Bad night lastnight....

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deedeew80's picture
Joined: 11/14/08
Posts: 12
Bad night lastnight....

I had a really bad night lastnight. Why is it that one day I fell absolutely fine and then the next it's like I just can't stop crying! I know coming on here and "talking" to you girls helps a lot, but I really wish there was someone in my family or a friend I could talk to that understands what I'm going through. Everyone thinks I'm over it and have moved on. I think even my husband thinks that. I'm usually fine during the day, it's when I go to sleep at night, when my mind starts going. Lastnight I had to go lock myself in the bathroom & just cry! I do accept what happened to my baby and I understand I can and will get pregnant again. But just the thought of ever having to go through this again scares the heck out of me! Ever since I started talking about having children, my biggest fears were not being able to get pregnant or having something go wrong with the pregnancy. Now, here I am, facing one of those fears! Now all I think about is what if I can't get pregnant? What if I get pregnant but just can't carry? What if.......?? It's never ending. Will this ever get better? I know the Drs say don't TTC until you are emotionaly ready, but what if I really do want to TTC but am going to be emotional about it either way. I'm not sure if I will ever be emotionally ready! When I do get pregnant again, it's def going to be emotional for me. I think it would be for anyone. Am I right? Well, thanks for listening to me vent yet again! You girls are great! Smile

Joined: 01/25/02
Posts: 2023

Aw hugs danielle. I have bad nights too, and I had quite a few terrible nights where I would cry silent tears in bed or come downstairs and cry and cry while I watched miscarriage and loss videos on youtube (probably not the healthiest thing to do, but I needed to know I was not the only one experiencing such pain). My dh thought I was over it too until one day I had to send him an email to let him know how terrible I was really doing (just could not do it in person) He was shocked, he said, "I thought it was something sad that happened a while ago". It is just not the same for them. I did have a few ppl I could talk to, but nothing made me feel as comforted as posting here and on ttcal.

Pregnancy and miscarriage scares the heck out of both dh and I, terribly. But I know we are both ready. I think that being pregnant again will be an emotional rollercoaster, but also one that we have to ride, ya know.

Hugs and ventr anytime!

Joined: 11/14/08
Posts: 105

:bigarmhug:

Nights were the hardest time of day for me too. Have you checked to see if there was a support group in your area? DH and I attended one and that helped me go through the grieving process. I lost my baby 2 months ago and I still think about it everyday but time has helped me to heal and be able to handle it and move on with life. I hope time helps you heal too!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I think once you lose a baby you lose your innocence. We know what bad things can happen now. The nights are bad b/c you have nothing to do and your mind start to think all kinds of things. It is ok to cry, I still do sometimes.
Hang in there!

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm glad you wrote in here about your thoughts and feelings. I think it's one of the most healing things to do: to get it out of our system to caring people who understand. Yes, it's tough when it's in faceless cyberspace, but maybe you can also find a local group (I'd start by asking at the hospital, or YWCA, etc) or perhaps a grief counsellor for one-to-one. I met with a grief counsellor and it was very healing.

I also find it extremely helpful to write in my journal / diary when my mind is racing. What happens is really interesting: since my hand can not keep up with my head, journalling actually slows my thoughts down (because the hand must work at the same pace). Honest!

Hang in there, hun. Your thoughts and feelings are normal (hope it helps to know that). We all understand, and we're going to help you through this.

Bear hugs,
Nicole

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