It's been 3 weeks since the "final loss" of our angel. I was only about 8 weeks along, probably started losing about 6 weeks, so not very far along at all. Before I fell pg I had gotten my head around not having anymore children. We had been trying for such a long time, and "assisted fertility" just seemed to shut my system down completely, so I was beginning to think about being happy with what I have - and I was. Although I always still had a glimmer of hope (I just knew) that we would have our baby one day. We started building our new home in March and when we would visit the site I had visions of how it would be for the 3 of us, DD, DH and me. I was thinking about doing a beauty course and am currently qualified in aromatherapy so was going to make a spare room into my work room. I had all these imaginings and vision of how our life would be together, just the 3 of us, and I was happy with my lot in life. Four months later I fell pg. The house frame was up by this stage and as it started taking shape I began to have visions and imaginings about how it would be for us all, DD, DH, baby and me. I picked out which room would be the nursery and I felt that our timing was just perfect after all. Two months later and that dream was taken from me. I know that I am very lucky to have all that I do. To have anyone to love is a blessing, so many people are alone - I know I am very lucky. Why do I feel so sad. I have tried to push my most recent imaginings away. The spare room turned work room turned nursery has turned back to a work room - but that brings me no joy!! Our house is nearly finished, it is beautiful - but when I go there lately I can't seem to push away the visions I was having of how it would be for us with our new baby. I'm trying not to dwell, I have always tried to utilise positive thinking to get to wherever I want to be in life - but now I don't seem to have a positive thought left - just nothing. We move on Saturday and I am very excited - I say the words but I don't really feel them. I don't want to be sad for my DH and DD but I am - although trying to put on a brave (tear stained) face.