I am so glad that you have had the courage to post. Your experience is so much like mine that I can definately relate. I think, often times when you have such a difficult pregnancy, labor, and delivery it is harder to adjust and makes the PPD more intense. The good thing is that you realize that you need help. Now the tough part is the asking for it. It is so important to have a positive support system, maybe you can talk with your DH and he can even go to your check up with you to discuss the PPD. I'll say a prayer for you that God will give you the courage to ask for help---we are here for you anytime you need us! :bigarmhug: KUP!
Hi everyone :)
I'm Melinda, and I had my first son in February 2006. Not too long after I started experiencing my first symptom...feeling like I couldn't do anything right, like a complete failure. I can remember getting into huge fights with my DH because he would make a small comment and I read it as him pointing out that I was doing everything wrong. It went from that to worrying obsessively about things like what would happen if I felll down the stairs while home alone with my son. I would think about him sitting in his infant swing crying all day until my DH came home. Things like that. It was horrible, and I couldn't control it. When he was 6 months old I finally had enough and called my doctor. She had me come in that afternoon, and I was so scared that they would take my son away (I knew that wouldn't happen, but it still crossed my mind!). She was great though, and I ended up going on Wellbutrin XL. I was on it for about 9 months, and I would say that I feel about 95% back to normal. I think the other 5% is just me being me though :wink:
I really wish that I had found this board this time last year. I felt so alone...like if i told anyone what I was feeling that they would take my son away and label me a horrible mom. Of course I know now that it wouldn't have happened, but I think it's hard to think as rationally as you normally would when you have PPD.
Welcome to the board, Melinda. I can relate so much to your thoughts. I often have wondered if something happened to me what would happen to my sons. So scary. PPD can definately make us question everything we say, do, or think. It sounds like you have come a long way and I am sure that you offer a lot of knowledge to the board. Jump right in and post if you can! We are very glad to have you!
Hello, i'm new on this forum, i've been skulking for a couple of days and have posted elsewhere over the past few weeks on this site....
I dont expect anyone wll especially read this, but this will be cathartic all the same.
There is so much more to this story, as im sure it true with us all. Nothing i could describe could give justice to what i have been through. Just imagine the events inbetween.
Anyway. Im 29 (ouch) and single. I have been since i was pregnant. My son is 2 in August. BD and I were together a few months and living together when we got pregnant. I live now 70 miles from BD, after leaving when Izaac was 4 months old, under a cloud.
I asked BD to move out, temporarily at the time, when i was 9 weeks preggas after i realised early on he wasn't putting me first at all and wasnt committed.He never moved back in again, although we got back together later in my pregnancy. I was antinatally depressed during my pregnancy, very lonely, and extremely unhappy, unsupported and treated miserably by him. He just wouldnt be honest and own up to not wanting me/the baby...I knew deep down he didnt as what he said and what he did for me didnt add up....the truth has since come out.
I was very poorly after the birth and had several infections, couldnt walk for 5+ weeks, so had to return to my parent's home a long away from BD until 8 weeks post birth. A fact which x and his family never acknowledged and never believed at the time.
My bonding with Izaac suffered, but I knew i wanted to breastfeed him in order to give him something good out of such a mess, and because i didnt want x ruining my desire to BF anyway. i decided not to take tablets when i realised i was not enjoying Izaac and was still so unhappy(when he was 8 months old and i couldnt cope anymore without screaming for help), so instead sought counselling which came 7 MONTHS later.
I was meant to start Midwifery training last September but i have delayed starting until this year. I have spent this year trying to come to terms with the great deal of trauma i have been through with my x and all that came with this experience of having a baby under these circumstances, and his treatment of us both since. At xmas i weighed in at just over 7 stone, and i am 5'7 nearly. I literally had the runs everytime i dealt with him and his mother. My body went into shutdown, after months of bad experiences with them both. I stopped BF Izaac at the beg of December last year.
I now have lodgers (old friends) who make me eat and my mum is and always has been incredible. With their support i am regaining my emotional and physical health. Although my lodgers are married, and not easy to live with, not contributing enough etc - its hard listening to them argue, i just dont need it around me. I have been apart from my oldest sister due to her saying i should get rid of the baby - i was confused. I told her X was messing about, she siad it'd all end in tears. And it did, but i didnt want to discuss it with her, i had enough going on.....Izaac was 20 months before he met his auntie. Ironic really - she wouldve helped me through a great deal - she had post nantal depression after twins. But we are now back in contact and i look forward to her seeing me as a mother, not a little sister - i new phase, a new identity.
I feel i am now ready to face other women, babies, happiness for them and sadness for them, and the huge workload and sacrifice of time away from my son that studying full time entails. I resent having to make such a sacrifice, i blame my x, rightly so, he let me down and my son, big time, but i know i have to be proactive about our future now.... we need money - i have a place on a course - the chance of a career to provide for him - gotta get on with it. I also hope i am better qalified to empathise with women in similar circumstances.
As for Izaac, now that we are out of the baby, knackering, dependant, stage, i have discovered i have a new friend and i like it :D Im beginning to like me and am proud of what i have survived, on my better days lol. I was desperate for a girl, knew that a boy would suffer much moer than a girl by not having a father figure. I let a sister know the sex at a scan, she let it slip, i knew he was a boy but didnt ask her to confirm what she'd siad, i didnt want to definately know. I was is denial, although funnily enough I LUURRRRRVED being pregnant, i think it's facinating and wonderful. I just feel INCREDIBLY cheated of my special time and my happiness. i still find it hard to say I LOVE MY SON and to his face, but i am determined to get over this and for him not to feel my feelings of injustice and pain. I want to love him, i think i do, it's a complicated thing, right? am extremely protective of him, always have been, it the love part that is frightening. He also looks like me, and as my x is in my opinion very attractive with striking family features, im upset DS doesnt have a link to his dad that way, ex is very proud of his looks too, and Izaac just isnt like him. He also doesnt have his surname - a last month deliberation of my pregnancy, a decision which has caused more guilt to deal with. However, me and my boy are getting there.
My ex has just moved in with an old friend of his from before he met me, they came this weekend to drop off my son, together. Never met her properly (she was the first person he told i might be pregnant tho, ouch) and this was the first time i saw them together. Another hurdle over. Although i am grieving, feel guilty about it all, and jealous, i also feel a bit sorry for x's current girlfriend, and know that he can't and won't change, easily at least,b/c if not for his son, then he'll prat her about too....eventually.....more fool her, she's more patient and more of a doormat....until SHE gets pregnant, which may happen one day.
I am still not taking tablets, but recently i started St Johns Wort just to get me though the lows when they hit. I'll see how that goes. I only had 3 sessions of counselling. Igave up when i started seeing an aquaintance of x's (also x's present girlfriend's ex of 11 years - another story) That set me back, but i didnt really fancy him much in the end .... and although i was cross with myself and embarrassed about losing my integrity after working so hard to maintain dignity throughout with my ex from the start.......im better, i see it for what it was and know i was very vulnerable and needing affection. And used by this other guy to hurt his x, and my x. They are all friends with him, and my ex has charmed all his friends back around. Non of them know what he has really done, said, promised, lied about, hurt, and abused.
I great anger and hurt has been that my x robbed me off my choice to go it alone, get used to being a single parent when pregnant. It was unplanned - but he refutes this to other people, he says i engineered it. Easy words to say when you have a victim mentality. He kept me hanging during the pregnancy and up until he started seeing his girlfriend. I just wish id had the chance to come to terms with him not being interested instead of him doing just enough, then backing away, then reeling me in, then letting me down. I was spinning with torment and total confusion.
I still have overwhelming feelings of loss, and still cross im alone and have had to face the responsibility of parenthood when he never did, and i'm terrible grief strikken, BUT I really want to start living. i feel that this particular forum will be a great support for me as i try to move on with my life. I hope that i can be as supportive and positive as i expect you all will be as time ticks on.
Thanks for getting this far :)
Hello izaacsmommy! Welcome to the board! I'm so glad you've found us. I read every word of your post and want you to know that we are here for you!
I share a very similar story, actually....became pregnant when I was single & 27. The father wanted nothing to do with me or my child and I went it alone... w/ the support of my family. I, too, wanted a girl but got a boy. He's going to be 10 years old this Summer and is the absolute LOVE of my life. For seven years (until my sweet girl came along) we were best buddies. Now he has to share me w/ his sister! ;)
You sound like you are getting to that place where you need to be in order to move on with your life. It sounds like you are ready. Be prepared for a few setbacks along the way....that doesn't mean you're weak or anything like that, it just means you're normal. I'm glad you've renewed your relationship w/ you sister. She may be a great support for you. I hope you can lean on your family & friends.
It takes a long time to get over a relationship. Every now and then I still think about it and it's been over 10 years. This will make you sooo much stronger. You will never again let a man hurt you like that. Believe me.
Please post whenever you feel up to it & let us know how you're doing w/ St. John's Wort.
Hi Everyone...I am Rochelle (23) I have been lurking on here for a few weeks and after talking with my doctor yesterday realized I need more support to get through this. I am so down constantly. I cant find the motivation to clean the house, shower, go for walks, or even talk with my friends. All I want to do is lay around and cry over nothing.
I had a pretty normal pregnancy but a long labor and ended up in a c/s. None of which I feel plays much of a part in my depression. I am married to a wonderful man with a wonderful heart but he works ALOT. In fact he works about 11 hour days and 30 hours straight every 3 nights. It doesnt help that I tend to be a lonely person anyway living in a new town with no friends around. I had some mild depression when I was in college and I think that these really play a role in my mood.
No one knows about my depression except my doctor and my husband. My mom always made comments before I delivered like "how could you be depressed with such a wonderful baby to care for". So I am not even going to go there with her. None of my friends could understand either. They are all single and have NO plans of having children anytime soon so I dont think they would even care! It makes it really hard sometimes.
I am taking Lexapro (as of yesterday) so I dont know how it is working yet...but I hope and pray that it will help me get back to myself.
Welcome to the board, Rochelle. I can relate very much to your story. I am a very private person, so very few of my family/friends have any idea that I have battled PPD. It sounds like you are taking all the right steps by talking with your doctor and beginning the Lexapro. I know of several ladies who have had wonderful results on Lexapro and I hope that you will see some progress really soon. I know it is so hard to see right now, but things WILL get better. It is also, so important to have a support system. We are always here for you but it is also good to have the support of your DH. Keep the communication with him open--be sure to let him know how you feel. Sometimes our DH's can be the best tool to winning the PPD battle. KUP on your progress...we are here if you need us.
Hi & welcome to the board! I can sympathize w/ the whole new town thing. I moved here just before giving birth to Anna. It was really hard. Things will get better....give it time. Try to force yourself to get out there & do things with some of your friends. It'll make you feel better, I promise.
I am new here
hi, i am new here.
i gave birth to my beautiful DS-kyle in Jan. i had a very easy pregnancy and very fast delivery(first time mom, only last 2 hrs) though my body took a toll, had big hemroids.. . but look at him, it is all worth it...
I was fine for the first 6 wks even 2 months after delivery, even i knew i was sleep deprived... I was a very active and outgoing person. I took a leave without pay from work just want to take better care of him. He was quite colicky... anyhow, i started having trouble fall asleep. Called my OB, they prescribed some Ambien, it worked for the first few nights... i was afraid of taking meds, especially for the brain... i guess the anxiety was so high, every night i was afraid of that I won't be able to sleep even before i went to bed... gradually, i started having panic attack... DH was a very loving guy, he could not felt how I feel, tell me to hang on and relax... i was afraid of him leaving for work everyday, and was counting hours... felt lonely and isolated... wondering if i could take care of my own child even i was a confident person.
I was worried about my condition, went to a psychiatrist, he told me i am too anxious, prescribed xanax and ambien cr. i took 'em, just had such mood swing from day to day. And the date for me to go back to work approaching, I didnot see much improvement... i went to psychotherapy, the therapist said i had lots of anxiety and some depression, suggested talk to the md again... i switched a psychiatrist, he seemed pretty patient and listened to the whole story.. prescribed lexapro... and explained to me how it worked and tell me to do breathing exercise... I hope it will work... reading the board give me hope, i am not alone out there, and this condition will improve... it is a matter of time and adjustment!
I'm Donna and I have a 9 month old baby girl and a 3 year old boy. I had post partum after my first child and used zoloft and trazadone until I got pregnant again. Now I'm on cymbalta, and various other drugs, was in the hospital 2 weeks recently and I'm feeling quite hopeless. I don't like being on meds and my doc is now talking ECT. The only 2 options left are changing anti depressants or ECT. I have a very supportive husband and I really just want myself back. This is not me and I feel so lost and sad.