Today is Alana's EDD...I should be 40 weeks today, I should be having my baby today. DH gets home tomorrow, I'm really excited but it would be even better if he were coming home to a real family...with a child.
Its sad to know that he's coming home but we won't even be ttc. We have to be preventing until at least September because I'm having a series of surgeries this summer. I know its really important to have them but I also know that as soon as DH gets home I'm going to have the urge to ttc even when I know I can't.
Really it all feels like a bad dream...like having a baby is just an illusion, a dream that will never come true, something that only happens for other people. It really upsets me that some people hope and pray for a baby and try so hard to concieve with no results, or only to have it end in loss...while others simply fall pg without ever trying.
My friend is accidentally pg with her 3rd child in under 3 years...by a man that isn't her husband. It really cuts deep to watch that...and to try to support her because she's my friend. Her son had the same EDD as our first angel...everyday he reminds me of what I'm missing, even though I love him dearly...sometimes its hard to think of what my little boy should be doing now.
Anyway, this is just my EDD rant...dreaming of what I should have been doing today. Thanks girls.... for just being here.
Mommy to 2 angels
*Liam-lost at 12wks 2days & Alana-lost at 9wks 2days*
I am so sorry for what you're going through right now. And I can relate to seeing another child of the same age as one of my angels would have been -- it's a stinging double whammy.
I'm glad you wrote in here, to vent. It's very healthy! And this is such a caring board -- love is the most effective healer of all, I think.
I used to be absolutely haunted by my angels' EDD's too -- yet now (2.5 years since our last m/c) there are many times when I don't even notice these particular 'anniversaries' come and go -- I forget they're happening, rather than focus on them anymore. Don't get me wrong -- I still love my angels intensely. But it's like when the tide pulls out from the beach: the pain has washed away, and what's left on the sand are just the jewels of the experience -- these jewels are the extra capacity for love that I possess, as a result of having babies in heaven. I didn't know I was capable of feeling and giving away so much love before this all happened. Now I do.
I mention this as a message of hope -- everyone grieves differently, but I hope you will soon reach the point of 'forgetting' the EDD anniversaries too. They're very painful and you have my heartfelt compassion.