I don't want to brag, but today was the first really "good" day since my m/c, exactly two weeks ago. Today was the first day I actually thought about getting a period and TTC again. Today I felt somewhat whole for the first time in two weeks. I'd like to share what helped me, so that it may help you too.
1. Own the title of mom, no matter how inappropriate it may seem. I had a friend call me a "mom" numerous times in the present tense. She did it again today during a phone call, and I felt a lightness of the heart with the awareness that, though for only a short time, I was and will always be a mom.
2.Remind yourself that it's okay to feel like crap on many an occasion. I tried so many times to deny those angry and depressing feelings. Once I admitted to myself that I was suffering from depression and that I felt crappy most of the time, I felt a little better . The acknowledgment of my deep feelings of loss made them easier to bare.
3. Name your child. My first thought on this subject was that my child was not around long enough to have an identity. However, once I gave her a name and an identity (my mom kept referring to the baby as "her"), she was easier to memorialize and let go.
4. Make a memorial for your child. I chose to make a collage of sorts on Print Shop. I write her name and included a poem I found on one of the boards. I framed it and it now sits by my piano, in a place of honor. I can see it on my way to work every morning.
5. Grieve! I didn't really grieve for about a week. I was just sad. Two days ago, something hit me and I broke. I sobbed uncontrollably until I thought my heart would give out. During that time panic, fear, loneliness, heartache, and intense feelings of failure washed over me. I cried for a long time that night. It was horrible and painful, but afterward I felt lighter and more focused. My guilt for wanting to be happy became less. My desire to TTC crept back in. Even the desire for my husband came back. Once I released my feelings, life seemed to fall back into place.
6. Find that special friend that will hold you when the going gets tough. I found mine - the same one that first called me a mom. She held my hand and is still holding it. I know I can be my terrible self with her.
7. Cling to your husband and any babies (including furbabies) that you have. My furbabies were saviors. My youngest (8 months) kissed the tears off my face and let me hold her whenever I needed love. My husband, who is my rock, was always good for a hug. Sometimes you just need a good hug while you sob.
Ladies, I feel you. All of us have such different ways and lengths of grieving, but it has to get better at some point. I am not done yet, but I feel that I am on the way up. I think two days ago would be considered my rock bottom. I can laugh and smile without feeling guilty today. I have no doubt you will get there too.
This board has been a Godsend and I will continue to lurk when I am ready to move on. I wish everyone peace and love in the hard times that may surround you.
Dedicated to: Olivia Rose, my angel baby