Anyone else feel totally emotionally unstable?

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Anyone else feel totally emotionally unstable?

I've got a dilemma, would love some advice. So I was to go down and visit my parents next month (a 2-hr flight). We get along pretty good, but my mom definitely has some weird issues. She is making little snide comments and stuff - which she always does, but I just have no tolerance or the strength to deal with them right now. It's to the extent that she is upsetting me SO much lately, that I wonder if I'm emotionally strong enough to go visit? I can just see myself having daily meltdowns and I have enough of those on my own thankyouverymuch!

The really annoying thing is, is that these comments are over completely ridiculous things, like the shoes I wear (hiking boots, OMG!!! Yeah, 'cause I live in a rural area and have a job where they're appropriate) to telling me that I was sending my uncle's sympathy card way too late. If you'll recall, my aunt died the day before I had my m/c and I kind of had my own things to deal with at the time as I was in the hospital for 2 days!!! After trying to m/c for three freakin' weeks...

She made this comment the other day, the same time I was dealing with the funeral home and what to do with our LO's remains! I just totally lost it. She went to switch phones as we had a bad connection and without thinking I totally hung up on her!!! I have never done that before but I was basically crying and too upset to talk after she made that comment. She was totally oblivious or in denial that I was upset and went on trying to be upbeat and talk about crap like the weather.

So am I totally crazy to cancel the trip? I was looking forward to it before as they have been supportive during the m/c but right now she is just back to her old insensitive self.

Some days (like today) I just feel soooo worn down... Sad

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I'm so sorry and I can understand where you're coming from. I feel like at the drop of the hat I can go from okay and almost happy (I don't think I've really been fully happy since) to depressed and sobbing in 0.001 seconds.

I don't have great advice for what to do about the trip other than you need to do what you feel is right. I keep telling myself that right now, I'm in a place where I need to be a little selfish and think of myself more than I would normally care to. I think that if you feel this trip will bring you more pain or discomfort, that you need to decide if its worth it. We face too much pain and discomfort in our normal lives to add to it by doing something we know will not be helpful. If your Mom loves you, she will have to understand.

April

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i think you gotta do what you gotta do! if you don't think you can handle it...don't go!! no need to put yourself through even more crap that you don't need! *hugs* the people who really care about you should be able to understand that you just aren't ready yet!

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April, you're exactly right - I am feeling like I should be selfish right now and worry about myself.

Good point Mrs Schepp - she should understand that I'm not ready for that yet.

I did tell her I'm cancelling the trip, now she is all upset, blaming herself for being a horrible mother, the typical guilt trip thing. But she also did say that she understands and respects my decision.

DH and I were going to have a party with close friends this weekend, which I am also cancelling!!! I seriously can't handle that stuff right now.

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I'm glad you decided to do what makes you comfortable. As far as your Mom, she's probably dealing with a lot too. All she wants is for you to be happy, and its probably killing her that she can't make that happen right now. Although it sounds like she might not be handling it well, I'm sure that's all she wants. Take care and know that we're always here to listen.

April

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Hun you have to take care of yourself first. If it is too hard I would not go and wait for a better time. We are all here for you when you need to cry or vent. :bighug:

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I'm proud of you that you made the decision that was best for you -- when it involves family, it's especially hard (there's so much "history" there). When it's our parents, even harder.

Please don't feel guilty or selfish about looking after yourself right now. You've just gone through two of the worst experiences in life: losing a long time loved one (your aunt) and a baby. Right now, you come first, period -- you deserve some fabulous self-nurturing!

Also, it might make you feel better to look at it this way: had you have gone on the trip, there would inevitably have been tension/ stress/ unhappiness. This would have made things even worse for you and for your mother. By honouring yourself and making the decision that was right for you, you actually did her a favour too, you see? You made it win-win, even if she can't see that right now.

Big cyber hugs coming your way....we're going to help you through this.

Nicole

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Thanks you guys. Wow, that was a big black hole I was in for a few days there. I'm blown away by the emotions and lack of control I have sometimes. Luckily I'm coming out of it and looking at things a bit clearer. April - I do feel like I am taking this out on those around me, when I know they are trying to help and feel helpless at times.

I know my mom is hurting SO much, she was looking forward to this as much (if not more!) than me, plus it was her sister that died. They were so close and she just told me she feels so alone now. Ah crap, so do I. I'm thinking maybe us being together now is maybe a good thing? Nicole, you totally make sense too though! Maybe I'll just wait till I see how I'm feeling in a couple weeks, when I'm supposed to go...

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I totally understand your indecision. This is a very hard 'call'.

Hmmm, if you do plan to your mom, can I make a little suggestion? Can she come out and see you instead? I don't know about your mom, but I have some angry/ difficult/ insecure/ you-name-it relatives (boy, do they increase both my tolerance, as well as my gratitude --grateful that I don't "live in their heads"!! Can you imagine?) But anyway...

I just find it SO much easier to see them on 'my turf'. Everytime! I guess it's that they have less stress visiting others, the pressure's off them -- so they have less anxiety/ stress/ whatever. As a happy result, the obligatory annual visit is always better for all! (these are people who I must see -- at Christmas, etc. Otherwise, DH and I completely avoid seeing them for our own sanity).

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread! I just wanted you to know that I speak from far too much experience with this, and the results have been consistently better off of their turf.

Ugh. It's crappy. I hope you find the decision that's best for you.

Love,
Nicole

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You're not hijacking the thread at all Nicole! I appreciate you sharing your experiences. That is a good option, to get her to come here. Part of it was for me to see my dad too, since it's his birthday that week I was supposed to go down.

It is totally like that for me too, when I go back "home" we all get into these old routines and I think that is part of what is so tense for me when I visit. And the plan was for them to come and visit me in June. So really, if I didn't go now, I'd see them in June and then maybe I'd go later when I'm ready. AgH! At least I can make a last minute decision and not lose my ticket or money.

I'll keep you all posted, since I have no idea what I'm going to do.

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Making decisions like this so soon after a loss is so hard. Some people can grieve well together and some people just can't. At least, with you being apart, you can talk on the phone and leave the conversation when it gets to be too much. A visit is a lot to deal with.

At the same time, though, my grandma was very sick around the time of my loss. This grandma and I didn't always get along but we loved each other and respected each other. We're both stubborn and clashed heads but she was incredible, too. Anyway, I didn't visit her while I was dealing with my own emotions and she passed away about six months later. At the funeral, I regretted not spending more time with her and with our mutual relatives. While they were understanding of me not being around, I know they would have liked it if I had shared that special time together. While being around my grandma was not always easy, I will always associate my loss with the loss of her and missing that time to share our mutual losses.

So, to me, the question is, will the insensitive comments outweigh the potential bonding as you grieve together? Can you grieve together or will you like just bump heads? It's such a tough call. If you think you will miss this time together you are probably right. If not, it might be much better to wait until she can visit you.

No matter what you decide, big hugs to you!

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Hmmm, great question and good insight, thanks! I'm really still on the fence about it, I just talked to my mom earlier and she responded how she thought I still sounded "down" - and then went on to ask if I was still coming. I said I'm not sure, that I'd see how things are going, as I'm supposed to leave in about a week. Right now, my gut is telling me not to go... and I think I should go with that.

Although I am feeling more emotionally well (this week, anyways! Or, more like, today!) I still wonder how I will react when we get into old patterns, and I know we will! I'm just not sure how I'll cope with them.

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I'm coming in late to this but wanted to suggest that if you do still decide to go that you plan some time for you while you are there. Maybe an afternoon out - to get a massage or something like that. And each day that you are there - some you time.

Since they already know you are considering not coming you can let them know (if you do go) that you really feel like you need some time for you while you are there but that you'd also like to see them and hopefully they will understand. Otherwise - you'll see them in June it sounds like. Do what's best for you and keep us posted~

:bighug: