I am so mad right now. My husband and I just got in a little argument. He said that he didn’t understand why I am so emotional. That miscarriage is very common and we (I) need to stop crying, forget it ever happened, and get on with my life. Keep in mind it has only been not even 3 weeks since we found out. I am so mad…. I think my “over emotions” are just beginning too. I am starting to see pregnant people everywhere and it is really getting to me. He brought home a movie for us to watch last night, Mel Gibson’s Apocalypse. It is a good movie, but has anyone seen it? Men, women, children dying- families being torn apart, and the main character’s wife…. Yep, pregnant! Even gives birth while almost drowning. He wouldn’t even cuddle with me while we watched it. He sits on one side of the couch; I sit way over on the other. I try cuddling with him and he tells me I am “hurting him.” He doesn’t understand that I really NEED extra cuddling right now… But I guess it is just me, right? I mean, I am being WAY over emotional. Because everyone goes through this, right? I just need to forget about it and move on…. (ok the last few sentences were me being sarcastic.)
He has wanted to have a baby for the last year!! It took us 7 months of trying to actually get pregnant. I was pregnant for 11 weeks. 11 weeks that I thought about this child every day. One year that I planned for it to come. And now I am supposed to pretend it never happened! I know 11 weeks isn’t a long time. But that was 78 days, 1872 hours, 112 320 minutes that I thought about this child being alive and growing. I thought about breastfeeding, him beginning to walk, first day of kindergarten, HS graduation. I planned all of it…. And now it is gone…. And now I SHOULD forget?? I don’t know if I can forgive him for saying this. He is the one I am supposed to lean on. My mother has already decreased contact with me since all this began. I am in a foreign country…. I feel so alone…… and now I am ashamed for feeling anything.
More than anything, I want to let you know that I am so sorry for all that you've been through! We fall in love with those babies the minute we know they are there (sometimes, long before that) and 11 weeks is a lifetime for you.
3 weeks, on the other hand, is nothing when you are dealing with such a loss. You aren't even recovered yet physically and those wacky hormones really take a toll. Make time for yourself to recover, no matter what anyone else thinks!
I know that the way your husband reacted was incredibly painful. Men tend to deal with these things in a completely different way than we do and that sometimes feels like they just don't understand. Please know that we are here for you to lean on anytime you need us!
Moderator of the pregnancy and infant loss support board
I agree, that men def deal with loss is a very different way....I am not saying he is right in the way he is treating this. That said...It may be his way of running from the pain/reality of what has happened, you know?
Regarding your husbands comments about miscarriage? How it is *common* and you should *forget it happened*... ? I dislike the word *miscarriage* because I think the word implies...imo, that our children were *less then* some how....I think this is the way most in the world view the meaning of a miscarriage. I think that if maybe it were explained to your husband that a miscarriage is when a women goes into EARLY LABOR, and delivers her 5,6,7,8,9,11,12 etc week old baby!! and YES, if able, will even hold her child in her hands (which I have done!) ..he may see things differently! (if his views regarding early loss happens to be the issue) I don't know....I just know I prefer the word *early loss*
Hang in there..I am hoping he comes around...I know how badly you must need him right now
Men simply don't process loss the same way we do. But I have to say I feel like he might be in a bit of denial. I might be wrong, but it's only 3 weeks since and he seems to be trying to "force" healing persay.
There is NOTHING wrong with what you are feeling and what you are needing. I would either ask him to see some of the posts here to realize how long and hard it is to start to heal from our losses. Or maybe take some books out of the library that might help him realize that you need to get through this on your own time.
But he needs to understand that you need him right now and that "getting over it" and acting like it "never happened" is not an option. It's more dangerous to you emotionally than it is to face it, feel the pain and then being able to move on. To pretend that there is no pain is just crazy.
Sweetheart I am so sorry you are facing this now on top of your pain. Know that we all here are thinking of you and none of us think you are being over emtional. You are being totally normal and you are grieving.
The other ladies are right. Our Tessa died 80 days ago. I am just getting to a place where I can function, behave (normally), and look forward to the future. James (DH) is depressed. I think he spent so much time worrying about me and steering me thru the waves of grief that he didn't get to grieve. Now, he has a hard time doing any of the things he used to enjoy. He is seeing someone on Tuesday to talk and possibly get a mild antidepressant.
James made this huge deal of saying he wasn't grieving, that he was moving on last month. I think that he thought if he said it enough, it would be true.
Also, I have found that it is completely normal for couples to have horrible fights after this kind of loss. Please see it for what it is....only tension relief. Both of you love each other, you made this beautiful life with your love, now it is gone....and it hurts both of you...men are "trained" to react differently. They are supposed to "suck it up", not cry, "be a man"....but their dreams and hopes died too....Please, please try to see this for what it is...and it is normal grieving for him. Let him be sad, mad, or in a funk...just keep the door open to communicate later. I have found that using "I" statements help.
"I" felt hurt when you said....can you help me understand? is the best one I have used to open the talking door.
Let us know how it goes...you AND he did nothing wrong.
I am very sorry for your loss. Without excusing your husband for how he has behaved, you must be able to see that this is not the sort of person he normally is? And surely it is his weird way of dealing with his grief that is making him seem so cold? I know my DH didn't want to "dwell" on thinking about it, although he was reminded of it constantly. Guys just have different ways of doing things and unfortunately they can seem downright mean to us.
Having said that, there is no 'right' way to grieve, and certainly at only 3 weeks out, you have every right to give in to any emotion you are feeling, and if that is feeling sad at seeing any baby or pregnant woman or movies featuring children, you are entitled to that. That is just being emotional, not OVER emotional. If you bottle things up to appear "over it", you will be making things worse, because you NEED to grieve and as women, that involves showing our emotions.
I hope you and your husband are able to talk things through and get to a place where you can both grieve as you need to.
Sometimes men just don't understand what a woman goes through. From the moment you conceive, you have dreams and expectations for this child. Allow yourself time to greive and don't let anyone tell you to "get on with it".