Call from the funeral home... :(

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Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852
Call from the funeral home... :(

Well, I was dreading this. The baby's remains were sent out for study, and now they've been sent back to our hospital. I had arranged (while I was in hospital having the D&C) that the remains go to the funeral home to be cremated. Just talking to them (they were SO great), they mentioned that because the baby was so small, there may be hardly any ashes at all. I'm wondering if we should even bother? The hospital will incerate the remains, but that freaks me out. I'm totally torn on what to do, so much that I don't even want to deal with it at all!

I do kind of want something of my LO, but at the same time, maybe we should just make our own memorial?

Of course I'll ask SO his preference, but I'm not looking forward to that conversation either.

This SUCKS!!!!! I was doing ok, until this. Next I have to prepare for the results and going back into the Dr's office, which USED to be a happy place is now a freakin' horrible reminder of what happened.

On top of this - I have a friend, who is a great friend but a little nosy at times. I'm very private and prefer NOT to talk about things. Or at least not to "overtalk" about them. She keeps asking if we got any results yet (about the cause of the m/c) and I'm getting sick of answering. Then I mentioned the remains being sent back here (which I didn't tell her before) and she asked what we were going to do, if we were going to have a ceremony, invite friends, etc. That was WAY too intrusive and I thought "it's none of your flipping business" and told her "No, we are not having anything, if we do it'll be private" and she stopped, but it is TOO painful to talk about. I guess I should tell her that eh? Or am I being wayyyy too sensitive??

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I'm sorry for your loss.
My brother and SIL lost twin boys at 23 weeks. They had them cremated. They had a service and a small casket in the church with tons of friends.
Come spring, they lost the babies around Christmas, they buried them. They bought side by side plots. They buried the babies in my brothers plot. Terri figure she carried them for 23 weeks, Chris could carry them forever.

Go with your gut. Do not let others tell you what you feel is right or wrong. It was you baby.

tina_haley_n_beanz_mommy's picture
Joined: 11/14/06
Posts: 212

Im sorry hun. You are not over reacting.

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

I agree with the posters above: you are NOT over reacting, and I also think you and DH should go with your 'gut instinct'.

As for your friend, if I were you I'd try to find a way to tell her that I'd rather not discuss it so much -- maybe by a letter or a card? If she's doing this in order to deal with her own grief, I sincerely welcome her here to this website -- we can help her too. You shouldn't have to be shouldering this.

The fact is that you are NOT responsible for her reaction to your loss, nor to your current dilemma. Her feelings and thoughts are for HER to deal with, and you shouldn't have to concern yourself with them. Please invite her here -- we'll help her, and it will take the pressure off of you.

We care about you, and we're here for you.

Love,
Nicole

nurseapril's picture
Joined: 01/25/07
Posts: 48

I agree with everyone. You have to do what you feel in your heart is right and nevermind anyone else. We're always here to listen.

:bighug:

April

Joined: 03/16/15
Posts: 53852

Thanks so much you guys - it really hit me hard yesterday. Nicole, I'm not sure why my friend is asking me about it so much. I know she cares, but she is also one of those people who doesn't immediately get other peoples boundaries. I will let her know, and just say something like I'm not ready to talk about it and she'll probably stop asking and wait for me to bring it up. I just can't bear to talk about it in the open yet.

Joined: 10/05/06
Posts: 40

Stacie,
I am so sorry for your lost. We lost our first baby when I was 20 wks pregnant. We had her remains cremated along with the receiving blanket she was wrapped in. We bought a pendant from the funeral home that is made to carry a very tiny amount of ashes. It's in the shape of a teddy bear. Here's a link to what it looks like: http://theurnstore.com/cherbear.html

I don't plan on wearing it, but it's nice to know that we will always have a part of her with us. Maybe you could do something like this too. I hold the pendant sometimes and feel comforted by being able to hold some little part of my little girl.

shellyhudson's picture
Joined: 01/13/07
Posts: 814

I am so sorry.

Just a thing to consider.....have the LO cremated and have the ashes placed in a memorial locket. It can be worn or not as you decide.

I am so very sorry that you have to have all of those feelings dreged back up.

Shelly

CamelNoodle's picture
Joined: 07/28/04
Posts: 908

:bigarmhug:

s/b ment

We lost our son at 30 weeks and he was 5lbs 2 oz and the amount of remains was very very tiny. It was actually hard to accept.

I think the hardest thing I've done in my life was go to the funeral home and pick out a container for his ashes. No parent should ever have to do it.

Thinking about you during this difficult time.
Janel