I was told I have PPD
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    Prolific Poster KET_2010's Avatar
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    Default I was told I have PPD

    Okay this is going to be long, but I need to get it out. My DH isn't home, he won't be back until the end of June (military training). I just feel so overwhelmed with stuff. I sometimes feel like I can't function. But then again I can. I have 3 kids and I love them so much. However my temper has been very short. Esp with DD2, Lorelei. She has been nonstop throwing fits lately and I just yell at her and expect her to do everything I tell her. She won't listen to me though. She listens to my DH though and if she doesn't all he has to do is stand up and she'll do it. It's not like we abuse our kids either. They get the occasional spank (for example Lorelei decided she didn't like me laying on the couch so she threw oatmeal all over the floor and came to hit me in the face. I gave her a few warnings before I did finally spank her, but only because she kept kicking the oatmeal all over.) The kids are really good overall, but of course my two older ones bicker lol. And DD1, Isabelle, gets Lorelei to wake me up in the mornings because she wants to eat. It wouldn't bother me if she didn't do this every day when she knows we don't do breakfast until 8-8:30. (sigh)

    I feel like I have all this energy one minute and then I'll begin doing stuff, and then suddenly run out of momentum and just quit, sit on the couch, and look at stuff online people are selling (lol). It's gotten bad since DH, Tyler, left. I look at what I want to buy and then if I can get a good price on the item, I'll go buy it. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I spend $100s. And I'm selling things as well that he has been wanting me to get rid of. So, it does actually even out. I realized though, that I like to buy things and go pick them up because it gives me a change to have adult interaction. There have been a few ladies I didn't want to leave because they were so nice (of course these were higher ranking guys' wives so since we're low ranking we're not suppose to socialize really...dumb).

    I don't really have any friends outside Tyler. Lol sounds pathetic but it's true. I use to have a really good friend, Cassie, but then she and her husband got into the partying scene and Tyler and I aren't into that kind of stuff. Neither of us actually drink. Then when all of our husbands went to training, all the wives were going back home (the ones I know) and then Cassie found out she's pregnant again and decided it'd be better money wise to stay home. She said we would hang out a lot blah blah blah, but it makes me feel like I'm just a backup plan. She didn't even tell me she was pregnant. She announced it on Facebook after telling all of her "Good friends" (as she said on FB). I just...I hate feeling like this. For example, I asked if she could watch my kids today so I could run pick something up (a couch) and she said sure but then I ended up not getting the couch and I told her that and instead we could just hang out, and she changed it to she was feeling too sick to do anything (same excuse she used yesterday). I get that she has morning sickness and is exhausted, but I know if all the other wives were here she'd hang out with them all the time. It just hurts my feelings they don't invite me to go to the park with their kids or anything.

    I just feel lonely all the time, even though I have the kids with me. I cry at a bunch of stupid stuff, for example when they announced the end of a show coming up, or even just me thinking of something stupid!

    I was told by the dr I have PPD but they said they're not worried about it unless I fear hurting myself or my kids. WTH. They suck at Naval Hospital. They won't listen to me either about my BC pills. I don't want the hormonal kind, I want the mini pill and they've refused to give it to me because according to them there aren't any studies showing hormonal BC decreases breastmilk. So I'm refusing to take it and when I go in at the end of the month I'll lie to them about side effects.

    I feel like I have no one to talk to and if I do start talking that I talk too much and complain too much or whatever. I dunno what to do or think or feel. I want to curl up and cry but I won't in front of my kids. And to make matters worse, I've gotten my period 3 times in 4 weeks!!! So that's throwing me all outta whack too!

    If anyone has gotten this far, I applaud you. I just needed to vent, rant, etc, and I honestly think a lot of what I'm feeling has to do with PPD.


    Katie and Tyler: 04/13/2010
    Isabelle Elaine: 10/07/2005
    Lorelei Evelyn: 11/01/2009
    Desmond Jensen: 03/23/2012
    Juno Ezra: 10/31/2013

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    Community Host Jenni Beth's Avatar
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    Katie, I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. I had PPD that required medication and it helped me so much. I would just cry at the drop of the hat and isolated myself intentionally after my son was born. I'm unsure how the military works but can you go see a different provider? Does your husband have an employee assistance program (EAP)? It is a free benefit that comes with a lot of benefit packages that can connect you with the right resources.

    Is there a facebook group for the military wives on your base? Or maybe you could start one so you can connect with other moms and make some friends.

    (((hugs)))
    Jen
    Married to my love, M.
    Hostess with the mostest: November 2011 & High Risk Pregnancy
    DS Carter 10/25/2011

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    Prolific Poster KET_2010's Avatar
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    I have my up days and down days. It really sucks a lot of time. I've actually gotten in a really bad habbit of spending money. Ha I've been garage saleing a lot and lately I've been spending more than I make when I sell stuff. DH did say it was okay because we can always sell stuff. Here's something weird though...I have the hardest time wanting to sell my things. Like any of the kids' toys or the loveseats DH and I got as our first things together. They need to go because we have no room and new furniture, but still. I think I have attachment issues. :/

    But it gets hard when DH isn't around and can't call me. It gets hard when I feel like I try to open up to a few people and then they kinda ignore it.

    I just need to vent a lot of times, but there are other times when I just well up and cry. Like now! Ha, I'm actually holding back tears a lot lately. (sigh)

    I actually have also been having a hard time accepting that I may never have another baby. DH says he's done and since then I have just wanted to cry because I do want another. I dunno if that helped trigger something. There's so much though that just seems to trigger things.

    I hate trying to make friends because it seems like a lot of people out here judge and cause drama, which ha makes me cry! There are groups I've started to participate on, but I think it's more just so I have some adult contact, ya know? Not really people to hang out with...I'm just not much of a people person.


    Katie and Tyler: 04/13/2010
    Isabelle Elaine: 10/07/2005
    Lorelei Evelyn: 11/01/2009
    Desmond Jensen: 03/23/2012
    Juno Ezra: 10/31/2013

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    Posting Addict mom2robbie's Avatar
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    I can relate is a lot of ways. I have suffered from depression for almost 20 years. I was first diagnosed when I was 25 but I actually think that it started a lot earlier. When I was pregnant with my son I had a lot of complications due to gall stones. We was a preemie and that made breast feeding difficult. I had surgery when he was 9 days old and had further complications due to my liver taking a long time to function again. As I got sicker I became more and more depressed. I had wanted to be a mom since I was little, I had overcome infertility and had a sweet baby boy and I couldn't take care of him.

    It really was no surprise when I saw my doctor and said that I was pretty sure I had PPD. My OB, surgeon, family doctor, everyone was just waiting for it to happen. They upped my anti-depressants and told me to give up trying to breast feed. I cried for months. Winter came and we live in an area where -30C is common in the winter. We did not have a car so I had to walk or take the bus, not easy to do when your baby is still tiny (at his first birthday Robbie weighed 17lbs) and it is freezing.

    I finally started forcing myself to walk to the library (5 blocks away) just to get out of the house while DH was at work. I would sit and feed Robbie and flip through magazines. I didn't talk to anyone but it was better then being at home all the time.

    I also spend money when I am depressed. I have gotten myself into trouble in the past spending too much.

    I second trying to find support in some way. If you can get some counselling that would be good, even to talk to someone over the phone can help. Try and get out, if you can get a baby sitter even for 30 minutes while you take a walk can help.

    If you want I can send you my email (just PM me).

    I don't know how you military wives do it, I can barely function with one child (who is in school full day) and a DH who is here to help.

    Hugs!
    Margaret (44)
    Sean (38 )
    Robbie (8 )
    Bailey (April 2, 2011)


    "The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." Caroline Myss

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    Community Host Jenni Beth's Avatar
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    Margaret is so right on with getting out of the house. It is so important to get out or at least set a goal of one thing you want to accomplish each day and then build on it. Depression can be very debilitating. You have to take baby steps and seek help.
    Jen
    Married to my love, M.
    Hostess with the mostest: November 2011 & High Risk Pregnancy
    DS Carter 10/25/2011

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    Prolific Poster KET_2010's Avatar
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    I've been trying to motivate myself to go for walks. But then my 6 year old complains about how "far" it is (lol). I've been trying to limit how much I've been buying and it's sort of working. I've got exercise stuff that is nice. But at the same time I'm hating how cluttered the livingroom is. I have to wait for DH to get home though because he can move the stuff better than me.

    I think I'll start feeling just a little better once he gets home because then I'll feel like I have a real friend again (ha how pathetic do I sound). I always knew it would be hard when he was away but it just seems so much worse now. I get angry and then I cry because I'm angry and don't want to be. My 2 year old has really been testing me, but the good thing is, instead of spanking her I just pick her up and put her in her room which is sooooooooooooooooo much more effective than spanking (DH believes in spanking and I do only with certain things such as when she threw oatmeal all over and kicked it around when I told her to put her bowl in the sink...but it's also not like I spank hard...does that make sense).

    I love all of my kids but when I feel like this I feel horrible. I feel like I even isolate myself from them at times during the day. And I'm so tired all the time yet I can hardly fall asleep at night. I hate myself most times lately and then I try to just play stuff off. Sometimes I feel like DH is the only one who can hold me together.

    Back in HS I was on anti depressants but I HATED how it made me feel numb all the time. I just dunno. I have a lot of ups and downs a lot but I feel like I can't talk to an actual dr. When I did in HS my mom made me go to a family one so she would be in there. Then she sent me to a different one for an evaluation and when they said I was having panic attacks my mom got mad and put me on anti depressants. Then I got pregnant with my now 6 year old. Then I went to another and was on medicine (Zoloft I think) and I really started feeling numb and hated it so I stopped taking it for a while. Then I felt better and then I had my 2nd daughter. Then DH went to boot camp and his family tried to pretty much destroy me (lol LONG story there!) and then when we moved out here I really started doing better because I was away from everyone. It was lonely yes. During deployment last year I had a m/c and it really sucked but I had one friend (she moved now to Japan). Then I made the one friend who now has ditched me because all the other wives around her enjoy partying and I don't. Funny because when I met her she and her husband enjoyed staying in playing board games but now they party and get drunk with all the others (who are mothers to 3-4 month olds and they just have the kids in bouncers and swings near them while everyone gets drunk BTW). And the one time I think maybe I could have her back as a friend because everyone else left while our husbands are gone, she's always "too sick" or "too tired" for me. Would it be wrong to pretty much say screw you when the husbands get back and hers wants to hang out with mine? Not that I think they will (because something always happens, whether it's them "forgetting" or not answering the phone or even the day they plan to hang out my DH suddenly has duty which her husband is the one who makes the duty sheets...) I know it's petty for me but my mind is racing all the time...

    Sorry. I need to vent. I feel like I have no one. At times I'm just not even sure if this is PPD or me just being dumb. I know I cry a lot more. I know I'm angry more. I know I feel unsteady. I just wish I at least knew when he would be home again


    Katie and Tyler: 04/13/2010
    Isabelle Elaine: 10/07/2005
    Lorelei Evelyn: 11/01/2009
    Desmond Jensen: 03/23/2012
    Juno Ezra: 10/31/2013

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    Community Host Jenni Beth's Avatar
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    There are a lot of anti depressant medications out there. You and your doctor can work together to find out which one is the best for you. I had the best results on Paxil. I was on Prozac when I was pregnant and then Zoloft when I was bfing and still am on Zoloft now. Every one is different and reacts differently to medications.

    I can't stress enough how important it is to get yourself outside and in the sunshine. Not only do you need some Vitamin D from the sun, but the actual sun light helps your mood. Get out with the kids and draw with side walk chalk, throw water balloons, play corn hole, have a picnic in the yard etc. Even if it is only for 15-20 min.

    Right after I delivered and I noticed I was getting into a slump I made myself open all the blinds in the house to let in the sunshine. That helped lift my spirits a lot.

    I know when you are depressed it is so hard to make even one tiny step but you need to set a goal for yourself and build on that. It DOES get better.

    As far as your military wife friends...I don't really know what to say. If they are the way you say they are I wouldn't want to associate with them. Like you, I am not interested in getting drunk and partying so being in an environment like that would only cause me to make mistakes that would bring me back down. I think you are wise in avoiding that.

    Do you have a library or park near by? If you start going regularly to story hour or playing in the park you will meet other moms. I tell you where you won't meet friends and that is in your house. You have to get out of there! You can do it!!!!! Get motivated and take that first step!!!!
    Jen
    Married to my love, M.
    Hostess with the mostest: November 2011 & High Risk Pregnancy
    DS Carter 10/25/2011

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    Posting Addict mom2robbie's Avatar
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    I am on Effexor and wellbutrin. I don't find they make me feel numb, I am able to control my moods better. Right now my mom is in palliative care, we thought the end was coming 2 weeks ago but she is being stubborn and holding on. I find that I am crying a lot (no surprise, my mom is dying) but the crying is not getting out of control.

    I don't think I would want to hang out with that group if they are getting drunk with young babies. I am not into partying either, but I am a bit older do so I have out grown all that.

    I agree with Jen, get outside with the kids. We are pretty far north so this time of year we have about 18 hours of sun which helps my mood a lot, in the winter I get really depressed.

    Hugs and don't worry about venting.
    Margaret (44)
    Sean (38 )
    Robbie (8 )
    Bailey (April 2, 2011)


    "The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." Caroline Myss

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    Prolific Poster KET_2010's Avatar
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    I'm so irritated, so tired, so sad, so...everything right now. I hate how I'm feeling.

    DH got back from training on the 23rd really late at night. DD2 had been having possible night terrors or nightmares or something where she would run from her room screaming for me. She did it that night and my DH made me leave the room for her to scream alone in it. It broke my heart. I hate when he does that. If she gets up and he happens to get up with me too he will literally stand over me as I'm trying to comfort her which I know is upsetting to her. Then last week our "friends" wanted to borrow an expensive video game from us. These are the ones who were suppose to be good friends but only drink and what not. Well the wife is pregnant now so they're "not going to party" now (rolls eyes). Anyway, well they seem to only want something to do with us when they want something (borrow our movies, borrow our expensive vacuum, borrow $500, etc). DH texted me asking if they could borrow the game since it was my game. I kept trying to hint for him to find a way out of it because they only wanted to borrow the game so they could take it to their get togethers with all the other people they drink with and play it with them. I told my husband this. And my he kept trying to tell the husband this his response was "What now we can't even borrow a game?" or "What now she makes all the rules, what are you having problems with us?" or something stupid. So to avoid them causing drama with me, DH lent them my game. It just makes me mad because they will borrow MY game and not even invite me to any get togethers. And it hurts my feelings.

    Then DH comes in and makes a huge mess and keeps saying he's gonna clean it and never does. For example, we have an agreement that if I cook he does dishes. Last night he wanted to stay up longer watching youtube stuff. So I went and showered and went to bed. DS got up at 130 so I nursed him and DH actually got up with me and patted him to sleep (he is all for CIO but we got into a huge fight about that) and then DD2 was up at 330 upset and when I went to put her to sleep and saw that all the lights in the house were still on and the kitchen is a disaster because DH decided to watch youtube videos (which BTW he had blasting and woke up DS) and then just go to bed. UGH!
    The CIO thing, he thinks our 3 month old needs to self soothe. The other day I was gone maybe 2 hours and DH made him CIO twice. I was so mad. He claims that his method works because it wears him out more and he sleeps better. I told him he is way too young to do that and I wasn't going to let him do it. He got mad and said fine he would let me do all the kid stuff all by myself. I told him fine. But the past few days he's been patting DS to sleep and not letting him CIO so I think I got through to him on that one. He has this weird thing that he thinks DS is trying to "control" us. This goes all the way back to his family and how he was raised because they do try to control each other...one of the many reasons we don't have contact with them.

    I just feel useless. I get these little bursts of energy and then suddenly I crash and don't want to do anything but sleep. But I can't sleep because if I lay down the kids always need me. DS is refusing the bottle too so it's all me lol. Yesterday I was nursing DS at 600 and I just crashed and fell asleep while nursing him sitting up ha. We woke up at 7 because DS fell asleep too (maybe) and DH actually told me that he let me get a nap...dunno if that really counts since I swear he was nursing at the same time ha ha. I dunno...

    This whole week I've been going through all of our stuff and labling it for a garage sale tomorrow. DH has been playing video games. Literally all day long. Yes he will work out. Yes he will clean a little. But he's just been playing them so much. and if I say something he gets offended at times because he needs to unwind too (which I understand since his job is stressful).

    Whenever I think about this stuff I wanna cry. The people at the Naval hospital told me they're not worried about me having PPD unless I want to hurt myself or my kids. But I've heard of a girl who had bad PPD and the drs ignored it and she got so bad they locked her up for like a week or something. She said it was tramatic and she's afraid of what's going to happen after number 2 is born. Granted I'm not THAT bad but I do still find myself wanting to cry a lot.

    (sigh) That's what's going on with me. I dunno what to do since I had to lie to the dr just to get on the mini pill and even then she didn't want to prescribe it to me. I dunno what all I would have to do to get on PPD medicine. But I may look in to it since I've been feeling so crappy.

    Oh and you ladies said to at least open the blinds and stuff, ha I always open them. I think the kids enjoy looking out too...it's DH who keeps them closed ha (he sees a glare on the TV and it bothers him)!


    Katie and Tyler: 04/13/2010
    Isabelle Elaine: 10/07/2005
    Lorelei Evelyn: 11/01/2009
    Desmond Jensen: 03/23/2012
    Juno Ezra: 10/31/2013

  10. #10
    Mega Poster glwolf's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry you are going thru all this! I had PPD bad after my son was born. I was nervous all the time and couldn't calm down. I took them to the library everyday just to get out of my house since we lived in Ohio and the snow was so bad I couldn't really go anywhere. I remember it was stressful for me to hold him and my inlaws came over for a month to help out. They now tell everyone it was 4 months but it was only a month. I was also having panic attacks and couldn't sleep at all because of them. It got really bad. They put me on zoloft and I felt so much better. I stayed on it for about 3 years and I am going to go back on it at the end of this pregnancy cuz i don't want to risk having PPD again. Try to see if you can get zoloft, it's so great cuz it just evens out your mood and you will be able to handle things better. and don't think you will have to be on it forever, I went off and on it a couple times now. I hope you can get something to help you feel better. It doesn't sound like DH is being too helpful which is also causing stress and I'm sorry about that! Oh and with the CIO thing, you need to do what you think is best for your kids and when DH is gone and then comes back and tries to change everything that's not ok. I think it's great you are letting him know that you are in charge of that stuff and he is in charge of his job... he can't go away for 6 months and then come back and expect to be in charge of the house that you have been running all that time. Good luck to you! I can't imagine how difficult it is to be a military wife but you will get through it! Just remember the old saying, "this too shall pass"
    Gina & Rob 6/3/00

    Proud Mom of Alyssa 11/19/04 and Logan 9/4/07





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