Bye, bye baby (loss ment)

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woooaaahhhh's picture
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Bye, bye baby (loss ment)

Around 8am Thursday, we were admitted to the hospital.
Shortly after, I had an exam that was the worst pain I ever felt in my freaking life, and my induction was started.
My mom flew up from Florida and showed up around 2. That was a life saver.

To make a long story short, the baby was born silently at 3:37am. We took the advice from the board to heart. We gave him his father's name. Matthew Peter Jr. He was 1 pound 2.4 oz. and was 10 3/4 inches long. We also held him. He looked just like me. His tiny little lips looked exactly like mine. He had my nose...my tiny chin...and daddys long fingers. Matt and I both have 2nd toes that are longer than our first, so we HAD to look at his toes. His 2nd was most definitely longer. I had Matt and my mom leave me with him so I could have some time to mourn alone.
I didnt cry after he came. In fact, I didnt cry until posting this update. I really am ok. I thought I would be much worse off then I am...but this isnt an ordinary loss. I didnt just wake up one day and lose my baby. I had time to think about it and prepare myself. While I am terribly sad, I am also so thankful I was able to let my baby go in peace.
We donated his body to Boston Childrens hospital so they could do more research on the condition. I also donated his cord blood and some of my blood for a separate study on the condition. My loss could change the world, and will no doubt help other parents not have to go through this. Thats where I get my peace.
The nurse I had at night was an evil bitch. She was extremely insensitive, rude, and just bitchy. We all hated her.
Um what else....I got an epidural. In fact, I got three of them bc the girl didnt know what she was doing apparently. My back hurts like hell bc its so bruised from being poked so much.
Matt is doing well. He was amazing at the hospital. He was so nice to me. I was puking all night bc I had so much morphine in my system, and he was cleaning up after me and just being sweet.
Less than three hours after having the baby, I was discharged. I would have left earlier if I could have felt my legs. I just wanted to be at home.
Now the worst thing is just getting used to not being preggo again. My belly feels hollow. If I push out my tummy as far as I can, its still so small...and I was sporting an impressive bump.
I miss him terribly already...I miss feeling him kicking my laptop if I put it on my belly.
The nurse said to stay on BC for the next three months bc I'm so fertile. I dont understand that. I want to get pg again asap. She said I have a higher risk of m/c if I get pg again soon, but I dont see how that makes sense??

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Oh, Starr.... :bigarmhug:

I'm glad you came back and let us know how you're doing. (I hope you don't mind me posting here.)

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LURKER

Starr,
I am crying at reading your story, and I am so profoundly sorry for everything you've gone through. I am also so inspired and in awe of you for having the capacity at such an emotional time to think of others and donate his body and cord blood. I think, if you don't mind me saying so, that it is a tremendous thing that you did and in a way it honors him by hopefully some good coming from this terrible tragedy. You are amazing.

I don't know anything about the fertile/mc thing after a loss like this, but maybe your ob/gyn can shed some light on this and clear things up.

:bighug: Thank you for your update

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I've been thinking for the past few days about the beauty and light that just SHINES through the pictures that you have posted of yourself on the boards, and how that seems to reflect what an incredible woman you are. I'm sure Mathew Jr. was beautiful too...he had to be. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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Starr-
Can I just say that you are such an amazing woman and mother? You are so strong. Thank you for telling us about Matthew Jr. and again I am sorry that you had to experience your loss.

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Carrie said most everything I wanted to say better than I could have.

Mathew Jr. has touched so many of us. He will be forever in our hearts. I know that doesn't make-up for not having him in your arms, and for that I am so very sorry.

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:bigarmhug:
I've read your story Starr, and my heart goes out to you and your husband. What you've had to endure this past week is so sad

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I am so very sorry for your loss. Your story has touched so many lives, Matthew will be in our hearts forever. :bighug:

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Starr, there are really no words that I can say. I've been thinking of you and I'm glad that you are home now. Sending you lots of hugs.

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You really are amazing to me Starr, I've been following your story & now reading this update & seeing the presence of mind that you have is humbeling to me. What a wonderful husband you have as well, you both are in my thoughts, I am so sorry that you guys had to go through this, and for your loss. Many many hugs!

:bighug:

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:bighug: You are very well loved and respected, Starr. Peace to you, your DH and little Matthew Peter Jr.

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**Lurker**

Starr,

I am so sorry for your loss. But, I wanted to say you are an amazing person. To be able to think of helping others that might be in your situation in the future, at a time like this, is incredible. Thank you.
In answer to your question about waiting to TTC I think that they say to wait to give your body (i.e. uterus, cervix, etc.) time to heal and build up it's lining again to be able to support another pregnancy. I know alot of women who have waited, and I know alot who haven't and have had successful, healthy pregnancies. Thank you for your update, I wish you and your family the best.

Delona

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Starr,

I have been keeping up with your story and I just did not know what to say. I know there is nothing I can do to ease your pain. I am so very sorry for your loss. You are such a strong and brave woman. I cry every time I see your posts and I admire your strength. I hope to have your strength some day. You and Matt are in my thoughts and prayers.

Many hugs,
Melissa

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:bigarmhug:

You are such a strong and inspiring woman Starr. I have you, Matt and Matthew Jr in my thoughts.

As always, thinking of you!

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Starr,
I'm glad you had your moment with your precious son. Matthew was so lucky to have been given you as a mother even the short time he was with you. You have no doubt proven what an inspiring individual you and your husband are and I'm so glad we spent those few months together on the other board. I will be looking for updates from you in the future, but take this time to let your body and your heart heal.

Luv you!

Edited to remove my siggie.

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**lurker**

Starr - Your courageousness and willing to help others is an inspiration. I truly admire that about you. Matthew Jr. is also very proud of his mama.

I am so sorry for your loss.

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:bigarmhug:

Starr, I am so inspired by your strength and courage. It it wonderful that Matthew Jr. will be able to help others, even though he lived for such a short time. You are a wonderful mommy and I admire you.

Kristin

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I am so glad you were able to spend some time with Matthew, you are definately one of the strongest people i "know". I am very sorry for your loss and again i hope soon you will be able to rejoin us with the great news of another little one :bigarmhug:

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Starr..

I am so happy you decided to take some of the advice given on this board.... :comfort:

I am so sad that your Matthew had to suffer from this terrible heart condition Sad ...That you had to make this unthinkable choice... Sad

Give yourself some time.....I know you had a good cry while typing your update...But there will be many more to follow, as your loss continues to sink in, as the days go by..

As far as ttc again?? You can have your levels checked in about 3 weeks or so to make sure they are back in order....You can also have an ultrasound to check your lining after first AF, maybe around the 3rd week, to make sure it is thickening up properly...If all looks good, I would say you are fine to go....But of course, what your doc says...goes. Get a few opinions though..

Now?? take the time that I know you will need to continue to grieve...And when those really hard days hit... and they will....Please, come here and post.....As this board is full of wonderful, supportive ladies..

Marie

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Starr, I rarely cry at things I read on the boards, but you guys and your precious Matthew have touched me so deeply. I am once again so sorry for everything you've all had to go through. You are an amazing person! :comfort:

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I'm so glad you feel 'alright' and are coping well. Just know that you dont have to cope and if you feel like having a big cry anytime whether it's now or in a few days or a few weeks dont worry, just do it.

Scott and I used to talk about our 'big cry's'. Like, i'd say while you were at work today i had a big cry. Or we'd get upset a little and then say oh, okay that was just a little cry. Smile

It sounds like Matt is going to be a rock for you, which is great. Men and women do sometimes grieve in completely different ways, but as long as you maintain open communication and dont be afraid to break down on him, that's a good thing.

Reading your birth story makes me so sad, but i am so glad you spent time with your little man. Matthew, i'm sure will have been gorgeous because the two of you are lookers for sure. Wink Isnt it funny how you notice the details, like the longer toe thing? I noticed that Zane has a long filtrum(sp?) - the bit of skin between your lips and nose. Scott has that too, but i never mentioned it to him because i didnt want to upset him. Those little things upset me sometimes when i think of them, but on the other hand they make me smile sometimes.

You did have a lovely bump, and it will feel empty and just wrong for a while. I dont know why they said about going on BC for a few months. I'll tell you what my doctor said to me about trying again and maybe it might help?

At our 6 week post partum check up i explained that we were keen to try again as soon as i was physically able. I asked how long i was to wait and the doctor said 6 months. I asked if that period of time was for physical or emotional healing and he said it was purely for emotional healing. He explained that even though i'd had a c-section, with the type of incision i had i would be fine to start trying again straight away. So, since you had a vaginal delivery i dont see why they would say you had to wait 3 months.

PREG MENT

Now, dont get me wrong, i am glad we waited a while. We had an oops in the third month, but i wasnt pregnant and the next month we started trying again. Then we didnt get pregnant until 6 months after i gave birth. Then i could totally see why they recommended a 6 month wait for emotional healing. You know what i was like - everything worried the living crap out of me and i ended up having bleeding and fluid leakage etc., which just made me worry more. That being said though i'm glad we didnt wait longer and for me, being pregnant again was the best healer.

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Starr, I am so sorry for your loss hun. I was on the Dec 07 board with you, I too, had a loss. I'm sorry you had to find your way over here.

I'm so glad that you get to spend time with Matthew Jr, I'm sure he was so precious. You are an amazing woman and you are going to be a unbelieveable mother. The strength that you have is so great.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather

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Starr I am so glad you held Matthew and met him. I know it's a hard thing to do but you will remember those moments and cherish them forever. What a wonderful person you are to have donated so much to help others. I'm sure it will give you some comfort to know you will of helped someone out of your own suffering.

On the TTC (Preg ment)

Now I know my opinion was not asked but I just need to share this with you. My son was born at 27 weeks in August of last year. He passed away Sept 3rd after fighting and infection and us deciding to take him off life support. All I wanted after the initial numbness wore off was another baby. It consumed my every thought. I got pregnant again in December. I honestly don't think I gave myself time to mourn. This has been a long painful road and I was at even higher risk because I got pregnant so soon after. I didn't give my body a chance to really heal. Now lots of people get pregnant again right after having another baby but there is a difference between going full term and having a healthy baby and having a baby early induced or otherwise and going through the emotional aftermath of the death of our children. Now I don't know if I would of went on birth control but I would of not tried so hard to get pregnant so soon.

Like I said I know you didn't ask for any opinions but wanted to share that with you. Others may disagree.

Please take some time to heal and know there will always be some set backs some hard days. That feeling of your belly being empty and not feeling those kicks are hard. Around my due date about 2 1/2 months after Jeremiah died I would still feel phantom movements and my stomach would contract. Know we're all here for you whenever you need us.

:bighug:
Sheena

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Oh Starr, I don't even know what to say. Nothing seems right, you know? I have thought a lot about you, your Dh, and your sweet baby even though I don't "know" you. I am so sad about what you are going through but I also think it's wonderful you got to hold & see little Matthew.

You and Matt are amazing parents. :comfort:

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Starr, your strength amazes me, you have dealt with your loss with maturity beyond your years, I know you are and will be a fantastic mother.

I am really pleased you got to spend time with Matthew Jr, to hold him and love him. It sounds like Matt is a very loving, supportive partner. I can't thanks you enough for donating to research, you are truely a wonderful woman.

:bighug:

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I am so glad you got to meet Matthew and spend some time with him. You are an amazingly strong and inspiring woman and mother.

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Thank you for updating us. I think you and Matt are amazing people and the best parents little Matthew could have asked for. I'm awestruck by your donations. That was such an unselfish, wonderful thing to do. I hope it helps others in the future, though I'm sorry you had to suffer a loss to make it possible.

I'm so glad you got to spend time with him. As hard as it's going to be for you, those moments will seem a blessing, I'm sure. Give yourself time to grieve, but as long as you are physically fit, don't worry what other people think. If you're ready sooner than others feel is appropriate, screw 'em!

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:lurk: Starr - I am glad that you took the advice of the others here who had been through this and held Matthew and took the time to see in him each of you. My cousin lost her baby Zoe at 31 weeks last August and she is thankful she took the time, so I am in tears over your change of herat.

You continue to amaze me with your stength and compassion. Donating the cord blood, your blood and his body WILL make a difference and for that you can forever be proud.

I know they had my cousin go back on BCP for at least 3 months in order for her to heal mentally and physically, but she had also developed gallstones because of the pg and needed to have those taken care of before getting pg again.

My thoughts continue to be with you, Matt and baby Matthew.

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Oh Starr! I'm so not good at words...but please know that my thoughts are with you and Matt and for little Matthew everyday. Take all the time that you need to heal, and please allow yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. When you are ready to come back we'll all be here for you. Hopefully there is another little beanie in your close future for you.

:bighug:

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Starr - you have shown so much strength and touched the lives of way more people than you can ever know.

I wish nothing but best wishes for you and your husband during this time.

Take time to heal and know that you have the support of so many people.

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I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this - there are no words.

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Starr...ive talked to you just a few times on different boards...and i have read some of your recent posts...i just want to say what a great mother you are....you are an amazing women...its great to hear that donating has given you peace and i will def be watching the boards to see how you make out...best wishes...and thank you

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You are in my thoughts hun. If you feel you are ready to try again so soon the do it. I got pgmy third baby a month after having my second. I hope your doing ok.

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Starr, you've been in my thoughts all week. I'm glad to hear that the last moments with your son were peaceful and I'm so glad you decided to hold him.

You did a very heroic thing donating his remains. I hope it brings you peace, knowing you could be helping another family whose baby suffers from the same condition. You are so brave.

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:bigarmhug: Starr I'm sorry for the loss of your son. You are a wonderful mother - I'm at a loss of words right now.

((((((((Big HUGS!)))))))))

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through, Starr...you've posted on boards I lurk, so you don't know me, but I've seen what a wonderful, funny and supportive person you are. Matthew sounds like a perfect little boy, and is lucky he is your son.

Wishing you strength...

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:bigarmhug:
Wonderful thing you did by allowing them to use his body to help others. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

BLP
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I am so sorry Starr.

When I had my loss the doctor told me to wait also. I just did not want to wait AT ALL!! I was devestated and just wanted to be pg again right away. My doctor said that there is a higher instance of m/c if you get pg right away after a m/c. I don't even know if that is true or not because I have read some different opinions on that.

I was on the Dec.07 boards too and when you are ready, come by the TTCAL boards, there are actually a few girls there from Dec.07.

I think your strength and courage is truly amazing and not only in the way you helped others with your donations of blood AND Mathew. But you have taught all of us alot on these boards.

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:bighug: I'm so glad you and Matt we able to spend time with baby Matthew. I agree with the pp's that donating his body to research is a gift beyond words. I know they really do put those donations to good use and many of our modern day miracles are possible only b/c others have made the same gift. You have proven all over again what a wonderful and selfless person you are. I hope you and Matt were able to find some peace in all you've been through the last couple weeks and that your son's gift and the time you spent with him will help you through the hard times.

:bighug:

Much love~
Megan

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**Lurker**

I'm so glad to see your update, Starr. I wasn't sure when you'd be ready to come back to the boards. We've all been thinking about you. There were 267 candles burning for you Thursday and yesterday.

I'm glad you decided to hold your baby. I hope those memories bring you some kind of joy; if not now, then one day.

It is just wonderful that you decided to donate Matthew's body and cord blood. You are such an amazing, strong, kind, thoughtful woman. I truly admire you and I'm so sorry you had to go through this ordeal.

I'm happy that you're feeling strong and finding peace, but don't be afraid to let go if you need to. As for the bc for 3 months, I know a lot of women are told they shouldn't get pregnant for a cycle or to after m/c, abortion, or birth. I think your body just needs a time to adjust before it's ready to be pregnant again. I also understand your wanting to get pregnant again. I hope whatever happens on that front that you and Matt find peace and happiness.

You've been in my thoughts and will continue to be.

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Hey Starr,
I really wanted to hear how it went for you, thanks for posting about this experience. What a wonderful thing to think of the other women in the world that could be spared this pain by donating Matthew's body and your own blood. I wish the best for you as you try to conceive again, you're gonna be alright hun, but you are still in my thoughts every day.
-Mary Catherine

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Starr, I wish I could give you a hug IRL.
:bighug:

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Star, my thoughts are with you and Matt. :bighug:

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I'm not very good at knowing the right thing to say. So, I just wanted to say what I said before- we're thinking of you & your family and I'm so proud of your strength!

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Starr,
You are very courageous, I am glad you held your son, you will continue to be in my thoughts.
Much Love
Sarah

Edited to remove siggy, sorry :oops:

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lurker from Nov.06 board..

Starr,
I am crying reading your update. I am in awe of your strength and courage. You are an amazing person and I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you continue to feel at peace and know your actions and your child may just save someone else. Take care,

Sharon

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:bighug:

What a wonderful thing you have done to donate your little angel's body and your blood to help research this condition. What a thoughtful thing to do.
I am glad you decided to hold him as well.

:bighug:
You are a strong woman.

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:bighug: Wish it could be a real hug!

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Starr,you are an amazing woman and mother. I really don't know what to say. All 3 of you have been on my mind all week. I hope you are able to find some sort of peace.

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Starr, you have been in my thoughts for the last few days. I hope that you are doing well physically. I know what you mean about doing "alright", but don't worry if you have what Sarah called a "big cry" later on. I know after my loss the pain would hit me suddenly at odd times for a while.
I also wanted to say I admire your strength and selflessness, in donating Matthew's body and your own blood. I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that you have given something so priceless to help others.
:bigarmhug:

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Starr,
Thank you for being such an inspiration! Your thoughfulness of others in this difficult time is truly amazing. Your kindness may lead to scientific breakthroughs that prevent anyone else from experiencing the same pain. I wish you and your family peace and strength during this difficult time.
Katie

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