One twin picking on other kids
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    Default One twin picking on other kids

    Yesterday, the director of the daycare jokingly said that Sarafina picks on other kids. Now, I am not delusional about my kids, I know none of them are angels all of the time. Yet, I am afraid I have not been observant enough because I am not really sure what she meant. Although, my DH said that he agrees, so obviously I am blind! She told me that Sarafina is the worst to Keira and will pick at her, take her stuff, etc. She also said that she surprised one of the other kids hasn't hit or pushed Sarafina yet. It made me sad. Sarafina is so sensitive, and I really think she believes that she is playing with the other kids. I also know that even with a twin sister, she is still working hard to understand sharing. She will take things from her siblings just because she wants them, but that is just normal development. I guess I just don't really view her as being atypical. We work with her on sharing and being nice just like we do with Keira. Keira does her share of stealing toys and stuff. She just is more easy going and tends to not be flustered by kids hitting her or pushing her down.
    Melanie
    DS-Isaiah 1/2/04
    DDs- Keira and Sarafina 11/28/09


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    What you describe just sounds like normal toddler behavior to me. I'm not sure I would call it "picking on". I think it you continue to work on the concept of sharing, being "gentle", etc, when she is developmentally ready to absorb it, she will.
    Tania

    mom to
    Ava 6 years
    James and Eric, born November 2009

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    Quote Originally Posted by melnzai View Post
    Now, I am not delusional about my kids, I know none of them are angels all of the time. Yet, I am afraid I have not been observant enough because I am not really sure what she meant.
    It sounds like normal toddler behavior to me, but I know NOTHING about toddlers yet! I jumped in to say that as this conversation continues with the girls' daycare I hope you'll tell the caretaker exactly what you wrote here. I teach kids in the next big stage of rebellion (13 year old girls) and it's so refreshing for me and a zillion times for effective for everyone involved when a parent says something so open like that to me. So many parents are the delusional types who get angry at other adults for "finding fault" with their kid. If someone chooses to work with kids, they like kids and they like your kid. (This sounds like I'm arguing, I'm totally not! Sorry, I get super annoyed thinking about those parents who get some idea that I dislike their kid when I point out completely normal-for-their-age behavior that should be nipped in the bud.) Anyway, anyone who's around kids all day long gets to know the norms for that age group quite well as well as getting to know your kid quite well - but in a more objective way. The little joking around about it may have been her way of testing the waters and seeing if you're open to hearing observations and suggestions.

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers

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    Quote Originally Posted by triplespiral View Post
    It sounds like normal toddler behavior to me, but I know NOTHING about toddlers yet! I jumped in to say that as this conversation continues with the girls' daycare I hope you'll tell the caretaker exactly what you wrote here. I teach kids in the next big stage of rebellion (13 year old girls) and it's so refreshing for me and a zillion times for effective for everyone involved when a parent says something so open like that to me. So many parents are the delusional types who get angry at other adults for "finding fault" with their kid. If someone chooses to work with kids, they like kids and they like your kid. (This sounds like I'm arguing, I'm totally not! Sorry, I get super annoyed thinking about those parents who get some idea that I dislike their kid when I point out completely normal-for-their-age behavior that should be nipped in the bud.) Anyway, anyone who's around kids all day long gets to know the norms for that age group quite well as well as getting to know your kid quite well - but in a more objective way. The little joking around about it may have been her way of testing the waters and seeing if you're open to hearing observations and suggestions.

    I hear you! I work with kids and my job is pretty sensitive. I am a school psychologist, so I am basically the one to be the possible bearer of bad news. I get a lot of defensiveness. It is easy to jump into that mode and want to defend your kids because you love them. It is impossible to really even put into words how much your kids mean to you and your instinct to protect them is strong. However, I really try very hard to be objective about my kids. No child or person is perfect. We all have our faults. It is important to be aware. Right now, we are having slight issues with DS and inattention at school. I am getting more and more concerned as he goes forward. However, I have to work with the school and the teacher, not against them. We talk with him a lot at home about the importance of focusing on his teacher and his work and not on the others. I am starting to think that we might have to talk to his pediatrician, but I am hoping I can do some more things at home first.

    As for Sarafina, she is a practical joker. She loves to do stuff to see how you will react. We are trying to work on that, but at this age, it is really hard. She is not ready for time outs. So, we just have to remind her to be gentle or to be nice. She just thinks a lot of things are super funny. She runs away giggling. That is hard too because she is so happy, yet you know that behavior will not be tolerated for long, kwim?
    Melanie
    DS-Isaiah 1/2/04
    DDs- Keira and Sarafina 11/28/09


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    Sounds like normal toddler stuff to me.

    I, on the other hand, have an aggressive little toddler. Thankfully not around anyone but his family. lol. In church nursery he just cries and is held the whole time, and playdate stype stuff he is pretty shy and usually kind with sharing and stuff. But to Wyatt and Tuck (he does not usually seem to lash out at Brilee), he can be a real stinker. He bites and hits, and you can see the frustration and anger on his face. I know much of his physical aggression is related to toddler frustration, but when I say, "we do not hit" and he looks right at me with the stink eye and hits again, yeah, he knows what he is doing. I have started time outs, placing him in the crib and shutting the door to his bedroom. He can climb out of the crib and sometimes will play with toys for the few minutes he is in there, or he cries at the door and Wyatt lets him out. lol. They can both open the door from outside, but not the inside yet. Abram ends up in timeout about once a day. I don't know what else to do to curb the physical aggression, but I don't know that it is helping either. My older two and Wyatt are so passive in everything that this is a whole new ball game for me.
    Rachel, momma to 4
    dd 9, ds 7, twin boys Dec 09
    I nursed my twins for 2years and 2 weeks! A little sad to be all done now.

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    Rachel- That is hard. I hope that it is just a stage related to toddler frustration and not knowing how to handle his emotions. We have not dealt much with aggression either. Your time outs in the crib are a good idea.
    Melanie
    DS-Isaiah 1/2/04
    DDs- Keira and Sarafina 11/28/09


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    Quote Originally Posted by rachelrazzle View Post
    Sounds like normal toddler stuff to me.

    I, on the other hand, have an aggressive little toddler. Thankfully not around anyone but his family. lol. In church nursery he just cries and is held the whole time, and playdate stype stuff he is pretty shy and usually kind with sharing and stuff. But to Wyatt and Tuck (he does not usually seem to lash out at Brilee), he can be a real stinker. He bites and hits, and you can see the frustration and anger on his face. I know much of his physical aggression is related to toddler frustration, but when I say, "we do not hit" and he looks right at me with the stink eye and hits again, yeah, he knows what he is doing. I have started time outs, placing him in the crib and shutting the door to his bedroom. He can climb out of the crib and sometimes will play with toys for the few minutes he is in there, or he cries at the door and Wyatt lets him out. lol. They can both open the door from outside, but not the inside yet. Abram ends up in timeout about once a day. I don't know what else to do to curb the physical aggression, but I don't know that it is helping either. My older two and Wyatt are so passive in everything that this is a whole new ball game for me.
    The only time I have put them in their bed was when they threw a tantrum and I knew they were tired. I have found that time outs in their bed doesn't work because they get too distracted with their belongings and don't focus on why they are there. I also don't want them to see their bed as a negative thing. It's there for them to sleep and I don't want them reacting thinking they're getting a time out when it's actually bed time.

    Anytime my kids hit, to the corner they go with an explanation as to why they're getting a time out in a matter-of-fact tone. A minute per year. If they leave, the time starts over. They can scream, they can cry, they can throw a tantrum as long as they stay put. When their time is up, I sit down next to them and talk to them as to why they got a time out. I actually ask them. They almost always know. If they're not very verbal (which I'm guessing he is at this time), I still ask to see if they'll respond and if not, then I ask them in a way they can respond in a yes or no fashion. I then ask if that was nice or not nice and expand a bit on empathy for the person they hurt, etc. If they are verbal, I have them apologize, if they're not verbal, I ask them if they are sorry. Then I have them give me a hug and kiss as well as giving the sibling they hurt an apology as well as a hug and/or kiss if their sibling wants it.

    It has worked great for the most part. There are times they will try to escape where they need to be brought back to their time out, but this method has actually reduced their physical aggression as well as other repeated offenses. With three kids close in age, there will be days all three of them get a time out, but that's now rare and has become more the norm that no kids get a time out. And the more verbal they become, the less they are aggressive because they're able to communicate why they're frustrated.

    DH (after learning J got into the salt and poured it on the floor): "Seriously, J, really? Are you kidding me?" J (in a serious tone): "No Daddy, I'm not kidding." Yeah, she got a time out. But we all had a good laugh about this convo!
    Tracey

    DD: 7/27/08
    DD Twins: 8/4/09 @ 35 Wks - No NICU, woot!
    7/9/07

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    Tracey, good point about not wanting the bed to be a negative thing. I do talk to him about not hitting, and give a few warnings before removing him to time out, and then when I release him from the room (he never stays in the crib lol) I remind why he was in there, and who he hurt and how that made them sad and force him to give them a hug, he won't do it, so I place his arms around them. I could try forcing him in the corner, but since he is a hitter, he hits when he force him to do something, so I think just putting him in his room for the few short minutes (sometimes more than a minute even though he is not two) removes him from the scene enough to calm down, maybe. lol. Child rearing, always a work in progress, isn't it.

    and love J's response, too funny!
    Rachel, momma to 4
    dd 9, ds 7, twin boys Dec 09
    I nursed my twins for 2years and 2 weeks! A little sad to be all done now.

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