Ok, so I thought I was feeling better and more positive after my d & c, and was so proud of how well I coped with seeing my friends baby, then I had a v bad day today. First of all I think im getting a bit depressed as I just seem to want to sleep all the time. I took a nap this afternoon, then woke up, and for a second forgot I was not pg. Then I remembered and felt so tearful.
Then I went to pick my DS and DD up from school, and I was driving there and passed one of the mums from school who just had a baby a couple of weeks ago (she did not notice me as I was in car) I have not seen her since I found about my missed miscarriage so she does not know about it yet. This is the first day she has been at school since having the baby. I got myself in to such a panic about seeing her, we only know each other through our boys and have brief discussions in the playground etc. It was not seeing the baby that bothered me, I have already got over that fear by seeing my friends, it was just the thought of having to explain to her what happened to me when this was her first day at school and it was her happy time for people to see the baby. I did not want her to feel bad for me, and over shadow everyone fussing over her and baby. She is really thoughtful so I knew she would ask how my pg was going etc, and I just could not face having to explain. I actually ended up getting out of car late for kids, climbing over a fence, and walking through the muddy field at the back of school all to avoid her!!!! Worst thing is, I think she caught a glimpse of me and is probably wondering why I was so rude, and did not congratulate her. It was not that I did not want to at all, I just really did not want to bring her down. I know im going to have to face her soon, but I want to wait till all the fuss and excitement has died down, let her have her time, then tell her. Im sure she is going to think im being awful though for avoiding her. I just wish I had not told anyone about the pg, as this is all so difficult!!! There is a class party on Sun and I dont even want to take DS in case I have to see her there and explain, and im just not ready. I feel like im in constant turmoil, avoiding people and situations.
I feel like im starting to have panic attacks over everything, I sat in the car at school and could not catch my breath at all. Im sure its all the worry of avoiding people, and worrying what to say when people ask how I am. I usually play it down, and say im fine, its just one of those things. I of course dont think that at all, but what can I say to people I only barely know? I cant exactly tell them the truth, that its so hard, I just want to sleep, im panicking all the time, and all I can think of is being pg, and that I barely have the energy to fix myself lunch or dinner and have spent last few days living off revels!!!!They will think im nuts - hell, I think im nuts!!!! I am obviously carrying on for kids, and they dont even notice anything is wrong as im being super strong around them. Everyone says they cant believe how well im coping, im up, showered, dressed, at school on time, house and kids spotless, homework done etc. If only they knew what was going on inside. I keep thinking if I started to eat better and exercise ill feel better, but where do I get the motivation from? As soon as I take kids to school, I come in shut the door, and feel sad. Im in a vicious circle, and I cant get out of it. This is so unlike me, im usually so positive and bring myself round, I just cant this time!
The only thing getting me through is coming here and posting. It helps to write it all down. Please tell me im not going mad and that you have been through something similar (not that I wish it on anyone just want to know my feelings are 'normal') Thanks for listening.
Oh, sweetie, everything you're feeling is so understandable and normal. You're trying so hard to be strong for everybody else, but you're not giving yourself permission to just fall apart and grieve. I know you don't want to make anyone else feel bad and you don't want to worry your family, but you have to give yourself time otherwise the feelings get all bottled up and start to explode.
I felt just like you after my loss. I put on my brave face, went back to work the day after my loss, and tried to make OTHER people feel better about the fact that I had lost my baby. My boss even started crying and I found myself consoling HIM. Anyway, eventually, I just couldn't do it any longer and I started having panic attacks like you experienced. I took a few days to just cry and sleep and be angry. That made a big difference for me. We can't be strong all the time, sometimes we just have to let go and let others support us for a change.
Don't worry about what the mom at school will think. It really doesn't matter that much and she will understand eventually when she finds out about your loss. It's not your job to be her cheer section just because she had a baby. As for your kids, don't be ashamed to let them know you are sad and having a hard time, even if you don't go into all the reasons. They will want to comfort you and it's good for them to see that sometimes bad things happen in life but we all still go on.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it WILL get better! Just do what you need to do for yourself to get through each day now.
I am so sorry for your loss. As for Panic attacks I know them better then anyone. I miscarried my daughter in June. She was born at 16 weeks and then I had a D/c to remove the placenta. I went to Hawaii in July to get away and I had a horrible panic attack that landed me in the hospital. I have been a disability ever since and am on medication to control the panic and depression.
It is normal to feel the way you do. Allow yourself time to grieve, if the panic begins to interfere with life, please see your doctor right away. You don't have to suffer.
Everything that you have mentioned is completely normal for the situation. You are very sensative, caring, and thoughtful to worry about the other mom having her spotlight. I just hid from the world and let someone else pick up my daughter. It is hard and the only thing that helps is time. I started back excercising because I had to. It is as simple as that. I am military and have certain standards that I have to meet in a certain time frame. It has helped though. I work out until I am too exhausted to think, literally. I am using avoidance as my coping technique. I keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think about our loss. I hope that you feel better. Remember to allow yourself to grieve and give yourself a break. Try to give yourself the same respect and love that you would give to another woman in this situation. If you wouldn't expect it of her, why expect it of yourself? I hope that made some sense.