Finally introducing myself
Hi, my name is Kim, and I am a 36 year old first time mom. I adore my 9.5 month old son, Noah, and I have an extremely supportive and patient husband, Darren. I had a great pregnancy and a planned natural childbirth. Even still, I have PPD.
I should have known something was amiss when I would have thoughts in my mind like "I hate my life" and "I've ruined my life" during those first 6 weeks. I was more than overwhelmed, I was drowning... It was so so very hard for me, but I thought it was that hard for every mom. I now know that it is a different level of hard for the PPD mom. While my other mommy friends popped out of their baby blues and right into enjoying mommyhood, I was still a mess and in survival mode :(
I remember people asking me "don't you just LOOOOVE being a mom?" And all I could say is "I love Noah, but I don't love being a mom yet". I said that for the first few months, and still can't say that I am fully loving being a mom still at 9.5 months.
I was diagnosed with PPD at 5 months and took zoloft from oct - december only to have it give me really long crazy dreams that caused me to wake up exhausted. So I weaned off of zoloft and began my search for an experienced Psychologist. I have recently found one who specializes in PPD and have just started taking Wellbutrin through a psychiatrist who also speciallizes in PPD.
This time has been the most isolating and darkest time I have experienced to date. And it is so very sad that it is happening at the same time my little boy is growing up... Only those who have this illness "get it" and those that think they get it but really don't get on my nerves... "oh Kim all mom's feel guilt, all mom's feel overwhelmed, etc. etc." I guarantee if they walked in my shoes with the subtle dread that met me every morning they would have to agree that it is NOT the same.
I went from being a strong, competent, capable pastor to a broken, weak, incompetent (in my mind), mess... Only my faith has given me hope as I know that when we feel broken down, God will be there to build us up. Because I am in ministry I will have a platform to help as many other women through this as I can once I get through it. For someone who has never struggled with depression, this thing has rocked my world. Negative, depressed and angry were words I would never attribute to myself until now.
anyhow, I'm writing a novel! basically I'm fighting this thing and I"m glad to find support here online :) Thanks for listening...
Married to Darren since 7/03
Noah born 5/06