Bad Day

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Bad Day

It's been 3 weeks since the "final loss" of our angel. I was only about 8 weeks along, probably started losing about 6 weeks, so not very far along at all. Before I fell pg I had gotten my head around not having anymore children. We had been trying for such a long time, and "assisted fertility" just seemed to shut my system down completely, so I was beginning to think about being happy with what I have - and I was. Although I always still had a glimmer of hope (I just knew) that we would have our baby one day. We started building our new home in March and when we would visit the site I had visions of how it would be for the 3 of us, DD, DH and me. I was thinking about doing a beauty course and am currently qualified in aromatherapy so was going to make a spare room into my work room. I had all these imaginings and vision of how our life would be together, just the 3 of us, and I was happy with my lot in life. Four months later I fell pg. The house frame was up by this stage and as it started taking shape I began to have visions and imaginings about how it would be for us all, DD, DH, baby and me. I picked out which room would be the nursery and I felt that our timing was just perfect after all. Two months later and that dream was taken from me. I know that I am very lucky to have all that I do. To have anyone to love is a blessing, so many people are alone - I know I am very lucky. Why do I feel so sad. I have tried to push my most recent imaginings away. The spare room turned work room turned nursery has turned back to a work room - but that brings me no joy!! Our house is nearly finished, it is beautiful - but when I go there lately I can't seem to push away the visions I was having of how it would be for us with our new baby. I'm trying not to dwell, I have always tried to utilise positive thinking to get to wherever I want to be in life - but now I don't seem to have a positive thought left - just nothing. We move on Saturday and I am very excited - I say the words but I don't really feel them. I don't want to be sad for my DH and DD but I am - although trying to put on a brave (tear stained) face.

Uropachild's picture
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Last seen: 4 years 9 months ago
Joined: 08/09/05
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Oh sweetie, i can kinda relate to this a little. When you got pregnant it changed everything and you got excited about having this new life around you. It's perfectly understandable that you can't just switch that off now your angel has grown wings. Once you start on the path of imagining life with this baby and everything that brings it feels like it would be impossible to get excited about anything else the same way.

Maybe it will be that way for a while. I know DH and i have a challenge ahead of us, to learn how to enjoy life as just the two of us again. We also have rooms dedicated to our babies that we have to dismantle and pack up. We have a nursery that was finished for Zane and a second nursery that wasnt finished yet for Ada. Zane's room is going to be Scotts music room and Ada's will be my dressing room. I would still MUCH rather our babies were in their nurseries and it hurts to think that they arent. I'm hoping that once we get started on the decoration to turn them into something else i will feel more excited about their new purposes, but i dont know...

It's okay to be sad though hun. Everything happy i do right now is tinged with sadness because i should be doing it with a (almost) one year old and a big 28 ole week pregnant belly, but i'm not and it kills me.

You are the same too and you can't hold that back. DH would understand wouldnt he, if you were sad and happy at the same time?

shellyhudson's picture
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Last seen: 6 years 7 months ago
Joined: 01/13/07
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Oh honey. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope that you find some peace. I believe that unconditional love and dreams for your child begin from the moment you know that you are pregnant. It was not the loss of a fetus as medical professionals prefer to say. It was the loss of a loved and desired child. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish that no parents ever did.

Shelly

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Last seen: 1 year 8 months ago
Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I am so sorry for your loss. This should be a happy time for you and your family. I know how hard it is to put on a happy face when you feel like your entire world is crashing around you. Several ladies on the board have told me that time does make things easier. I am still waiting for the easy days but am hopping they are coming soon.
I hope you find peace as well. I don't have much to see other than consider yourself hugged and come here anytime you need.