Another Angel In Heaven

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SnowJunky's picture
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Last seen: 7 years 7 months ago
Joined: 01/04/09
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Another Angel In Heaven

Hi

My name is Ali. This is my story...
Some of you know me and some of you dont. I have spent many months, years, hanging out on the sub baby board/ pregnant after a loss on anothe forum and hoping for a second miracle for our family. After recovering a tumultuous marriage, my husband and I were thrilled to learn we were pregnant in January. We were already almost three months and did not know it....because we have a history of loss, we were careful in sharing....and even more careful in shopping.

Just last week, all chromosomal testing came back normal and I splurged on new maternity clothes and bought a small cradle for our baby girl. We chose her name Hayden Tevis (Hayden is and uncles name with new spelling and Grandma Tevis so deserves a name sake)) We were simply over the moon to be healthy and pregnant. At 18 weeks, I really started to show....we began telling work people and neighbors who saw us out. It really feels like it was yesterday.

I had a great workout at the gym early Wednesday and had to run by for a quick check up. Feeling uber confident fom the great test results and strong movement I had been feeling, I was sure it would take 20 minutes tops. I didnt even tell DH about the appointment as it seemed so insignificant. And .....it was my moms birthday-I needed to get over and get her flowers on the way.

I had some great new u/s pics of Hayden with her tongue out and couldnt wait to send them.

I am sad to share that the very routine 19 wk u/s revealed our daughter had no heartbeat. She died in utero between 18 and 19 weeks. Last week she was cute and moving and definitely a girl. I may never erase the memory of that monitor screen with her lifeless body. I so miss her and as only many of you know...am mourning the loss of what was supposed to be. The look on the doctors face when he said "can you go get Dr Murphy..." I knew that he meant to "confirm that there is no sign of life" My heart sank and I just started sobbing right there on the table. I was alone...no friend, no spouse..it never occurred to me I would need another person with me. This was not supposed to happen.

The gave me a choice to deliver which I did but my body slept through it. I did not see her for long. She was so small...and so my baby girl. We have a full time nanny for Beckett so she cared for him..and kept the day normal while I waited for Scott to return from out of town...of course he was out of town on that day......

When I woke up from surgery to remove the placenta etc, he was there. Eyes tear stained..and exhausted. I am certain that we cannot walk this road again. No more machines, appointments, babies with no life...no more

I am home from the hospital after a very long and emotional day yesterday. The fact that my baby is no longer in my belly is still a sad shock to me and I know the rest of my family. I feel horrible for taking them down this road again too. We have had several miscarriages and one stillbirth. We never had one so late that it easily could have been another....

Hayden's body and placenta are being tested for the APAS or antiphospholipid syndrome---my doc seems certain I have it. They were already testing and the initial results were positive. I was to begin heparin shots immediately...only it was too late.

So, this did not just randomly happen to us. Though it feels random...and before yesterday I'd never even heard of APAS--it explains 4 late second and third trimester losses to me.

My heart is broken...and I am certain there are no tears left in my head....but my body is healing and my heart will too.

My due date had been adjusted to August 11th. I was 19 weeks 1 day pregnant

It just feels like a nightmare I wish I could wake up from-at 2 am a very small amoutn of milk came in, but it did come in for another little girl gone too soon.

I came home today and held my baby boy very tightly. I so thank God he is here in this house....I miss her already. I am still pretty medicated....and numb for a hundred other reasons. I cannot believe this is happening to us again.

Flowers and meals have come in, phone calls and well wishes that we appreciate...all I want is my baby girl in my belly where she was two days ago.
Ali

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~ Love to you from Ali

tinaruger's picture
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Last seen: 3 months 1 week ago
Joined: 09/28/02
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Ali,
I am so very very sorry for your loss. I could not imagine having to go through that alone. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Tina

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Last seen: 1 year 8 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
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I am so very sorry for all your losses. I have APA too and have had losses as a result of it. It is not your fault, you did nothing wrong and had no way of knowing anything was wrong.

MissyJ's picture
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Ali,

Thank you for coming here to share your story. (((((HUGS)))) I am so very sorry for all of your losses -- and for the pain that you are experiencing especially right now with Hayden. I really appreciate your sharing the background on her name - it is a beautiful choice.

I agree with Missy -- you did nothing wrong. I know that guilt all too well and all the "what if's" that we harbor... esp. when it comes not only to ourselves but other family members. (((((HUGS))))) All of that definitely adds to the pain we try to work through.

I am glad that your loss has been recognized and that others are extending a form of support. I know though that you would exchange it all to have her again with you. As you know the journey ahead is not an easy one. I do hope that you and your dh are able to pull and work through the road ahead together. DO know that any time you want and need to talk though that you are encouraged to do so here. While our spouses do also experience our loss - from personal experience, I have had to accept that they do so differently than we do. It can be hard to understand.

Right now, along with the emotional healing do remember to take care of your physical body as well.

We're here when you need us.

~Missy

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Last seen: 2 years 10 months ago
Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

I am so sorry that you lost your sweet Hayden, Ali. Sad Hugs and prayers. My heart just hurts for you. Sad