Today a good friend of mine (who also happens to be a therapist) called me a mom in the present tense. When she said that, my first impulse was to deny that name. I didn't feel like I could own that title. After all, I don't have a baby. However, she told me that if a child dies at an older age it wouldn't stop that mom from being a mother, so my loss does not take the title away from me either.
I'm a mom.
For the first time in a week and a half I was able to feel something...it was like a warm fuzzy...something to hold onto.
I'm a mom.
My depression is taking it's toll on me and there are days when I feel like I will not make it through. MY body rejects emotion to the point that I don't feel anything these days. I suppose my subconscious knows it will hurt too much. I think my newly realized title will help though. I am a mom and that's why I am numb. A part of me is missing and will never come back. Just like any deep wound, it will take time to heal and it will never be the same.
Love to all of you. This pain makes me feel so alone, and though we are different, you can at least empathize with me.