I'm really trying to give DH the benefit of the doubt that maybe he's upset about the miscarriage and not sure how to handle it, but he is being so incredibly inconsiderate and pretty darn mean.
Had a giant family party to go to yesterday. I wanted to stay home while DH took DS so I could rest after the D&C and just take some time to myself to recover without having to chase a toddler around. DH says he's not going without me and that we will just stay for an hour and the minute I have to chase Luke we'll leave. Well, 5 hours at the party with me chasing Luke the entire time, and me asking to leave several times, left me tired and in pain. It didn't help that DH's grandma, a woman known for saying all the wrong things, was in my face lecturing me that my son behaves naughty because I let him get away with it and how long am I going to let him do that to me? She also told me I should have had twins because then my son wouldn't be so spoiled.
Today I say that I am resting and DH needs to take over baby duty. He says, "you need to help me a little", which means I change him, I get him dressed, I chase him when he goes behind the tv. Where's the rest? He's yelling at me telling me I'm acting insane. I say, yes, I AM going insane because I've gone through this horrible thing and I am not getting any time to myself to deal with it. He screams that we're not having any more children and he's going to stay in a hotel tonight and doesn't want to be with me anymore. He's so stressed, and he's been so stressed for a long time, due to finances and they way I "talk to him"...
All I have to say is, bulls***! I know, let's take the worst possible time in someone's life and try to make it worse. Let's rub it all in by saying "no more kids", so that was my last chance and now it's gone. I tell him he's being an a**, because really he is, and he throws it back in my face "then why would you want to be with me?" This is such crap.
I'm so sorry, Cari. I feel heartbroken for you. I wish I could find some logic for you in why your DH is acting the way he is, but it seems to me he just has a case of SIAS (selfish insensitive *** syndrome). I hope that's not the case, and that he just doesn't know how to deal with the loss... But it seems like you've mentioned him saying pretty harsh things like that to you before. I really hope you manage some time to yourself to heal and cope a bit. Please come here to vent more if you need to...
Sean Thomas - 6/30/09 @ 7:17pm 8lb 8oz, 19", 40w5d
Calvin Michael - 2/28/11 @ 7:39pm 6lb 8oz, 18", 37w5d
Nolan Matthew - 5/1/13 @ 11:54pm 6lb 4oz, 19", 38w4d
May 26, 2010 - 7w1d
I'm SO sorry Cari! I will say my MC's didn't seem to impact DH as intensely as they did me which I guess makes sense to some degree but the way your DH is acting is inexcusable! I mean you had a D&C that's a procedure! Your body needs to rest and heal and emotionally you need that even more. It's one thing for DH to not really understand or 100% share the emotional grief but it's entirely different for him to dismiss YOURS so easily. I'm very sorry and I hope it's just his way of coping and it passes quickly. You definitely don't need that!
And what the heck with his grandmother? Every 2 year old is naughty it's what they do!!
Evan 12/10/09 9lbs 5 1/4oz and 21.5" 40w3d
Rory 12/2/11 10lbs 12oz and 23" 41w2d
Elliot 10/1/2014 10lbs 12oz and 20.5" 41w
That type of behavior is ridiculous. I am SO sorry that you're dealing with an inconsiderate DH while you're having to deal with the hurt of your loss and recovery from your surgery. There's no excuse for him to behave the way that he is.
We're here for you always.
Thanks ladies. This apparently has been his way of dealing with things...although totally crappy. Seems to be fine, seems to be a little more understanding. Still a little distant, but whatever. Maybe that big explosion is what he needed after he did the guy thing of holding everything in for way too long. I told him he needs to tell me how he's feeling more so that he doesn't reach a breaking point again.
Like I said, whatever. Boys are dumb.
I hope he keeps improving. Did you manage to get any rest?
Sounds like your DH really managed to say the wrong thing with "no more kids". I hope he was just overwhelmed and upset about the m/c. I bet he'll come around once you both have some time to heal.
I'm so sorry Cari. That was an incredibly inconsiderate way for him to deal with things... I hope you're able to get the physical and emotional rest you need.
I'm sorry honey. Men are retarded. If I remember correctly, he's a police officer, right? If that's the case, part of his training is to not let his emotions out...if he's not and i'm totally wrong, then well, he's being a douche.
Maybe sit down with him and explain, in detail, what a D&C is and tell him how you're feeling. Tell him how the things he says to you makes you feel.