Make the terrible twos X 2 go away, please!! :)

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Joined: 04/09/06
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Make the terrible twos X 2 go away, please!! :)

Oh the screaming!!! This is the absolute one thing I dislike about being a MoM. My girls feed off each other and when one starts yelling or crying, the other finds a way to chime in. It grates on my last nerve. I have found myself counting and taking deep breaths quite often. I have had to leave the room and I even ended up telling my girls to stop it this morning. I feel like I lose my patience with all of my kids so easily anymore. It just isn't typical of me, but there are moments where I really feel like my head will explode if someone throws one more tantrum or keeps whining. Please tell me that what I feel is normal. I feel awful. I try really hard to focus on all the fun things with the girls. I enjoy all of their new words and the new things they are learning. I try to have fun with them. I just find it all really overwhelming. Sometimes, more overwhelming than the newborn stage. When I have both of them fighting for my lap (and then big brother jumps in the mix) and both are sending board book missiles across the room because they are frustrated, it feels like a danger zone (for all of us) sometimes. Sad

Joined: 05/20/07
Posts: 45

Well, it is normal in my world too! Ha, sorry you are having a rough time. I honestly think the kids are the most fun now (3) but they are also the most challenging they have ever been. Both DH and I have talked about how we lose our cool and yell at them and how we hate it. I find myself walking away too sometimes to another room to cool off. You are not alone!!

I had the worst day the other day and my DH was at work. He called home and I was crying. Explained the day. He was sympathetic. He called back 2 hours later and said, "Are you still crying?" Yes! Hahah! It was just one of those days. And then they do something that melts your heart and you can't believe you just wanted to kill them a second ago! Smile

Everyone says it gets better and better..it does, but some days.....boy!

Joined: 04/09/06
Posts: 1244

"Ami28639" wrote:

Well, it is normal in my world too! Ha, sorry you are having a rough time. I honestly think the kids are the most fun now (3) but they are also the most challenging they have ever been. Both DH and I have talked about how we lose our cool and yell at them and how we hate it. I find myself walking away too sometimes to another room to cool off. You are not alone!!

I had the worst day the other day and my DH was at work. He called home and I was crying. Explained the day. He was sympathetic. He called back 2 hours later and said, "Are you still crying?" Yes! Hahah! It was just one of those days. And then they do something that melts your heart and you can't believe you just wanted to kill them a second ago! Smile

Everyone says it gets better and better..it does, but some days.....boy!

Oh boy, this morning was one of those days! I could have cried if I didn't have to get myself to work and I didn't want to look all crazy in front of the people at daycare. I stopped at Starbucks and got a treat. Biggrin

I loved age 3 with my DS too. I have to say that age 4 was my favorite. It will definitely get better. I chant that on a daily basis. However, when you are in the middle of it, it is so hard to look forward to the days when life will be a tad more calm. My poor DS too. He is just in the midst of toddler chaos.

I think the challenge from here on out really is how to discipline twins. I have already started some time outs, but the other doesn't realize what that means. One day, Keira was in time out, and Sarafina was bringing her a baby doll and stroking her leg while K screamed bloody murder. Such a sweet sister, too bad mommy thinks you need to get away from your sister.

Here is a :bigarmhug: for your stressful day!

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Joined: 07/29/04
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I found 3 so much harder than 2. I remember the days being soooooo long at that age. And soooooo frustrating some days!

I absolutely love this age now (they'll be 5 in two months). As they get older it's different challenges but they are much easier for me to handle.

brady77's picture
Joined: 07/29/04
Posts: 62

And mine always do that in time out. They will be fighting like cats and dogs, then one gets put in time out and the other one is trying to go comfort the one in trouble!

Joined: 02/12/10
Posts: 18

Oh yeah, this is normal. So is the guilt! I feel guilty all the time for losing my patience, raising my voice, getting angry and frustrated, etc. I crave peace and quiet nowadays because it is always so loud! I feel like someone is always yelling, demanding something, whining, crying, or even just shrieking with delight. I just feel overwhelmed and overstimulated a lot of the times, and it is so tough. When they are sweet to each other or their baby brother it is just so precious, but then they will start fighting with each other and screaming and it just all starts over again!

I truly believe it will get better, that's what keeps me going! My niece is five and is now a lot of fun to be around. I think that's a great age and one I am looking forward to. I don't mean to wish the next few years away, and I try to make sure I enjoy as much of it as I can. But man, they do not make it easy sometimes!

Joined: 04/09/06
Posts: 1244

"klb621" wrote:

Oh yeah, this is normal. So is the guilt! I feel guilty all the time for losing my patience, raising my voice, getting angry and frustrated, etc. I crave peace and quiet nowadays because it is always so loud! I feel like someone is always yelling, demanding something, whining, crying, or even just shrieking with delight. I just feel overwhelmed and overstimulated a lot of the times, and it is so tough. When they are sweet to each other or their baby brother it is just so precious, but then they will start fighting with each other and screaming and it just all starts over again!

I truly believe it will get better, that's what keeps me going! My niece is five and is now a lot of fun to be around. I think that's a great age and one I am looking forward to. I don't mean to wish the next few years away, and I try to make sure I enjoy as much of it as I can. But man, they do not make it easy sometimes!

Overwhelmed and overstimulated is a great way to describe it. There are times I really just need for it to be quiet because I cannot even think straight. Is it bad that I have been looking forward to age 5 since before the twins were born? Lol Honestly, I love every stage for something and I love my kiddos, but rational thought and language are such great developments. Biggrin

You are right, I do absolutely love how caring and thoughtful my twins can be, and I know this is typical among all of our multiples. They soothe each other when they are upset, share food with each other, and play with each other. Those things are so precious. Plus, my girls learning to give all of us kisses is just wonderful. Now, if we could have more of that and less of the screaming and whining, life would be grand! ROFL

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Joined: 03/08/10
Posts: 154

Oh Mel... I know how you feel! Every day I am frustrated, and it just feels like they will be this age FOREVER. Right now, they like climbing up on the window sil from the couch, and because we are in a tiny hotel room, we have nowhere else to PUT the couch, so I am constantly pulling them down, and every day at least one of them gets hurt from falling or trying to climb up. I just can't keep up with it all the time. It's driving me crazy!

Not to mention that I have next to no time to sit down with either of them and teach them anything. I'm so worried they aren't learning anything, because I'm constantly just trying to keep up. GAH!

It will get better. That's what we have to keep telling ourselves. Ugh. It's so hard though. Keep your spirits high. If you have to take a time out, you have to. I sometimes just put them in a play yard so I can have a minute!! But the play yards are where they sleep so I don't like to do this often...

woooaaahhhh's picture
Joined: 04/18/07
Posts: 61

mine just turned two, also. Seems like they turned into lil demons overnight lol

Joined: 04/09/06
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"Flourish" wrote:

Oh Mel... I know how you feel! Every day I am frustrated, and it just feels like they will be this age FOREVER. Right now, they like climbing up on the window sil from the couch, and because we are in a tiny hotel room, we have nowhere else to PUT the couch, so I am constantly pulling them down, and every day at least one of them gets hurt from falling or trying to climb up. I just can't keep up with it all the time. It's driving me crazy!

Not to mention that I have next to no time to sit down with either of them and teach them anything. I'm so worried they aren't learning anything, because I'm constantly just trying to keep up. GAH!

It will get better. That's what we have to keep telling ourselves. Ugh. It's so hard though. Keep your spirits high. If you have to take a time out, you have to. I sometimes just put them in a play yard so I can have a minute!! But the play yards are where they sleep so I don't like to do this often...

OMGosh yes! I feel like this too!

Keira is climbing up on our kitchen chairs. We obviously cannot get rid of them or move them, so I cannot really stop her. She fell the other day and hit her head hard on our wood floor. Sometimes, I am just not sure how to keep them safe. It was so much easier with one. I envision crayon markings and marker drawings on my walls in the near future.

As for one-on-one time and teaching them things, I am so with you. I feel horrible that my girls do not yet know how to count or the start of learning their letters. My DS could count to 5 or 10 at this age and knew some letters. My girls just don't seem to pick it up like he did, but they also don't get the attention either. They fight over my lap and I can never seem to satisfy them. I know that will get better. I also know we need to plan more one-on-one time at night, but it is hard with working full-time. Splitting three kids among two parents is really challenging.

I cannot imagine living in a hotel room and managing twins. :bigarmhug: You are doing marvelous. Do you have room for a superyard in that room? From the pictures, it doesn't look like it, but that is one way to contain the twins with some toys without putting them in their pack-n-plays. That would probably mean folding up the PnPs though. Just a thought.

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"woooaaahhhh" wrote:

mine just turned two, also. Seems like they turned into lil demons overnight lol

Ha! At least we know they will outgrow the demon phase for awhile until they hit those teen years. Biggrin

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I hear ya! The other day I not so nicely or quietly said, "Stop screaming at me" which just ended up with more screaming from Wyatt. They are starting to fight with each other a bit more, taking things from each other, and Bram has a bit of a mean/aggressive streak, where he likes to pinch push. They don't talk quite enough, but we're getting there, so lots of shrieking and "eh" that I get to interpret. I also feel less patient with my older kids because by the time they get home from school I am done, so overstimulated and touched out, that I just want to shut myself in my room and have a minute or two, which of course does not happen. lol.

Kim, as to teaching them things, it doesn't usually work with even one baby at this age, so don't feel bad. Smile I just label lots of things while we play, "Do you want the blue cup?", "Oh look, here is a cat, what does the cat say?", etc. Smile

Joined: 01/25/02
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Mel, if Isaiah was counting and learning letters that young, go you! I definitely did more with my first than my second, because obviously there was more time. But ya know what, even though my ds didn't know his colors until he was over two, and dd knew them probably just over 1, etc ,he is ahead of where she was reading wise at the same age (they are both above grade level), and he has not struggled in school at all. So if they have the ability, nurture what you can, and don't feel too bad. Balancing kids is hard. My dh always feels bad when he gets home from work and only has a few hours before bedtime to split btw four kids.

Joined: 04/09/06
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"rachelrazzle" wrote:

Mel, if Isaiah was counting and learning letters that young, go you! I definitely did more with my first than my second, because obviously there was more time. But ya know what, even though my ds didn't know his colors until he was over two, and dd knew them probably just over 1, etc ,he is ahead of where she was reading wise at the same age (they are both above grade level), and he has not struggled in school at all. So if they have the ability, nurture what you can, and don't feel too bad. Balancing kids is hard. My dh always feels bad when he gets home from work and only has a few hours before bedtime to split btw four kids.

This is very true. I try really hard not to worry about it. I know the girls will do things when they are ready. They have so far. Every big milestone triggers anxiety for me because it seems like my girls just take forever, kwim? Sarafina didn't walk until 16 (almost 17) months and Keira's speech is still pretty garbled. I know it will all even out by K, but it is hard to be patient. Biggrin

As for the patience and your DH, I get both. I am overstimulated and tired sometimes by the time I get home from work, then the kids get going and I feel like my head is going to explode from all the input I am receiving. Add not getting a ton of time with the kids and I feel quilty quite a bit. It is a hard balance. We all just do the best we can and pray it is enough, right?

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Definitely Mel, that is all that we can do. Smile I know I worry too, its just easier to tell someone else not to worry. lol. At the boys' 18 mo check up (1mo late) the ped asked if I wanted a referral to EI for Wyatt, since he was only saying like 3 words, and mostly just momma. I said no, because this time I was not too worried, because he signs very well, so I know he understands, and figured twins usually are speech delayed. Thankfully even though its only been a few weeks since the appt, Wyatt has added probably 10-15 words to his vocabulary. He walked later too, Abram was walking right at 12mo, and Wyatt was 14.5, which of course is in the normal range, but sometimes it is harder to see your other baby of the same age not doing what the other can.

Joined: 04/09/06
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Okay, I think demons have possessed my twins! Seriously! It has gotten worse!!!! I posted a video of Sarafina throwing a fit on FB. I get a good laugh out of it because you just have to find a way to laugh at stuff like that. However, I posted about 25 seconds and that was the tail end of a meltdown that lasted over a 1/2 hour. Ladies...I have never had a kid who can keep themselves in a tantrum for so long. I still have no clue what it was really about. All I know is that our dinner was horrible because she threw her spoon and then refused to say please to get it back, attempted to throw her tray (at which point, I put her food away because she wasn't eating it anyway), and had to be turned around so that we could ignore her tantrum while we were trying to eat. Then, she continued it once we went downstairs to play. Oh my gosh, I was horribly overstimulated and wanted to just scream with her!!!!!

Has anyone ever read "The Happiest Toddler on the Block?" I need to go check it out from the library again. It is a good read. I have tried his methods with my DS. They never seemed to work. However, maybe it would work for Sarafina. Although, there are days where I just think I am not cut out for parenting twins. Sad I can give you tons of advice on singletons and I can write one heck of a behavior plan for my DS or a kid with a severe behavior issue at work. My twins are a different matter. I just cannot figure them out.

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Joined: 03/08/10
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(Sorry, this turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would!)

Spark and Silas have really upped their tantruming over the past couple weeks. I think they're bored, but I don't know what to do with them. We are trying to get out more to play groups and such... if you can believe it, there are more play groups HERE, in a town of 1500 than there were in a city of over 1 million. (Or maybe it just seems like it. lol)

Anyway... Spark is really bad. She's so hard headed that when she doesn't get her way she screams and kicks - but only for a few seconds and she's off again. I've noticed that when they throw tantrums, they're usually tired, or have just woken up.

How I've been dealing with the tantrums: Let them have it out until they've calmed down just a little bit, then pick them up and love them, smile, talk happy with them, show them a toy they like, etc. I want them to know what they did was wrong (which is 99% of the time why they throw a fit, because I've told them "no") but I also want them to know that it's not the end of the world like they think it is. It's really helped. It's getting to the point now where I tell them "no" and they just take it in stride and move on to something else. It doesn't stop them from doing the things they do because they'll always be curious, but it sure does help the tantruming! :vibes: And I was amazed at how many moms commented on how happy they both looked at play group today. Why wouldn't they be happy? Are other people's kids generally not happy? Which kind of made me sad, but... there it is.

About the superyard - we had one, and they got so tired of it around 8 months. Spark was crying every time we put her in. So we extended it, and blocked off half the living room with it - that got old too. She was climbing out around 11-12 months old (same with her PNP) Also, I broke part of it trying to bend it the wrong way ROFL Now we just let them run around wherever. They absolutely hate being penned in and I can't bear to do it to them. The good news is that we finally found an apartment in town... it's tiny, but it has a separate bedroom, and a kitchen even! lol So they are a lot happier now. :vibes:

I really recommend the book "Unconditional Parenting". It's really changed my outlook on parenting, and the author (Alfie Kohn) is very sweet, not to mention thorough. :vibes:

Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 1368

"Flourish" wrote:

How I've been dealing with the tantrums: Let them have it out until they've calmed down just a little bit, then pick them up and love them, smile, talk happy with them, show them a toy they like, etc. I want them to know what they did was wrong (which is 99% of the time why they throw a fit, because I've told them "no") but I also want them to know that it's not the end of the world like they think it is. It's really helped. It's getting to the point now where I tell them "no" and they just take it in stride and move on to something else. It doesn't stop them from doing the things they do because they'll always be curious, but it sure does help the tantruming! :vibes: And I was amazed at how many moms commented on how happy they both looked at play group today. Why wouldn't they be happy? Are other people's kids generally not happy? Which kind of made me sad, but... there it is.

About the superyard - we had one, and they got so tired of it around 8 months. Spark was crying every time we put her in. So we extended it, and blocked off half the living room with it - that got old too. She was climbing out around 11-12 months old (same with her PNP) Also, I broke part of it trying to bend it the wrong way ROFL Now we just let them run around wherever. They absolutely hate being penned in and I can't bear to do it to them. The good news is that we finally found an apartment in town... it's tiny, but it has a separate bedroom, and a kitchen even! lol So they are a lot happier now. :vibes:

We have one who throws tantrums at times as well. It's not too often, but they occur. I handle it similarly to how you handle it as well. The only difference is when she is having a fit at home, she is placed on her bed until she is done behaving that way, then we talk about why she was screaming. She had her first meltdown at the store last weekend. Boy did she scream! Thankfully, DH was there so he stayed with the other two while I hauled her to her car seat to finish her screaming. She didn't stop until the rest were at the car as well. She was just tired in that instance. We chose the wrong time to shop. Thankfully, that wasn't her normal. DH took them out to lunch the other day and was complimented about how they were so amazed the girls behaved the entire time. So there's definitely good public moments, too!

We finally took the play yard down last month. We had it up more to keep the toys in rather than have them scattered all over the house. I actually miss it now because the house looked much better with the toys contained.

Glad you were able to find an apartment with more space! YaY!! Smile

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Mel... I have been needing to make a video as well. Last week Abram had at least a 40min long tantrum. He kept pulling me along to show me something, but he never could find it, I guess. He didn't really know what he wanted, therefore I did not know how to help him and he just screamed and screamed. It is maddening and exhausting. A few times I have taken them and put them in their room for a whole 30 seconds or so, while telling them it is just not okay to scream like that, and sometimes it works... but that 30 seconds is sometimes all I need to regroup to be ready for more screaming. lol

Joined: 04/09/06
Posts: 1244

"Flourish" wrote:

(Sorry, this turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would!)

How I've been dealing with the tantrums: Let them have it out until they've calmed down just a little bit, then pick them up and love them, smile, talk happy with them, show them a toy they like, etc. I want them to know what they did was wrong (which is 99% of the time why they throw a fit, because I've told them "no") but I also want them to know that it's not the end of the world like they think it is. It's really helped. It's getting to the point now where I tell them "no" and they just take it in stride and move on to something else. It doesn't stop them from doing the things they do because they'll always be curious, but it sure does help the tantruming! :vibes: And I was amazed at how many moms commented on how happy they both looked at play group today. Why wouldn't they be happy? Are other people's kids generally not happy? Which kind of made me sad, but... there it is.

I really recommend the book "Unconditional Parenting". It's really changed my outlook on parenting, and the author (Alfie Kohn) is very sweet, not to mention thorough. :vibes:

I will have to check out the book. Is it an attachment parenting style book?

As for the tantrums, if I knew what they were about, I would certainly treat it that way. Quite honestly, we ignore it outright. My girls can throw themselves on the floor and fling themselves about. I go about my business. I do my best to get the other kids to move along too. Then, when they are done, we just act like all is normal. I am all about extinction.

I figure once they hit the tantrum stage, nothing is going to stop it. So, I do my best to intervene before we hit that stage. I redirect, I distract, and I intervene with the kids. If we hit the utter meltdown point, I just ignore them. Most of the time, it makes for a short tantrum. Sarafina has already realized that throwing a fit won't get her much. She just has these marathon sessions where she is extremely sensitive. Anything will set her off and she will start and stop. It is not continuous, but she calms down, Keira touches her arm, and she is off again. That is where I am at a loss. I think those might be the days that she is not sleeping well at daycare or something. I think I may have to ask them to give me a verbal nap report everyday. Sad

I have also started counting. The girls must have exposure at daycare. I need to ask. I started using 1-2-3 Magic with them just in the past week. We haven't hit a time out yet. K has been climbing on the table and such. So, I start counting. Yesterday, I said one, she looked at me for about 2 seconds, and then slowly backed down. I thanked her and we moved on. I didn't think they were ready for it, but I decided to give it a try. We will see how long just counting to one lasts. Biggrin

"rachelrazzle" wrote:

Mel... I have been needing to make a video as well. Last week Abram had at least a 40min long tantrum. He kept pulling me along to show me something, but he never could find it, I guess. He didn't really know what he wanted, therefore I did not know how to help him and he just screamed and screamed. It is maddening and exhausting. A few times I have taken them and put them in their room for a whole 30 seconds or so, while telling them it is just not okay to scream like that, and sometimes it works... but that 30 seconds is sometimes all I need to regroup to be ready for more screaming. lol

Yeah, sometimes I just have to walk away. The tantrum gets worse for a little bit, but it gives me time to regroup and decide what I need to do to change the tide of behavior.

Yeah, I don't think Sarafina knew why she was throwing the tantrum. She has been very spirited about using her spoon herself recently. I am sure that is what triggered it. She still struggles with fine motor skills. I think she sees Keira finish her food with her spoon and fork and she cannot. So, it upsets her. Then, mommy asks her if she wants help, and BAM...there it all goes! She was sick last week too, so that was part of it. She has been a delight ever since she started feeling better. Sigh! These marathon tantrum sessions can go away though.

Flourish's picture
Joined: 03/08/10
Posts: 154

I understand the ignore method. My mother used to do it to my brother and me. I know sometimes I've wanted to use it, but I just can't. It's hard to ignore them when something's wrong. I mean, I can't imagine not being able to communicate with someone and them just ignoring me. In some ways I'm mad at my mom for ignoring me when I was young, but she did what she thought was best. She took a Positive Parenting course, and suggested I do the same, but I just can't justify ignoring a problem as a positive thing. I've always been told that working through problems is the way to go... so I can't provide anything less than that for my kids.

I think a lot of the self esteem issues and dependency issues I have now are from not getting the proper attention when I was young. I was expected to do my best without any help, and when I didn't "perform" to my parent's expectations, I was punished, not helped or understood. I guess that's the main reason I don't like the ignore method - it was done to me and I just could not do that to my kids.

Anyway, I'm "starting" to ramble! lol I should start a journal instead :rolleyes:

Here's a bit about the "Unconditional Parenting" book I found online:

Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" -- and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking "What do kids need - and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.

One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting - including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.

Joined: 06/04/07
Posts: 1368

I can understand your POV given what you've shared with your personal life. Do you think, though, that with what you remember at older stages are different than how parenting is at younger stages? I found that my parenting styles are very different based on the age and then the child (they're now 20 yrs old on down, ack!!!). I personally disagree with Kohn's theory that time-outs or positive reinforcements create kids who think they receive only conditional love if they receive these and must seek parental approval on all actions. The way that it's written appears that parents who do these are doing a grave injustice to their children.

Time outs are to rethink an action, a behavior, with a rule that was broken. Rules are created by parents to keep kids safe. They may not understand why the rules are established at such a young age, but they do know that they need listen to their parent. There is always a consequence with any action taken, be it positive or negative. If a child is breaking a rule, it would not be unreasonable to have that child think about that action (time out) before discussing it. How is this showing them that they're loved unconditionally only when they comply, especially when the discussion ends with hugs, kisses, and smiles? If a child complies with the rule, how is it enforcing that they're loved unconditionally only when they comply when the parent thanks them (positive reinforcement) for following the rule and how helpful they've been? I'm confused about how this would lower their self esteem and ability to cope with outside situations independently.

I also think there are times a child's tantrum warrants the behavior to be ignored while the tantrum is occurring. To continuously try to address the tantrum while it is in full swing usually only adds fuel to the fire. As long as they're in a safe environment while they are having their tantrum and there are no needs that haven't been met that the parent is aware of, I don't see how it's wrong to ignore the tantrum until the tantrum has ended, if anything needs to be addressed. Sometimes kids just don't know why they had a meltdown. I can understand the frustration when it's difficult to communicate effectively yet want to be independent. I still sometimes feel those moments. But yet, it's an opportunity for the child to make the connections of acceptable social behaviors. Children learn that the behavior does not get them what they wanted and attempt to learn what works better.

Joined: 04/09/06
Posts: 1244

"Beertje" wrote:

I can understand your POV given what you've shared with your personal life. Do you think, though, that with what you remember at older stages are different than how parenting is at younger stages? I found that my parenting styles are very different based on the age and then the child (they're now 20 yrs old on down, ack!!!). I personally disagree with Kohn's theory that time-outs or positive reinforcements create kids who think they receive only conditional love if they receive these and must seek parental approval on all actions. The way that it's written appears that parents who do these are doing a grave injustice to their children.

Time outs are to rethink an action, a behavior, with a rule that was broken. Rules are created by parents to keep kids safe. They may not understand why the rules are established at such a young age, but they do know that they need listen to their parent. There is always a consequence with any action taken, be it positive or negative. If a child is breaking a rule, it would not be unreasonable to have that child think about that action (time out) before discussing it. How is this showing them that they're loved unconditionally only when they comply, especially when the discussion ends with hugs, kisses, and smiles? If a child complies with the rule, how is it enforcing that they're loved unconditionally only when they comply when the parent thanks them (positive reinforcement) for following the rule and how helpful they've been? I'm confused about how this would lower their self esteem and ability to cope with outside situations independently.

I also think there are times a child's tantrum warrants the behavior to be ignored while the tantrum is occurring. To continuously try to address the tantrum while it is in full swing usually only adds fuel to the fire. As long as they're in a safe environment while they are having their tantrum and there are no needs that haven't been met that the parent is aware of, I don't see how it's wrong to ignore the tantrum until the tantrum has ended, if anything needs to be addressed. Sometimes kids just don't know why they had a meltdown. I can understand the frustration when it's difficult to communicate effectively yet want to be independent. I still sometimes feel those moments. But yet, it's an opportunity for the child to make the connections of acceptable social behaviors. Children learn that the behavior does not get them what they wanted and attempt to learn what works better.

Yes, this exactly. I don't think I can explain it better. I am sorry that you felt ignored as a child and you feel this has impacted you personally. We all have things we wish our parents would have thought about or changed in their parenting methods. We all have to choose what we feel is right as a parenting method for ourselves and our children.