
Posts: 1192

I had the same feelings when I was expecting my second-- a friend passed this little read along to me and it summed up how I felt and made me feel a little better-- and it really is true!

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you.I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't".Knowing in fact that I never can again.You cry, I cry with you.I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty.I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you.But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine.The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.There are new times-- only now we are three.I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long.I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.And my question is finally answered to my amazement.Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love.There's enough of that for the both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.

---Author Unknown

And now, Zach and Zoey are best friends (seriously, I know a lot of parents say that but they are truely BEST friends!) and I know they are going to be best friends with this baby, too-- this baby is so much younger than them, they are prolly going to be quite protective. Smile

bumblybees's picture
Joined: 03/24/10
Posts: 559

its just an amazing feeling when you see your first look at the 2nd with wonder and amazement. its like your heart just grows double all the sudden. its not easy but you do figure it out how to balance.
some tips: when your 1st comes to the hospital make sure the new baby is in the bassinet so that the 1st sees your arms open and available to him. gives them reasurance.
then introduce baby to sibling. and if you can have early have the big sibling pick out a gift for the baby (we went to build a bear and had DS1 build a bunny for the baby).
we also when we got home gave a gift from teh baby to DS1. it worked well.

we also started doing "date night" with DS1 at about DS2 6-9 months of age (ie when i was willing to leave the baby alone for a few hours). so that he had some alone time with both of us.

hugs....its all normal. and i've felt the same way with DS2 and this new baby.

isuche02's picture
Joined: 10/08/08
Posts: 1122

"WonderWomanExtrodinare" wrote:

I had the same feelings when I was expecting my second-- a friend passed this little read along to me and it summed up how I felt and made me feel a little better-- and it really is true!

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you.I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't".Knowing in fact that I never can again.You cry, I cry with you.I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty.I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you.But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine.The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.There are new times-- only now we are three.I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long.I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.And my question is finally answered to my amazement.Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love.There's enough of that for the both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.

---Author Unknown

And now, Zach and Zoey are best friends (seriously, I know a lot of parents say that but they are truely BEST friends!) and I know they are going to be best friends with this baby, too-- this baby is so much younger than them, they are prolly going to be quite protective. Smile

This made me cry. I really only wanted a second child so DD would never have to be alone if something happened to DH and I but I am saddened by the thought of having her go through this adjustment phase. I love our time together right now and I feel guilty about making her share it in the future.

squirrel27's picture
Joined: 05/13/08
Posts: 781

Thank you ladies!!!! Your words of advice really help.

Becca - I CRIED reading that. I can see how it will be true though. Thanks for sharing it with me!

Veronica and Kilah and Jennie, I've been feeling like this a while too, just hard to express it.

Bumblybees - Thanks for the tips! I had already thought about making sure baby is not in my arms when he comes in. I will definitely do that. Don't want him to feel he has been replaced. Also the gift is a good idea - I had thought of getting one for DS from baby, but not of getting one to baby from DS. Thats a good idea too. Smile

Thanks again all! :bighug:

jaimers617's picture
Joined: 10/30/09
Posts: 333

I'm absolutely right there with all you ladies! Apparently I'm overly emotional too, Becca - seriously still tearing up over what you wrote...I couldn't even read all of it (I'm at work pretty much crying). I feel SUPER guilty about the whole situation, especially now since its just SO close! I had a couple thoughts in the past couple months, but they didnt' linger since it was still so far away. Now that its closer, I'm really getting emotional over it. I'm definitely going to take those tips and put them to use...I never would've even thought about not holding the baby when our little guy came to visit! Great idea!

WonderWomanExtrodinare's picture
Joined: 05/26/07
Posts: 1192

Awww... I didn't mean to make ya'll cry but it really is true! Some kids, the adjustment is easier and faster, with others, it may take awhile. It took my DS about a month I'd say-- he and Zoey are 19 months apart so he was very much still my baby, too. But I'm telling you, they are sooo close now! They do everything together, even though he's a boy and she's a girl-- she can play Batman just as well as he can play tea party! It melts my heart seeing them look out for one another, kissing one another's boo-boos, standing up for one another, bragging about "My brother can do this..." "My sister can do this..."... and it starts early! LOL, both of them are already saying, "Alex is gonna be the sweetest baby-- we are just gonna smell him up our nose." (LOL, this came from a conversation we had on how good babies smell.) And now, they have the adjustment phase to go through TOGETHER! They'll be able to support one another while adjusting to their new baby brother-- but I feel whole heartedly that they are going to do fantastic and really take to him. Smile

AK2663's picture
Joined: 09/03/08
Posts: 710

I'm feeling the adjustment too! I know I will love this baby as much as Gracie...I love my nieces and nephews enough that I would lay down my life for them, so I know the love will continue to spread....but I'm worried about sharing the time equally and making sure DD1 knows my feelings havent changed for her. Esp since she has been on a mommy kick recently and is saying the sweetest things to me. The other morning when I woke up I came over and sat in the big arm chair with her and she rubbed my back and said "I'm so happy to see you mommy, I love you mommy!"...I wanted to cry!

DD is SUCH a good kid in pretty much all ways that I am scared she will act out too. I know it's normal but I hate change for her Sad

I have 2 sisters and we are all close in our own ways. I grew up sharing a room with one my whole life and as much as we fought over clothes and stuff, I would never change it. The other I talk to every day.

Joined: 12/21/10
Posts: 529

As a first timer I am scared. DH and I have been together for 12 years...just us and I am scared about the changes in our life and in our relationship. We discuss it regularly and know that we are important and we must make a priority out of us because without us the family is not a family. We promise to have date nights and not let baby take over us and to have an "us" with baby and an "us" without (we/she luckily has 3 sets of grandparents to help with this). It is scary but I think that we can do this and I hope we do good by her.

squirrel27's picture
Joined: 05/13/08
Posts: 781

"jessica2575" wrote:

As a first timer I am scared. DH and I have been together for 12 years...just us and I am scared about the changes in our life and in our relationship. We discuss it regularly and know that we are important and we must make a priority out of us because without us the family is not a family. We promise to have date nights and not let baby take over us and to have an "us" with baby and an "us" without (we/she luckily has 3 sets of grandparents to help with this). It is scary but I think that we can do this and I hope we do good by her.

You will do great!!!

I remember those feelings too. You have good ideas already - be sure to make time for you two - even if its just simply sitting on the couch or lying in bed together catching up on things while baby naps. You need to make time to keep connected. It is a change, but you learn how to balance it and baby.

I'm also worried about how to balance 2 kids AND find time for hubby and I... lol. I think my definition of "us time" will be different for a while until I can leave baby for a while (it was a good 6 weeks before I left DS for even an hour to go out on my own to the store. lol)

Ohhh, and "they say" to try and NOT talk about kids when you go out on date nights. GOOD LUCK with that, its hard! lol... it took quite a while to be able to talk about "adult" things without having baby pop up in the conversation. For a while its ok to talk about baby and how you're both adjusting. Talking about other stuff will come back after a while.

Joined: 12/21/10
Posts: 529

"squirrel27" wrote:

Ohhh, and "they say" to try and NOT talk about kids when you go out on date nights. GOOD LUCK with that, its hard! lol... it took quite a while to be able to talk about "adult" things without having baby pop up in the conversation. For a while its ok to talk about baby and how you're both adjusting. Talking about other stuff will come back after a while.

That cracks me up...she is not even here yet and most conversations have to do with her already. Smile

pico83's picture
Joined: 09/06/06
Posts: 3014

:lurk:
:bighug: Marilyn, I dfinitely felt the same! You got it exactly right when you said it's like not being able to imagine life without kids.

When expecting #2 I was worried about how I'd be able to love him as much as I did DS1. I never had any issue with it. Bonded right away and had a blast with him. In a lot of ways it was actually easier because I knew what I was doing! And I quickly realized that rather than depriving DS1 of ky attention I had given him an amazing friend (and toy :lol:).

Shortly before #3 was born I went to DH in tears because DS1 and DS2 had become such close friends and played so well together and everything was going smoothly. I was afraid we had made a mistake with #3 and would mess everything up. Well, what do you know? It's been wonderful. Everyone loves LO. DS1 is inseparable from him. There are definitely days I'll go to bed and think "I wish I have gotten to spend more time with just [one of the kids] today." But, I can barely even remember what it was like to have 2 kids instead of 3. I love them all so much.

You'll be fine. Your older son will be fine, and before long he'll be having a lot of fun playing with his little brother!

squirrel27's picture
Joined: 05/13/08
Posts: 781

"pico83" wrote:

:lurk:
:bighug: Marilyn, I dfinitely felt the same! You got it exactly right when you said it's like not being able to imagine life without kids.

When expecting #2 I was worried about how I'd be able to love him as much as I did DS1. I never had any issue with it. Bonded right away and had a blast with him. In a lot of ways it was actually easier because I knew what I was doing! And I quickly realized that rather than depriving DS1 of ky attention I had given him an amazing friend (and toy :lol:).

Shortly before #3 was born I went to DH in tears because DS1 and DS2 had become such close friends and played so well together and everything was going smoothly. I was afraid we had made a mistake with #3 and would mess everything up. Well, what do you know? It's been wonderful. Everyone loves LO. DS1 is inseparable from him. There are definitely days I'll go to bed and think "I wish I have gotten to spend more time with just [one of the kids] today." But, I can barely even remember what it was like to have 2 kids instead of 3. I love them all so much.

You'll be fine. Your older son will be fine, and before long he'll be having a lot of fun playing with his little brother!

Aww Thanks Pico!!!!! :bighug: