It has been 78 days since our daughter died. I have so many lapses in my memory and I cannot remember most of the funeral. I still cry every day. I think about where I would be in my pregnancy. I know that now, the way I see time is BEFORE and AFTER Tess died.
I went to my third SHARE meeting last night and I noticed something. There was a woman there that lost her child at 36 week last week. One lady had lost 2 children three years ago. The rest of us had lost our children in the last 6 months. All of us had a look. I noticed that around the eyes there was this "look". I think it is what despair looks like. I cried on the way home because I don't want to look this way.
I know that in the last 30 days, I have been able to function better. The pain is not less but I am able to put in a place in my heart for a work day. When I go home, I can wear it openly, cry, or just remember. I have learned I am strong and not weak like I thought. I am strong because I can get up every day. I am strong because I realize that life is for the living. I am strong because I can feel and not "get over" the death of our girl.
Any of you that are newly bereaved, it doesn't get BETTER...but it gets...livable, managable. Please let yourself vent, cry, scream, whatever you need. There are no wrong feelings.
Thank you all for supporting and listening to me.
I have learned I am strong and not weak like I thought. I am strong because I can get up every day. I am strong because I realize that life is for the living. I am strong because I can feel and not "get over" the death of our girl.
You are absolutely right. You are much stronger than you realise. I think it's great you can see that.
You know after our loss I remember saying I was not strong enough to get through it. Granted there are still days that are hard to get through and Paeton is on my mind 24/7, I do see how it's gets easier each day. I have realized how strong I really am. Lately I really listened to the words to the song "Stand" by Rascal Flatts and it really seems to be my theme song during this time...
Stand by Racal Flatts
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you’ve lost your fight
But you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand
Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out
The edge of canyon with only one way down
Take what you’re given before it’s gone
And start holdin’ on, keep holdin’ on
Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place – yeah
Yeah, then you stand – yeah
WOO HOO, WOO HOO, WOO HOO-
Then you stand – Yeah, Yeah