Bad Dream (preg & child ment, but there's a reason)
About a week ago, I dreamt that my big sister had another healthy, full term baby.
I hate to admit it, but I'm jealous of my lovely sister -- we've both been pregnant 5 times each, but all of her babies were born healthy and are still alive today. In contrast, only one of my babies survived. [I also have a stepdaughter whom I'm raising).
My sister wanted 4 and got 5. I wanted 2 (from my womb) and got 1. Sometimes I feel like 'she got mine'.
This all sounds silly and childish, but I'm speaking my honest truth. It would tear me apart if I ever found out she was pregnant again (though they're totally not TTC -- they've had enough, and she's 46).
So many other parts of my grief I have shifted completely through (it's been a while since my last m/c), but I am still stuck in the jealousy of others mode. I get so jealous when I see families with more than one child. [This might sound strange, but to explain: my stepdaughter is 12 years older than our younger girl -- so they love each other, but they've never been playmates.]
Okay, I'll stop now. I feel better that I finally 'got it out' about my bad dream. I felt too silly to tell DH about it, so thank heaven for this board. I'm about to bravely 'click' on the 'submit' button, and then there'll be no turning back!
Thanks for being my sounding board, and thank you all for my recovery.
I agree that jealousy is normal. I think this jealousy is even worse between siblings, and even WORSE than that between sisters. I can totally relate to your feeling that your sister got her own share of happiness AND yours. And it doesn't mean that you love your sister less or that you have any ill will toward her. It's natural to compare your experiences and to feel injustice when things don't match up.
I'm glad you came here to vent. My DH is separated from his siblings by 10 years, so he doesn't understand the tensions I have with my sister either. But I assure you that they are not silly. Vent any time you want.
Grief is one screwed up process, I think it's normal to feel whatever you're feeling!
I just had a dream the other night that my friend with new twins was pregnant AGAIN with twins!!! And I was driving with her in her car when her water broke. Although, it "broke" when her stomach ripped open and the fluid started gushing out while she was driving!! So weird, and I was SO jealous during that dream since I didn't think she "deserved" another two kids!!
Well, I haven't had dreams about my sisters or friends having babies, but I do have a friend who is having a baby in real life. I am jealous of her, but I don't let it get in the way of our friendship. I hope that your jealousy doesn't bother you too much. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm jelous too right now. Especially of my pregnant sister in law. She's due this summer and I can't even look at her facebook profile pic without hating myself for how much I'm not liking her right now. I'm jelous of all my friends who had babies already (and I'm ticked off at the ones who had them too young and don't treat them right). I'm just so mad sometimes. I hate people sometimes and other times, I'm so happy for them. It's a strange time for me. I know how you feel. I've never felt so unjustly mean towards people before and I'm hoping it goes away soon.
Im so sorry hun, I can completely understand how you feel. I am living your nightmare. My sister is pg with number 4 right now, and I find it soooooooo hard and I am so jealous. I feel silly for feeling this way but I just cant help it, I cant be around her at the moment. She found out she was pg on the day or my d & c and every day reminds me of what I dont have. So dont worry I am sure your feelings are completely normal, just a stage of grief we have to go through.