Another card...

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HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163
Another card...

I got another sympathy card from a coworker. We were pregnant together, she had her baby girl just a few weeks after I had Zara. She just returned to work. I know it is so nice of her to do that, I still can't help but be so freaking jealous. Of her having her baby that is alive and growing. I wish I could not let it bother me.
On the outside noone can tell how messed up I feel. Everything says they can't believe how well I am doing, or that they can't imagine being able to do what I do without having gone insane. I guess I do a damn good job of acting like I'm ok. I feel like a complete fake. Everyone thinks I'm so strong, but they do not know what goes on in my head. I feel like I am in a living nightmare. In fact, I know I am living a nightmare (everyone else's nightmare and my reality of course). I wonder all the time how I will go on and get up the next day and pretend like I am brave enough to do it all again. I wish I could just yell to the world to leave me alone and just have a break from all this pain. I know things get easier to deal with as time goes by...but it has been 16.5 weeks and still I feel like my insides are being ripped out everyday that I wake up and remember it is true.
Anyhow, thanks for letting me ramble on.

Joined: 11/19/05
Posts: 456

:bighug:

It's okay to let those around you (as long as supportive) know that * being so strong* is just one of the *masks* one wears when one has suffered loss...

Every day is a fight...

Time...As the days pass, I promise you will get to a better place than the one that you are in now...

Marie

Joined: 12/11/06
Posts: 7

You have every right to feel the way you do and just know that it will eventually get better, even though sometimes it feels like it never will. So sorry you're having to face this.

Joined: 04/21/06
Posts: 96

:bighug:

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

We all have good days and bad days. I know it is hard to beleive, but soon you will start having more good days then bad. That does not mean you will never forget, but it does get easier.

For right now, just take one day at a time.

:bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug::bigarmhug:

careyayn22's picture
Joined: 09/01/06
Posts: 54

I agree with the above poster....it is OK to tell those close around you (or at least ONE understanding person). You can't wear that mask all the time. SOmetimes you have to take it off.

I don't know what you will think of this poem, but I really like it and it struck a cord with me a while back. It is from "Good Poems for Hard Times."

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old rug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.

But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

---Mary Oliver

EmmyG's picture
Joined: 02/03/08
Posts: 34

I agree with all of the PP's that it's important to have someone you can tell about how you are really feeling. Work especially can be a much more humane place if there is at least one person there with whom you can be totally honest about your feelings. You'll feel better knowing that there is at least one person who knows that even though you seem fine on the outside, on the inside you are torn apart.

I also just want to say that you may hide your feelings, but there is nothing fake or mask-like about your strength. You ARE strong. Just getting out of bed every day and being willing to face the world knowing the heartache it will bring takes so much strength.

I really believe that love and time really do stem the tide of grief. I wish you peace.
:bighug:

cdokter's picture
Joined: 02/18/08
Posts: 126

My sister in law is pregnant. She was three months ahead of me. I'm terrified for when she has her baby. I feel like a real jerk but I'm so glad that they moved far away from us. When we first got to Edmonton, they lived in Calgary but took a missions possition in England a few weeks later. I was sad when they left but I'm so glad they are gone now. I won't have to pretend in person that I'm happy for her. Just on the phone, and the phone is much, much easier. It's not that I wish bad things on her, I just feel so jelous. I'm jelous now and she's not due for months! I'm jelous of every person with a baby. A student of mine just had a baby girl. Why can teenagers who don't even really want a baby get pregnant and have healthy children and I can't? It's not fair. I see pictures of everyone elses kids on facebook and I go crazy inside. I guess the short of it is, I sympathise with you. Feel how you feel. Tell those you can tell and wear the mask with everyone else. It's jsut what we have to do.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I get the exact same thing, "you are doing SO well!" ha! What a joke! I put on the mask A LOT and wait till I'm completely alone to lose my mind. That's just how I normally deal with things, I do it better alone. But I don't like hearing how "well" I'm doing, when I know everyday is a freakin' struggle.

And some days I'm totally fine with babies and pg people but other days it's really heart-wrenching.

Joined: 05/04/06
Posts: 250

I can understand not wanting to share your feelings with everyone. Its hard. I have one good friend that I can talk to and she listens and it does help. Maybe try to find one person that you completely trust to share your feelings with. I'm so sorry. :bigarmhug:

HopefullySoon's picture
Joined: 01/31/08
Posts: 163

I cry all the time and mostly by myself. I know I have tons of people I can talk to but it is hard. It is way easier to keep it inside and deal with it. My sister and friend came over tonight and we talked a lot about Zara, so that helps. It was cool to do a mini girls night on a work night.
Today sucked before that. I went to the bank this morning (for the first time since I was pregnant) and of course the teller got all excited and was asking me how my baby was. I swear this happens too much. I hate, hate, hate, hate having to tell people my sweet baby has died and to have to watch their faces and the wave of emotion and then of course the resulting uncomfortableness. This lady today just couldn't even look at me after. She said how sorry she was and was all flustered by the news. Happens everytime. At least I got seeing this lady for the 1st time over with, because she knows my husband too. He won't have to be the one to tell her the news. Everything about this just sucks!!

Thank you so much for being here and understanding. You ladies help to keep me going Smile

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm SO sorry for the pain you're going through right now. And I totally agree with the posts above:

1. It WILL get better;
2. It's okay (necessary, really) to wear a mask most of the time (and it's exhausting too);
3. It's totally okay to have jealous and other negative feelings and thoughts;
4. It's IDEAL to be able to tell at least one other person, face to face -- to be able to 'drop that mask'. When I did this, I got the relief of getting things off of my chest, and I got the chance to rest from wearing the tiring mask.

Please write in whenever you need to, to drop that mask too. We care and we're going to help you through this.

Love
Nicole

tina_haley_n_beanz_mommy's picture
Joined: 11/14/06
Posts: 212

Its ok to be angry. I hated my neighbor for having baby she didnt want when Haley passed. We are here to support you.