Around 8am Thursday, we were admitted to the hospital.
Shortly after, I had an exam that was the worst pain I ever felt in my freaking life, and my induction was started.
My mom flew up from Florida and showed up around 2. That was a life saver.
To make a long story short, the baby was born silently at 3:37am. We took the advice from the board to heart. We gave him his father's name. Matthew Peter Jr. He was 1 pound 2.4 oz. and was 10 3/4 inches long. We also held him. He looked just like me. His tiny little lips looked exactly like mine. He had my nose...my tiny chin...and daddys long fingers. Matt and I both have 2nd toes that are longer than our first, so we HAD to look at his toes. His 2nd was most definitely longer. I had Matt and my mom leave me with him so I could have some time to mourn alone.
I didnt cry after he came. In fact, I didnt cry until posting this update. I really am ok. I thought I would be much worse off then I am...but this isnt an ordinary loss. I didnt just wake up one day and lose my baby. I had time to think about it and prepare myself. While I am terribly sad, I am also so thankful I was able to let my baby go in peace.
We donated his body to Boston Childrens hospital so they could do more research on the condition. I also donated his cord blood and some of my blood for a separate study on the condition. My loss could change the world, and will no doubt help other parents not have to go through this. Thats where I get my peace.
The nurse I had at night was an evil *****. She was extremely insensitive, rude, and just *****y. We all hated her.
Um what else....I got an epidural. In fact, I got three of them bc the girl didnt know what she was doing apparently. My back hurts like hell bc its so bruised from being poked so much.
Matt is doing well. He was amazing at the hospital. He was so nice to me. I was puking all night bc I had so much morphine in my system, and he was cleaning up after me and just being sweet.
Less than three hours after having the baby, I was discharged. I would have left earlier if I could have felt my legs. I just wanted to be at home.
Now the worst thing is just getting used to not being preggo again. My belly feels hollow. If I push out my tummy as far as I can, its still so small...and I was sporting an impressive bump.
I miss him terribly already...I miss feeling him kicking my laptop if I put it on my belly.
The nurse said to stay on BC for the next three months bc I'm so fertile. I dont understand that. I want to get pg again asap. She said I have a higher risk of m/c if I get pg again soon, but I dont see how that makes sense??
I am crying at reading your story, and I am so profoundly sorry for everything you've gone through. I am also so inspired and in awe of you for having the capacity at such an emotional time to think of others and donate his body and cord blood. I think, if you don't mind me saying so, that it is a tremendous thing that you did and in a way it honors him by hopefully some good coming from this terrible tragedy. You are amazing.
I don't know anything about the fertile/mc thing after a loss like this, but maybe your ob/gyn can shed some light on this and clear things up.
I've been thinking for the past few days about the beauty and light that just SHINES through the pictures that you have posted of yourself on the boards, and how that seems to reflect what an incredible woman you are. I'm sure Mathew Jr. was beautiful too...he had to be. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your loss.
You really are amazing to me Starr, I've been following your story & now reading this update & seeing the presence of mind that you have is humbeling to me. What a wonderful husband you have as well, you both are in my thoughts, I am so sorry that you guys had to go through this, and for your loss. Many many hugs!