Advice???

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flutterby4's picture
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Advice???

I am starting to feel like I am here asking advice a lot this week. But here I am again. Being around pregnant women and babies has not bothered me. It's only been a month since our loss, but those things haven't gotten to me. Then 2 days ago we found out that a younger family member back home is expecting. This floored me. She's 18, just graduated, lives at home, her parents don't have a lot of money either, and her boyfriend just moved in because his home situation wasn't good and there was nowhere for him to go. I think part of my problem, aside from all the obvious, 18, no job, living at home, is that her mother was one of the main people telling me not to be excited when I got pregnant. She kept telling me how easy it was to lose a baby. She and the daughter have endo as well and mom has lost 2 herself. She was the one I tried NOT to talk to just because it stressed me out. And now I'm expected to sit there at Christmas and look at her swelling belly!!!!!!!! I told Chris that this bothered me, and he said we just wouldn't go, but that isn't fair to him. We haven't been home since March and that was for a funeral. He really wants to, and I know needs to, connect with family. Of course there are plenty of people for me to see and things to do while there, but if I stay away, it will be obvious why, and I don't think that is fair to our family either. I know that being young and all of that doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve her baby or anything, but sometimes it's like 'how does that make sense?' Maybe it will be good for her. She's a young 18 and maybe it will help her mature some. Ok, now I'm just searching for positives.

I just don't know what to do about all this or with myself lately. I miss our baby so much right now. I guess I feel like I'm losing the grip I thought I had.

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Last seen: 3 years 11 months ago
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This is a tough situation to be in. Part of you wants to go and be with your DH and family, and part of you doesn't want to be there. I agree with what you said though....its not fair that you lost your baby and suddenly your SIL is expecting (especially since she's not in a stable relationship etc. etc.) I get upset when I hear of tragic circumstances where people have had children and abuse them, when there are people like yourself and others that m/c. I really have no advice to offer except :bighug:.Do what is in your heart, the healing will come in time.

flutterby4's picture
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Last seen: 8 years 2 months ago
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Thanks so much. He and I have been talking and I am going to go. It isn't fair to everyone else for me not to. I can spend time with my mom and things like that. I have some friends I haven't seen in almost a year and I can be with them too. It's actually DH's neice who is expecting. Like I said, young, unable to care for herself, if it were the SIL I would be happy for her. She has had a couple losses (2 children though) and I know what it would mean to her. But the neice, she is more the kind of person to consider it a burden. And it sound selfish to say, but it's just not fair. This is the first pregnancy that has bothered me though. A friend has a one month old and I play with him all the time, I love that little boy like crazy. But I also know how much he was wanted. Thanks for listening. With everyone here, I know I'll make it.

Amy

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Amy,

Do not be afraid of posting too much. We are all in different stages of losses. The veterans, like me, are here to help those who have just experienced the loss of a child. Talking about our feelings is the only way we will beging to heal. You are not taking time from others who need it. In fact, some people find peace in just lurking.

{hugs}

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Last seen: 5 years 1 month ago
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(((((Amy)))))

I wish I had some advice or whatever to help ease the situation. I can understand how painful this must be because this was not something that was planned. Christmas will be difficult enough and this will add to it. Reading your other posts though it sounds like you have a strong relationship with DH and I trust that you will get through this as well. I wish there was something I could do to help.

I will be thinking of you.
Antionette

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It shows so much strenght that you are going. I know that I shouldn't jump to conclusions when I see women that look like they don't care about the precious life inside of them, but I do. These are complete strangers and their pregnancies bother me. I couldn't even imagine how much it would bother me in a situation like yours. I can only say that I hope that you don't force yourself to stay if you start to feel uncomfortable. This is supposed to be your family as well since they are the family of your husband. They should be understanding and if they aren't that is their problem. Don't push yourself too hard. Grief over our loss comes in waves. It will hit and hit hard/fast. I wish you a peaceful trip. The holidays are going to be hard enough without any "extras".

Shelly

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I'm glad you came to a decision hun, but dont feel like you can't change your mind. We have to protect ourselves at times like this and unfortunately that stops us seeing certain people. Those people will understand and if they dont then they're not the kinds of friends you need to have anyway. Even if their family.

:bighug:

flutterby4's picture
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Last seen: 8 years 2 months ago
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Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your input and reassurances. We talked last night and I asked if he would mind if I stayed here in CO and he went home to IL. I told him that my mom could just come spend the Holiday with me and he could see his family. Not the most ideal Holiday situation, but a compromise at least. I even suggested just maybe not staying as long as we had planned, cut it a little short and that would again be a compromise. BUT he says no, if he goes without me, he would be miserable, and if we both went, he would know what I was feeling and that would be miserable for both of us. He says that we should just stay home this year. So, I asked if we could just kind of keep it 'open' because if I start preparing myself now, I think I can make it through it just fine. I just don't feel like its fair to him to not go home this year. I know how important it is to him. So I'm going to work on it, but it sounds like it will be fine either way. Thanks for listening and I'll let you all know what we decide as it gets closer. You girls are the best!!

Amy

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P.S.

I feel like we have a good relationship!! It makes me smile to think that someone else would notice though!!! Thank you.