5 Easters ago...

I was almost 7 weeks pregnant. It was the day after my first son's 2nd birthday party. The day after we made the big announcement to the family that Jacob was going to be a big brother.

5 years ago Easter changed forever for me.

Saturday, April 15th, 2006. I went to the bathroom before bed and found a little spotting when I wiped. I was calm. I knew this could be normal and I was gonna keep an eye on it and call the doctor first thing Monday morning. I went to bed. All night I dreamt that I was having a miscarriage. It wasn't a painful dream for some reason. It was peaceful and almost like God was telling me everything was okay. Almost like I was being prepared for what was going to happen.

Easter Sunday, April 16th, 2006. I woke up and walked normally to the bathroom. I did not notice any bleeding while I walked, but as soon as I sat on the toilet, I felt the gush and knew I was losing the baby. I made my way back to my bed and told my husband that I was bleeding and that I was certain I was losing the baby. I called my birthing coach, who convinced me to call my OB. I called the OB and the OB was sure I was miscarrying as well, but told me to come in first thing Monday morning for an ultrasound. I called my family to cancel my Easter plans and asked my mother to watch my first son while I went for the ultrasound. Then I stayed in bed all day.

April 17th. I woke up and made my way to the OB's office for my ultrasound to confirm the loss. My birthing coach met me there for moral support. I was called back for the ultrasound almost immediately. The OB started the ultrasound and said "Well, I see a sac, an embryo, but no heartbeat." She called it a "doomed pregnancy" and offered me a pill to speed the expulsion along. I was shocked. I was devastated. I looked at her and said "um, no." Then she gave me the second option, to schedule a D&C. Again, shocked by the suggestion I said no. Then the third option was offered. We could wait a week and see what happened. This seemed like a no-brainer to me. I knew in the back of my head that it just might have been too early in the pregnancy for a heartbeat to have been seen on the ultrasound, so I took that option and I left.

I called in to work for the whole week, and was told that they no longer needed me. I was officially let go. Since I was still in the 60 day probationary period at the company, I knew they didn't have to give reason. I also knew that I was a much needed employee and they simply couldn't make it the whole week without me there. I chose to let this one go and I focused on attempting to make it through the week with a baby still in utero.

I prayed. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed for the doctor to prove this OB wrong. I prayed for revenge against her lack of bed-side manner. My prayers, however were not answered.

The following week I went in for my follow up ultrasound. The news was not what I wanted to hear. After all, I had no cramping at all, and the bleeding had all but stopped by now. The OB began the ultrasound and then proclaimed "the uterus is empty". I cried. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted my miracle. I left the office in tears. I was given no comfort by the doctor or her nurses. I was offered no information on what to expect, only a non comforting "do you have any questions?". I was in shock, so I said "no".

I was angry. I wanted nothing more than to hurry up and get pregnant again. I wanted that baby back. While my miscarriage was physically painless, the emotional torment that I went through was horrible. To this day I can put myself back in that same emotional state so easily.

While I know it was not my fault and there was nothing that could have been done, I still feel like a piece of my heart was ripped out of my chest and will never be replaced.

So today, 5 Easter's later, I mourn the loss of my pregnancy. I will never be the same again. I may have other children (in fact I'm half-way through my second viable pregnancy following the loss), but they will never replace the one that got away.

To my baby in heaven: May God's angels hold you today as my arms cannot reach that far. May the wonderful choruses of the Heavenly Choir sing you your lullabies, as my voice trembles too much with sorrow to be much louder than the sound of the tears streaming down my cheeks. May you find your peace by the Lord's side, and wait for me. Watch over me and protect me. May we meet again in the Lord's good timing. You will forever be missed. Momma loves you.