*UPDATED What should I do with my baby? (caution:very graphic,may be TMI)

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
*UPDATED What should I do with my baby? (caution:very graphic,may be TMI)

*UPDATE: Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and advice on this sensitive subject. DH and I decided to put the remains in our garden and plant some bulbs on top that will bloom this time of year. When I see the flowers bloom each year, it will be a lovely reminder of the little one we loved so much.

I posted earlier about bleeding, and unfortunately I ended up losing the baby yesterday. Sorry if TMI, but the baby and sac came out totally in tact. I called my insurance company to see if they would cover the cost of chromosomal testing, and they said since the test is not for me, and the baby is not a covered a member, it would not be covered.
Right now the baby is in a cup in our refrigerator, and DH and I are struggling with what to do with it. I can't just throw it away or flush it down the toilet - it has arms and legs and beautiful little eyes, and I just saw the heart beating 2 days ago. A proper grave doesn't seem appropriate either. I'm thinking about putting it in a flower pot and planting some flowers, or putting it in the ground with a rose bush or tree. DH isn't sure he wants a constant reminder of our loss, but to me it seems like the little life will continue on by nourishing a plant or tree.
Has anyone else struggled with this situation? I appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I struggled with that as well. Of course, I had a D&E, but I still struggled with what to do with the remains. Maybe not a proper burial, but I think bury the baby and planting a tree or rosebush is a fantastic idea. It hurts now, to think of a constant reminder, but it won't seem like that when the loss doesn't sting quite as much. Perhaps waiting until a time when you both are ready to have something to memorialize your baby. I feel certain you will both get there, eventually. I knew RIGHT away I wanted the tattoo, but it took me a month to actually go through with putting that "constant reminder" on my body. DH hates tattoos and as much as admitted he likes it. I finally got to a place with my pain that I WANTED desperately something that reminded me of the child we lost. I think you and your DH will get there when the pain isn't so raw anymore.

troynicole's picture
Joined: 12/06/07
Posts: 151

I am so sorry for your loss...i think burying it and planting a tree is a great idea too. In the future it will be a place you can go to remember the baby and I think it could also be a way to help you get through this rough time. I'm sure it would be hard looking at it first, but as time goes on perhaps it would be comforting to you.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I work at a cemetery and we had a woman recently call us about burying a 7 week old m/c. I"m sorry, I don't know how else to put it.
But we buried it and she came out and said a prayer I think. Have you checked with local cemeteries to see if they offer any sort of burial for babies?
I also like your tree idea. a way of life continuing.

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

I am so terribly sorry for your loss

I agree with the PP, I think a rose bush or tree would be special.

Also, just as an idea, my hospital has a group burial for babies every 6 months or so (they call it the Garden of Angels), you may be able to find something like that in your area.

Joined: 11/13/06
Posts: 161

I think that burying it or planting a tree is a wonderful idea. I had an ectopic and there were no remains. That was actually one of the hardest things for me, that I had nothing tangible. I had never even heard the heartbeat. Sometimes I felt like the pregnancy was all in my head with nothing but medical bills to remember it by. Of course, your situation would be at least as traumatic but it's hard either way. I, too, understand that it would be healing for months and years to come to do something meaningful like a burial of some kind. You'll need that someday. As for me, even though there was nothing to keep, my husband and I ordered an engraved river rock from the internet. We put that in our garden. I love it because it's simple and we can take it with us if we move houses. It brings me so much comfort even now that it's been several months since our loss.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I think that the tree/flower idea is a perfect one. It is a way of affirming and honoring the short life your child had. It was a simple decision for me as my loss occurred a lot later. I hope that you find the right decision that is best for you and your husband.


Joined: 07/27/06
Posts: 722

Oh hun, that is so sad! I think your idea about the tree is perfect. As the tree grows it will always remind you of your baby! Im so sorry.

twinsand1+preg!'s picture
Joined: 03/20/07
Posts: 4

I am so so sorry you are going through this. I had my first and only mc last April and like you did not know what to do with the remains of my little angel (9 wks.). There was no way I could just flush it or throw it out. I, too, held on to it until I decided. I finally placed it in a tiny wooden box with a note from me and buried it beneath a tree that my family purchased for me. When the guys from the nursery came to plant the tree, I asked them to come and get me after they dug the hole and before they planted the tree. I put the box in the hole and said a prayer. The men then planted the tree. Whenever I am thinking about my angel, I look out at my tree. It is a happy memorial for me. I can't ever change what happened, but am happy with the decision that I made. I hope you too can find something that works for you and gives you peace during a very difficult time. Kim

Blaze04's picture
Joined: 12/24/07
Posts: 1


Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Call your local hospital and speak with the NICU. My SIL lost twins and they had a funeral home creamate the babies for free. They bought plots for both her and my brother and buried them in what will be my brother's plot. They figure she carried them for 24 weeks he would "carry" them forever.
I'm sorry for your loss.

jes23's picture
Joined: 08/08/07
Posts: 36

Planting in the garden sounds like a good idea.
I'm sorry for your loss.


Joined: 05/04/06
Posts: 250

I'm glad you and DH were able to agree. It sounds like a beautiful idea.