Sigh......

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bumblybees's picture
Joined: 03/24/10
Posts: 559
Sigh......

How many of you that are "done" wonder if you're really "done"?

I just need to get these weird feelings out.
A tad of background.....
** Sad Warning**
before DS1 i was pregnant with a little one till 18 weeks then the poor thing went on ahead of me and i'll see him/her again one day.
So then we had DS 1 via a VERY unwanted unnecessary c-section. but the feelings of vindication of being able to carry a child to term were there. and it was VERY strong feelings of wanting to have more babies
DS2 via sucessful VBAC
DD 1 via sucessful VBAC this one was all natural. the emtions and raw power were so strong. it was like if you run and you cross that finish line at teh end of a raw that adrenaline high. it was soooo strong.
its hard to discribe how having those feelings made me feel. addictive...maybe that's the word.

i'm addicted to wanting to have another pregnancy to fill my body with another life. i never feel so sexy so alive as when i'm pregnant. yeah i hated parts of having to pee every 20 seconds and things like that but overall it was such a womanly experience. birthing especially this last time was so wonderful.....i want to do it again.

but then i look at my kids and my life and don't see that other person missing....after DS2 when we thought we were "done" i just knew someone was missing, this time its not there...... but yet.... oh i don't know. is it the "addiction" or really missing another baby?

(it doesn't help that both my mom and my MIL have both said we're going to have twin girls next).

thanks for letting me ramble

sigh.... i probably doesn't help as well that 2 of my friends are pregnant, another one actually just told me this morning she's expecting so that makes 3 and a 4th friend is trying. Sad
i know....i'm nuts. Biggrin

Nell4Him's picture
Joined: 10/25/06
Posts: 2455

You are not alone.

DS#1 was unexpected (well, we weren't preventing, but weren't expecting to conceive for another 3 months). The pregnancy was perfect. The delivery, not-so-much. I had prodromal labor for 2 weeks before inducing with Pitocin. 27 & 1/2 painful hours later, he finally came out. I ended up having 3 doses of Fentanyl, 2 epidurals (the first wore off), an episiotomy with 3rd degree tear all the way to my anus where the doc had to have someone else come in and evaluate it after she stitched me up (45 minutes) to make sure I'd have "full use of my rectum". DS required vacuum assist. It took three tries with the vacuum assist and (I found out later) that by state law, if the 3rd attempt with vacuum assist fails, it's automatic c-section. We were lucky that it didn't get that far.

Between our first two, we had an early miscarriage that left me heart broken and it took 2 years after our loss to get DS#2.

DS#2 was not as textbook of a pregnancy as #1. I was on bed rest by 12 weeks for morphing braxton hicks contractions. We ended up in the birthing center of our hospital 5 times before 35 weeks, then when they lifted my bed rest, the little bugger wouldn't come. This time I only had to deal with 5 days of prodromal labor before my Dr induced. Since we had such a horrible go round with the pit, we chose cervadil. It worked awesomely! 8 hours of labor, 2 doses of Fentanyl, 1 epidural (well, not really.. I got it so late that my toes were barely numb when it was time to push!). This one did also require vacuum assist, but it only took 2 tries and I didn't get the episiotomy and I barely had skid mark tears.

Then, DD. I had given up hope for another baby, but one day DH said "IF we are going to have another, I'd rather it be sooner than later." 2 weeks later I was handing him a positive pregnancy test. Talk about timing! Lol My pregnancy was GREAT. Except for a few scares with my heartburn being out of control and causing esophageal spasms that mimicked heart palpitations... And my delivery was everything I wanted. Well, mostly. It was natural. The membrane stripping that failed with the boys, worked this time and I had prodromal (much harder prodromal this time) for 3 straight days and delivered her naturally on the 4th day, after a very intense 1 hour (from 4cm to out). I got 1/2 a dose of fentanyl and NO epidural, NO episiotomy, NO vacuum assist, and NO tearing! The aftermath of delivery was WAY worse than I would have hoped for, however. Big hemorrhage (not enough for blood transfusion, but enough to need pitocin to stop it). So instead of the big "high" you refer to (I WAS expecting one, honestly)... I got so weak so quickly that my I had a present seizure. Not the ending I wanted at all! I felt very robbed. But that was enough to set my feelings in stone about being done. I had decided during the pregnancy that the baby would be my last.

Fast forward.... DH FINALLY had his vasectomy at the end of March. And ever since then I wonder "What if God wasn't done giving us babies?" DH failed his first post vasectomy semen analysis. Six weeks out, the report said "fertile". It didn't give us numbers, though, only that he needed to repeat in 6 weeks. It's been OVER that length, and DH lost the cup, then lost the order, then.... now we are waiting on the order to come in again and I'm hoping he won't lose the cup. *sigh* I'm not on anything anymore, just breastfeeding. But thanks to 6 months of depo (that ended at the end of May) and the breast feeding, I'm in a state of "Estrogen depletion" and my doc just prescribed me an estrogen vaginal cream because my inside muscles are "constricting" due to lack of estrogen. So.. even if DH fails another SA, I doubt I could even ovulate at the mo. I don't miss the evil witch, though. Lol

bumblybees's picture
Joined: 03/24/10
Posts: 559

Do you think the m/c and the bad delivery experience made you want to have more just to right the "wrong" so to speak?

I probably just really need to get over it and spoil my friends as they're preggers and dote on their tiny ones.

SaraMeow's picture
Joined: 11/02/10
Posts: 406

It sounds like you know you are complete and done having babies, that your family is where it is supposed to be, but that you are sad and mourning the end of having babies. As the kiddos approach and turn one they really start to lost that babyness and that is probably why your are having those feelings now. I think every woman feels sad when they know the baby process is over. My little Roman just turned 1 on the 18th and he will be my only. Our family is done and complete, and I have no interest in being pregnant, I did not enjoy the process... it was just a load of anxiety for me.. but I still feel some sadness.
Anyway.. just my thoughts... I hope it becomes more easy....

rebgrace's picture
Joined: 03/28/08
Posts: 596

I am not sure about being done. I am the oldest of 4 kids, and DH is an only child. So 2 is our compromise lol. He is 100% sure he's done, I'm not quite there. DD1 was the horrible birth for me, and it really put me off for awhile... I considered just having 1. DD2 though, was easy and fast, and I DID get the high after!
I definitely don't like being pregnant, epidurals don't work for me (Failed both times), and my kids don't freaking sleep. DH thinks I'm crazy for maybe wanting another, I know it makes more sense to stop here. But still... I can't help feeling really sad when I think that Sidney is the last baby!

grovey2's picture
Joined: 04/08/08
Posts: 938

i don't know if we're done or not..... i agree with sara though, that perhaps it's the 'mourning' process of knowing it's your last.... plus with all the friends being pregnant, that certainly doesn't help.... i always get the baby itch when my friends are pregnant...

I had a rough pregnancy - just getting pregnant was rough, then i had bedrest, bleeding, ruling out cancer, gest. diabetes, on blood pressure meds, etc....it was like every other week something else would come up... then the delivery itself was okay, until it was time for her to come out and she got stuck, then didn't breathe right away and was wisked away for oxygen. my placenta didn't detach and i lost a lot of blood - they had me sign papers for surgery and blood transfussions if they couldn't get it to stop and before i might pass out.... but thankfully it was okay. O spent over a week in NICU with complications from the GD and dangerously low blood sugars.... she's fine now and i'm fine now too (minus my thyroid which i have to decide if i get it out now or wait) -- i always thought i'd have 5 kids, but i LOVED everything about being pregnant --through all the crap i was handed...i loved it... i also never felt so beautiful, stretch marks, swollen ankles and all.... i miss not caring about how big my belly got..lol. I don't know if 1 is all we're able to have or not... we have to do treatments for another, and i'm not sure i want to go through the disapointment of not having it work and spending all that money....i don't know if i want to risk another rough pregnancy....i don't know this pregnancy was so rough to deter me from another? i dunno..... some days i think i'm good...but then i look around the house and the table and i can see O being a wonderful big sister and i see more kiddos and a crazy life......so then i think i'm not done........

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