Sorry I have been MIA

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KerriWeasel's picture
Joined: 01/28/10
Posts: 464
Sorry I have been MIA

This maybe long just a warning.

I apologize for being MIA. I miss being on here!

I don't even know where to begin. I forgo the jaundice issues because I discussed that. Lizzie had issues with my breast milk. She would scream and grunt, wouldn't sleep well and then eat to sooth. We talked to the doctor and he said to try formula for a few days and pump. Well, she seemed better. So we decided to do a half formula/half breast milk. It seemed a bit better. She still wasn't sleeping well and cried (not as bad) when having a BM. I figured things were going well so I gave her 2 oz of pure breast milk -(milk from when I was on a bland diet). That turned into 2 days of hell. So we, along with our doctor decided to stay with formula.

The formula (Similac Sensitive) was going okay. Still not sleeping well, not a happy baby, grunting and crying to have a BM. So I decided to go ahead and try Soy (the doctor said to do that when we went all formula, but I had just opened a box of Similac Sensitive and that stuff ain't cheap).

She did so much better on the soy. She woke up happy, slept 100 times better. She started taking naps, started to play. But she still had problems with BMs. She grunted and whimpered but it wasn't the screaming. Her poops (sorry this gross) have started to proceedingly get harder and she is only going 1 a day. Now she is starting to scream again, soothing by eating and then spitting up and then really spitting up, like vomiting Exorcist style.

Her sleep has gotten worse since Tuesday night and she only slept 3 hours last night. I have her in her swing which seems to have put her out for awhile. But she isn't faling asleep on her own. She has to have the swing again and if you take her out - look out.

The lack of sleep has caused mommy and daddy to be snippy at each other. fun!

And through all this I get a nasty email from my mom:

This letter has been a long time coming, please read it with an open mind.

The purpose of this letter is not to get you upset but to let know what was wrong with me when you kept asking: “what’s wrong and why are you so mad”. It is not that I was mad, but very hurt.

I don’t like being treated like a red headed step child or a distant relative that you might see once every decade. I don’t know why we have to ask permission or wait till you give permission to feed or change Lizzie; and when we offer, the response is “it’s no, that’s ok I have her” or “I will do it”; sorry these actions and responses on your part, well we really don’t understand them, to us it is very insensitive and selfish of you.

We understand Lizzie is your child and is the most precious part of your life. That we get, but it is like you want to keep her all to yourself and don’t really want us around her. Even your brother hasn't got to hold or cuddle her unless I am holding her and I ask him if he wants to hold her, only after your permission is granted.

I was really looking forward to this past weekend and knew for sure I would get to hold her a lot, but I was wrong. Yes I understand you have to learn how to do things, but we don’t get to see her often and it would have been really nice to let us do some things for her. Dad and I do know how to take care of and raise kids, I think we did a great job raising you and Adam. It would have been nice if you would ask us questions and listen to me when I tried to give you advice. But instead you listen to friends and the internet, and then found out later what I tried to tell you were the same things, but of course you wouldn't admit it; that really is upsetting to me.

I’m not writing this to upset you, didn’t want a face to face yelling match with you either, felt this was the best way to express myself and my issue with you regarding Lizzie.

Talk about a slap in the face. Here's a little background my mom has pushed me and my SIL (who has a 4 month old) out of the way so she can change the babies diapers when we are in the middle of doing it. She will be burping one of them and say "mommy does this all wrong" or etc. When we do take her advice we get "see I told you so.

If I mention one thing that is wrong with Lizzie she will call and text me all day for hourly updates. When I had Lizzie she thanked me for giving her such a precious gift - do you know how weird that was for me? I told her that. I said it makes me feel like I'm a surrogant and going to give you this child. you do understand that she is my baby, right.

This was my response: First, before I address your email, let me start off by stating that it took me sometime to respond because I wanted to think about what you wrote instead of reacting. We were blind sighted by this. Also, I wanted to discuss your feelings and the email with DH, since he was mentioned and is also causing the same problems I am giving you.

Second, we, as you know are first time parents. Everything is new to us and we are trying to enjoy every minute of it. We don't know if we will be able to have another child or what tomorrow holds. We also will make mistakes along the way and that's how people learn - from their mistakes. Speaking of learning, we are the type of people who learn by doing, not watching. We take suggestions and help - while we are doing. You do not know how upset we were when we both got a text message from dad about not letting you help (more like do it for us) dress Lizzie in the hospital. We just had her 12 hours prior. We did not get any sleep and had hardly eaten and yet, we get a email about how we weren't letting you help. How selfish is that? We wanted to change our daughter's clothes for the first time. We wanted to do it and the help we needed was someone guiding us, making suggestions; not adding to the stress of just having a child. But it wasn't about that - it was about us not letting you help. So imagine how we felt when we both got scolded via text message. It could have been handled quite differently.

My response went on - and it's a bit more personal. But I had to deal with that. I was worried about having postpartum depressin and BF was huge for me and I figured it would help me battle it if I had it because I could bond with Lizzie. My mom kept telling me you can't breastfeed (when my milk didn't come in) or your milk is probably the cause because of your lymphodema. Just shut up and let me try. When we found out it was I got I told you so. Know I am being questioned on why I have stored breastmilk in my freezer. because one day I hope to give it to her or I'll donate it.

so this has been my life. A baby who needs me to hold her and a mom who has been driving me insane.

I hope all of you are well and hope I didn't dump to much of my personal baggage on you:)

LauraMae78's picture
Joined: 01/10/11
Posts: 969

OMG girl that sucks and sympathize on the mom issues!! Mind if i vent with you? I have been having major issues with my parents that would be almost as long as your post (i'll keep it shortish). what happened to: daughter has baby and moms help in ANY WAY POSSIBLE?? my mom, when kendra, was 7 days old and only latching with a nipple shield (still does) ripped the shield off of my right breast (while it was full of milk) and tried to force kendra onto my nipple! :eek: i almost ripped her head off. i was happy just being able to get her to latch, i didnt care about the shield. So i have a screaming baby and my mom forcing her face into my boob, which we all knows doesnt work!!! this was AFTER they both fell asleep after i called them and told them i was heading in to L&D, when she was 14 days old they came over and told me they were still drunk when i called them and barely remembered me calling! that same day my dad was afraid to hold kendra cause he was majorly hungover! GRRRRRRR...6 weeks pass with no visits AT ALL. i get a call they want to come over and i politly remind mom that i expect them to be 100% sober, no hangovers, dont drink the night before. she understands and said no problem. Now the next morning (the LAST day of my maternity leave so it was my LAST day alone with her) my dad shows up all pissed off dropping stuff off and gets all nasty me for my "tone" on the phone. Needless to say i spent my last day alone with my daughter crying hysterically. Thanks DAD! They canceled their visit and we didnt talk to them until a week ago. here i am exhausted as all mamma's are, working full time, making a big dinner for THEM, no help, no dishes clean up, nor will they change her diaper. Feed and snuggle only. Thanks MOM! atleast she left me alone to nurse my baby! She gets upset if i take Kendra and hold her myself like im being selfish. with their history, yeah, i get nervous when they hold her. There is alot more to this story of course. If they cant make teh family priority over drinking, then they can stay away entirely. Too many family battles have taken place because of drunkedness, and all took place while i was preggo, but almost missing my delivery over it, thats going too far.

Sorry to vent on your thread! i have said this before, i wish we lived closer! Smile

Im sorry you are having such a hard time. Im super glad the Soy formula is helping her though! As for her needing permission to feed or change Lizzie, um that seems completely reasonable to me. you know her feeding schedule and when to feed her. They dont! Too many people hear a baby fuss and think the solution is pop a bottle in her mouth. My oldest daughter was one for that and i took care of that really quick. Bottom line, YOU know how to take care of your baby!

All you can do is explain to her how you feel the best you can. it is up to them how to handle it after it. Keep focusing on your beautiful little girl and the rest will work itself out. Smile

Call me if you to vent some more!

KerriWeasel's picture
Joined: 01/28/10
Posts: 464

OMG. I totally hear you on the drinking!!! My mom cried because I wouldn't let her hold Lizzie because I thought she drank too much. Sorry but after 4 drinks - yes. You smell like booze and I don't want you hiding her

VCoates's picture
Joined: 05/22/07
Posts: 1055

Wow is all I can say.

HUGS!! I hope you can figure everything out with Lizzie soon. It's just heartbreaking when you know your LO isn't feeling well and is in pain.

Jessica.'s picture
Joined: 02/02/09
Posts: 424

Sounds like your mom is being a bit “needy”. Sorry she feels left out, but she’s had her chance at being a mom. Its your turn now. However because its your mom and you most likely love her, I would find ways to satisfy both of you. I would start off by asking for a moratorium on complains as its hard enough being a new mom you don’t want to add in mother anguish to the mix. I would also state that you’re glad she cares for Lizzie so much and you will make an effort to include her when you can if she respects you as a mother. I would do this by trying to think of ways she can help you with Lizzie and let her know ahead of time. IE. If you invite her over for a chat and ask that she helps you bath Lizzie one week and maybe the next week you can bring Lizzie over to her house while you run for groceries. (don’t know how close you are to her house though) and so on. Just something were she has dedicated time to help Lizzie so you’re upholding your side. I would also remind her she needs to respect your new mominess and not cramp your style while you’re trying to figure this out. As for her unwanted/wanted advice, tell her she cant take that personally.

jaimers617's picture
Joined: 10/30/09
Posts: 333

Hey girly! That sounds terrible with Lizzie! I don't know if you ever considered it, but Nutramigen is a really easily digested formula and that might help her. Our ped gave us some samples to try before having us go out and buy it in case it didn't help since its so expensive. Do you think your ped could give you a sample or two to try?

The mom thing is terrible! I feel really bad for you and your hubs for having to go through that with all the other stuff you guys have going on. Stay tough, the email you wrote back in response was well written and level-headed. I hope things with Lizzie improve! If you ever have questions about the formula or anything, definitely pm me and I can give you my number and we can chat Smile

KerriWeasel's picture
Joined: 01/28/10
Posts: 464

"Jessica." wrote:

Sounds like your mom is being a bit “needy”. Sorry she feels left out, but she’s had her chance at being a mom. Its your turn now. However because its your mom and you most likely love her, I would find ways to satisfy both of you. I would start off by asking for a moratorium on complains as its hard enough being a new mom you don’t want to add in mother anguish to the mix. I would also state that you’re glad she cares for Lizzie so much and you will make an effort to include her when you can if she respects you as a mother. I would do this by trying to think of ways she can help you with Lizzie and let her know ahead of time. IE. If you invite her over for a chat and ask that she helps you bath Lizzie one week and maybe the next week you can bring Lizzie over to her house while you run for groceries. (don’t know how close you are to her house though) and so on. Just something were she has dedicated time to help Lizzie so you’re upholding your side. I would also remind her she needs to respect your new mominess and not cramp your style while you’re trying to figure this out. As for her unwanted/wanted advice, tell her she cant take that personally.

Luckily I live 2 hours north. I'm really going to try next time I see her. Thanks for the advice!!

KerriWeasel's picture
Joined: 01/28/10
Posts: 464

"jaimers617" wrote:

Hey girly! That sounds terrible with Lizzie! I don't know if you ever considered it, but Nutramigen is a really easily digested formula and that might help her. Our ped gave us some samples to try before having us go out and buy it in case it didn't help since its so expensive. Do you think your ped could give you a sample or two to try?

The mom thing is terrible! I feel really bad for you and your hubs for having to go through that with all the other stuff you guys have going on. Stay tough, the email you wrote back in response was well written and level-headed. I hope things with Lizzie improve! If you ever have questions about the formula or anything, definitely pm me and I can give you my number and we can chat Smile

Good to know! I'll ask him next week. We go in for two month shots next week. I may have to talk to you if he doesn't give me a solution. She had a terribly hard BM yesterday and was a torturous 20 minutes for her - ended up being a hard BM and then one later that night that was pretty loose.

squirrel27's picture
Joined: 05/13/08
Posts: 781

Aww Kerri So sorry shes still having poo issues. Thats no fun. Soren had hard poos when he was a month old so I remember how horrible it was! :bighug: Have you tried baby Colace? Its over the counter stuff and its gentle on them. Its not a laxative so it takes a bit to work but once it does it really helped us.

As for your mom, i also understand the mom issues (You know this already from my MIL stories lol).
I agree with what Jessica said - pick something you are ok with her doing and ask her to do it.
Its not unreasonable to want to give your permission for what happens for you baby and when it should happen. Whenever my parents watched Soren as a baby we would give them his schedule written down, and it changed every few weeks as he grew. We still talk about that, and hes two! lol but we live close to them. Anyway, its not unreasonable in the least!

Sorry you have this extra stress! :bighug: