Okay this is going to be long, but I need to get it out. My DH isn't home, he won't be back until the end of June (military training). I just feel so overwhelmed with stuff. I sometimes feel like I can't function. But then again I can. I have 3 kids and I love them so much. However my temper has been very short. Esp with DD2, Lorelei. She has been nonstop throwing fits lately and I just yell at her and expect her to do everything I tell her. She won't listen to me though. She listens to my DH though and if she doesn't all he has to do is stand up and she'll do it. It's not like we abuse our kids either. They get the occasional spank (for example Lorelei decided she didn't like me laying on the couch so she threw oatmeal all over the floor and came to hit me in the face. I gave her a few warnings before I did finally spank her, but only because she kept kicking the oatmeal all over.) The kids are really good overall, but of course my two older ones bicker lol. And DD1, Isabelle, gets Lorelei to wake me up in the mornings because she wants to eat. It wouldn't bother me if she didn't do this every day when she knows we don't do breakfast until 8-8:30. (sigh)
I feel like I have all this energy one minute and then I'll begin doing stuff, and then suddenly run out of momentum and just quit, sit on the couch, and look at stuff online people are selling (lol). It's gotten bad since DH, Tyler, left. I look at what I want to buy and then if I can get a good price on the item, I'll go buy it. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I spend $100s. And I'm selling things as well that he has been wanting me to get rid of. So, it does actually even out. I realized though, that I like to buy things and go pick them up because it gives me a change to have adult interaction. There have been a few ladies I didn't want to leave because they were so nice (of course these were higher ranking guys' wives so since we're low ranking we're not suppose to socialize really...dumb).
I don't really have any friends outside Tyler. Lol sounds pathetic but it's true. I use to have a really good friend, Cassie, but then she and her husband got into the partying scene and Tyler and I aren't into that kind of stuff. Neither of us actually drink. Then when all of our husbands went to training, all the wives were going back home (the ones I know) and then Cassie found out she's pregnant again and decided it'd be better money wise to stay home. She said we would hang out a lot blah blah blah, but it makes me feel like I'm just a backup plan. She didn't even tell me she was pregnant. She announced it on Facebook after telling all of her "Good friends" (as she said on FB). I just...I hate feeling like this. For example, I asked if she could watch my kids today so I could run pick something up (a couch) and she said sure but then I ended up not getting the couch and I told her that and instead we could just hang out, and she changed it to she was feeling too sick to do anything (same excuse she used yesterday). I get that she has morning sickness and is exhausted, but I know if all the other wives were here she'd hang out with them all the time. It just hurts my feelings they don't invite me to go to the park with their kids or anything.
I just feel lonely all the time, even though I have the kids with me. I cry at a bunch of stupid stuff, for example when they announced the end of a show coming up, or even just me thinking of something stupid!
I was told by the dr I have PPD but they said they're not worried about it unless I fear hurting myself or my kids. WTH. They suck at Naval Hospital. They won't listen to me either about my BC pills. I don't want the hormonal kind, I want the mini pill and they've refused to give it to me because according to them there aren't any studies showing hormonal BC decreases breastmilk. So I'm refusing to take it and when I go in at the end of the month I'll lie to them about side effects.
I feel like I have no one to talk to and if I do start talking that I talk too much and complain too much or whatever. I dunno what to do or think or feel. I want to curl up and cry but I won't in front of my kids. And to make matters worse, I've gotten my period 3 times in 4 weeks!!! So that's throwing me all outta whack too!
If anyone has gotten this far, I applaud you. I just needed to vent, rant, etc, and I honestly think a lot of what I'm feeling has to do with PPD.