I posted this in the November 2012 board, as I just had my first child- a girl, Kyla, November 27 of this year and have some questions/concerns about PPD... any help or comments -even if harsh would be greatly appreciated. thank you:
For the past week or so I've been feeling a little strange... I'm not sure if it's winter blues... post-holiday blues... stress... or actually post partum depression... in the past i've battled with anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder... lately i've been fixated on my calorie intake - my OCD has escalated to the point that i know i'm unbearable and really annoyint DH... a few days ago he was out food shopping and i couldn't get one of her blankets to fold right and i knew i needed to warm a bottle for her as she cried but i insisted for 5 minutes on folding this blanket until i finally texted DH that he needs to get home bc i'm ready to punch a wall... i finally rationalized and put the blanket away and tended to her ...
then yesterday was the worst... i let dishes go and her bottles go (not that thats bad, she had enough bottles made for her next 3 feedings and my sink just had a couple dishes in it), but i had planned on making dinner... on top of that i had her laundry to put away and i just felt extremely overwhelmed - i mean i could have asked DH to help me but instead i made it seem liike the weight of the world was on my shoulders (the reason i had to cook was because the only take out place that had a 'safe' food meaning i wouldn't gain weight from it on the menu was closes), so now i had to cook, clean, ect... i just had it - and i took a bowl in the sink and threw it down and i broke everywhere, DH screamed at me, him and i have never raised our voices to each other - i just felt awful... i cried the entire rest of the night and i felt like a terrible mother, wife and person... my eyes are swollen and i get teaful thinking about it...
it gets a little worse from here, even thogh DH quickly calmed down -we made up, and discussed how i need to get back into counseling... so i went online and looked up symptoms of PPD, what scared me and set me off into another hysterical bout of crying was the line "PPD needs to be considered and emergency and treated immediately as you are liable to hurt your baby or yourself at any given time suddenly"... i NEVER feel the urge to hurt her or myself, but the control i lost over throwing hte bowl really scared me - and i thought "am i capable of this?" ive heard of mothers doing this and i became terrified to the point where i was SCARED now, however i wasn't before... but DH is going back to work today along with my mom and sister after having a week off from work - i have had someone with me every day basically since ive had her, now i have a long winter to face just me and her, and i'm sure i can do it - but i guess i just got scared. i feel better today aside from the reminents of a headache and swollen eyes from last night... i'm trying to let things go (dishes, laundry, ect...) until she sleeps, because maybe i was just trying to be 'too perfect' when i shouldn't have been...
sorry this is so long, but i need some viewpoints, help and/or encouragement as i am feeling pretty bad about myself and a little confused right now... thank you all <3
Sounds like PPD and it can actually start any time within 2 years of birth. I had severe PPD so I agree, call your doctor and get help.
Sean (38 )
Robbie (8 )
Bailey (April 2, 2011)
"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." Caroline Myss
Yes, it sounds like PPD. Especially because you have had some issues with anxiety and such in the past. Call your OB and make an appointment. I can relate to what you are feeling and it is scary. You might find some comfort in Brooke Shield's Down Came the Rain. I read it while I was suffering and it made me feel better. Your hormones just took a HUGE plunge. Some medicine will make you feel better and then in a few months you can titrate down until you are off them. Don't suffer because you don't have to.
Married to my love, M.
Hostess with the mostest: November 2011 & High Risk Pregnancy
DS Carter 10/25/2011
I had mine exactly 5 weeks after. And I actually did have a fleeting thought of hurting my baby - now that was SCARY. Anyway, luckily DH was just a phone call and a short drive away and for me I needed a plan for more sleep. It meant giving up breast feeding which came with its own guilt and issues, but DH was able to take some feedings at night and I was able to get some sleep and "me time." I am not sure if my own story helps but I hope you feel better soon.
It does sound like post-partum something. You can have post-partum anxiety, which may or may not also have a depression component. I would call your doctor right away, and I would make an appt for counseling if possible. Given your past history with anxiety and OCD, it will be important to start employing some healthy self-talk and coping strategies until any meds that are possible prescribed can get into your system at therapeutic levels. The first few months with new babies are very hard because of lack of sleep and what can seem like minor responsibilites pre-baby are overwhelming post-baby. The lack of control can also be a very hard adjustment. Hang in there and take care of yourself. The first rule of motherhood is taking care of yourself. You cannot take care of your kids if you are not feeling healthy and happy.