Ok, so I thought I was feeling better and more positive after my d & c, and was so proud of how well I coped with seeing my friends baby, then I had a v bad day today. First of all I think im getting a bit depressed as I just seem to want to sleep all the time. I took a nap this afternoon, then woke up, and for a second forgot I was not pg. Then I remembered and felt so tearful.
Then I went to pick my DS and DD up from school, and I was driving there and passed one of the mums from school who just had a baby a couple of weeks ago (she did not notice me as I was in car) I have not seen her since I found about my missed miscarriage so she does not know about it yet. This is the first day she has been at school since having the baby. I got myself in to such a panic about seeing her, we only know each other through our boys and have brief discussions in the playground etc. It was not seeing the baby that bothered me, I have already got over that fear by seeing my friends, it was just the thought of having to explain to her what happened to me when this was her first day at school and it was her happy time for people to see the baby. I did not want her to feel bad for me, and over shadow everyone fussing over her and baby. She is really thoughtful so I knew she would ask how my pg was going etc, and I just could not face having to explain. I actually ended up getting out of car late for kids, climbing over a fence, and walking through the muddy field at the back of school all to avoid her!!!! Worst thing is, I think she caught a glimpse of me and is probably wondering why I was so rude, and did not congratulate her. It was not that I did not want to at all, I just really did not want to bring her down. I know im going to have to face her soon, but I want to wait till all the fuss and excitement has died down, let her have her time, then tell her. Im sure she is going to think im being awful though for avoiding her. I just wish I had not told anyone about the pg, as this is all so difficult!!! There is a class party on Sun and I dont even want to take DS in case I have to see her there and explain, and im just not ready. I feel like im in constant turmoil, avoiding people and situations.
I feel like im starting to have panic attacks over everything, I sat in the car at school and could not catch my breath at all. Im sure its all the worry of avoiding people, and worrying what to say when people ask how I am. I usually play it down, and say im fine, its just one of those things. I of course dont think that at all, but what can I say to people I only barely know? I cant exactly tell them the truth, that its so hard, I just want to sleep, im panicking all the time, and all I can think of is being pg, and that I barely have the energy to fix myself lunch or dinner and have spent last few days living off revels!!!!They will think im nuts - hell, I think im nuts!!!! I am obviously carrying on for kids, and they dont even notice anything is wrong as im being super strong around them. Everyone says they cant believe how well im coping, im up, showered, dressed, at school on time, house and kids spotless, homework done etc. If only they knew what was going on inside. I keep thinking if I started to eat better and exercise ill feel better, but where do I get the motivation from? As soon as I take kids to school, I come in shut the door, and feel sad. Im in a vicious circle, and I cant get out of it. This is so unlike me, im usually so positive and bring myself round, I just cant this time!
The only thing getting me through is coming here and posting. It helps to write it all down. Please tell me im not going mad and that you have been through something similar (not that I wish it on anyone just want to know my feelings are 'normal') Thanks for listening.