Being happy for others

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Daffodils's picture
Joined: 04/29/09
Posts: 73
Being happy for others

I think perhaps you guys are the only ones who will understand this.

My boyfriend's sister is currently in labor with her first baby, a boy. I think she will be a wonderful mother, and I am truly happy for her, and excited to be an 'aunt' (DBF and I aren't married but have been together for 8 years, his family is my family). She is 40+ weeks, so she's ready for pregnancy to be over. Happy as I am, there is still a part of me that is...jealous? Angry? I don't know, it's hard to describe I guess. For me, labor was never an exciting thing. Instead of a "yay I'm going into labor!" it was a "Holy crap please stop my labor!". Every contraction that I felt, I knew that the boys were getting closer to coming, and that it was way too early. I guess it's more than I'm sad for what I never had, and sad for what the boys had to go through. But then of course I feel bad that I feel this way, because I really am truly happy for his sister. It just brings up all these mixed emotions in me. Thanks for listening!

AlyssaEimers's picture
Joined: 08/22/06
Posts: 6768


Danifo's picture
Joined: 09/07/10
Posts: 1377

I understand what it is like when people talk about their pregnancies/newborn experience to have personal issues with what they are saying.

I recently had a friend who was 38 weeks pregnant ask what I did to get my baby out because she was tired of being pregnant. Luckily it was through email so I could compose myself before replying otherwise it would have been "WTF? Placental abruption? NICU?"

Joined: 04/14/07
Posts: 793

:bighug: I totally understand - you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Just because you are mourning your perfect birth experience doesn't mean you are any less happy for her. I'll be honest and say that I felt that way until I had Lana and was able to the positive experience that I felt I missed out on with Tyler.

Joined: 04/09/06
Posts: 1244

:bigarmhug: Even though my babies were not all that preemie. My DS was born at 36 weeks with no apparent complications and you know my twin story with S in the NICU, etc.. There are times that I struggle when people I know have full-term healthy babies. I think I struggle with feeling like I was cheated out of the same thing you are talking about. Going into labor and being excited. With my DS, it was a lot of fear related to his breathing and feeding and would we get to take him home or would he be in the NICU. Definitely not a positive labor experience. Then, with the twins, it was concern about S and IUGR causing us to deliver earlier than would have been optimal for her. The NICU experience with her, continued OT once she was born, having to feed her on her side, fearing for her life everytime I put the bottle in her mouth, it was just not very empowering. It was super scary. Sad

I know my experiences are different, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I understand your feelings. Hugs Leah!

Joined: 12/10/06
Posts: 14

I totally understand how you feel. After I had my oldest son, I was very envious of anyone who had a full term pregnancy and mad that I wasn't able to. I really didn't heal until I had my youngest son much closer to full term. What did make me feel better before that though was meeting adults who were preemies and being proud of how much more I knew about babies from my training by the NICU nurses compared to all the other people I knew with full term babies. They were asking me for advice!

Daffodils's picture
Joined: 04/29/09
Posts: 73

Thanks ladies for your responses! Sorry I did not get back here sooner. She did end up having a wonderful birth experience and has been successfully breastfeeding since then. I am happy for her, but the jealousy is still there. We actually went to visit on their first night home, and it was so easy for them compared to how it was with the boys when they came home. I just have to accept that I will always have this feeling to some degree, and like you ladies said, it's not that I'm less happy for others, but instead mourning for what I did not have. Thanks!