My mum called tonight to tell me my sister is 7 weeks pregnant. I honestly swear that my heart actually stopped beating for a moment with the shock and upset. Its my mums birthday tomorrow and we are all supposed to be going for dinner. I told her i just cant face it. I have not seen my sister or brothers since my loss. None of them called or came to visit (not even after my d & c) I was already nervous enough about going tomorrow, as I knew if they tried to cuddle me etc it would just make me mad as its 2 weeks too late!!. My mum thinks im being selfish not going tomorrow, like im being silly and should be over it by now (its been 2.5 weeks since my d & c - this has only just begun!!) How can they all be so insensitive? Im not the one being selfish, im hurting so bad, and no one cares at all. Now I have been made to feel guilty for not going to mums b-day, and for not being over the moon for my sisters happy news ( I should add she has 3 children, one of whom is 14 and an alcoholic with so many issues, she split with their dad 12 months ago, and is now pregnant by her new boyfriend) I know none of that really matters but she does not really bother at all with the children she has. They are never at school, always drinking and smoking, and running away from home. Her boyfriend and her have not a penny to their name, and live off of benefits. It just makes me feel like life is so unfair. My Dh and I have been trying for a while, had one early m/c, then tried again, then had m/c and d & c at around 9 weeks, and it feels so unfair. I feel mad, then numb, then sad, and I just dont know what to do with myself. I also feel guilt for not being happy for her. I dont know how ill move past all of this. I have never felt this bad in my life. I took a pregnancy test again this morning and its still positive. The pain of that is just awful, knowing its still from my lost baby.
Sorry for my big long rant, just had to get it out.
** Once again, thank you all for taking the time to respond, and your kind words and support - it means so much right now. I have had a horrible day today. I did not go to my mums for birthday dinner yesterday as I did not want to cause an upset. So arranged to call in tonight with gifts etc. I text her yesterday to see if they all enjoyed dinner etc. I was really upset with the response I got back. She said they had all had a wonderful time, and a really good laugh - did not ask how I was feeling at all. Dont get me wrong, I want her to enjoy her birthday, but I guess I was a little hurt that she was not at all bothered that I was not there. I ended up crying for 2 hours after that text, and have just felt so incredibly low all day. How can they not understand my pain? I have also gotten myself all upset cause our washing machine broke a few days back, and have washing backed up like you would not believe. My Dh ordered a new one and it was supposed to be delivered today. He knows I help out at school on a Thurs morning, (this is the first one I have had the strength to do since d & c) so promised he would be here to collect it in. When I got home there was a card saying we missed delivery. I called and its on the back of a van about 60 miles away and will not be delivered till next week now!!!! I cant manange without a machine and 2 LO's. I cried for ages about this too! My dh got all defensive with me when I told him how cross I was, so now we are barely talking. We are supposed to be going away on Sat, the trip was to help to make me feel a little better after d & c, plus DS and DD really wanted to go. I cant go now with no clean clothes and piles of laundry everywhere. I then cried again when I realised this! Im dreading going to see my mum this evening as I am so upset with her, and all these little things on top of it all just seem to be sending me over the edge. I want to roll up in a little ball till it all goes away and I dont have to deal with it. I really dont have the strength.
I promise you it does get better. Three weeks ago, I couldn't imagine ever feeling any little bit better. But, I do. This is hard, and you need to mourn. Don't go to the party if it is going to make you feel bad. Mostly, don't think about the unfairness of it all. Because, this is NEVER fair. I have to restrain myself from thinking about the 15 million babies aborted annually on a regular basis, because this JUST ISN'T FAIR!!!! Unfortunately thinking about that only makes me more angry.
I'm sorry girl. I hate that you are feeling so bad and that they are treating you this way. I just don't think they get it and no matter what, I think trying to make them understand is only going to make you feel worse at this point.
I agree with the PP; don't go tomorrow if you don't feel up to it! Maybe you could do something else special with your mom to celebrate her bday instead of going out with the whole family tomorrow, like brunch on Sunday or something like that.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I personally wouldn't give a rat's @$$ what anyone thought about my not being there. It is six months since my loss and I am nowhere near being over it. You are not even at one month. Maybe you will eventually be happy for your sister but you are not now. So what? You have experienced the most devastating thing that a mother will ever go through....the loss of her child. I say stay home and take the time that you need.
I have become very cynical in many aspects and if I were in your situation would seriously consider going just because I would be able to voice my opinion about how I was treated. I know that is not the "grown up" way to handle things, but that is just what I would do. Please do what it best for you and only that. You deserve to not be emotionally screwed over just to make someone else happy. I hope that I didn't offend I am just stating my honest opinion.
Sorry you are feeling so bummed out. It sucks to be in our situation. You might want to search the threads for a copy of the email that Amy (Flutterby4) sent to her family and friends. It is so beautifully written and maybe you might want to use it to share with your family.
If you don't want to go then don't. However I like what Shelly had to say about telling your siblings and family how it made you feel tht not one of them called to check in on you after your m/c. Amy's email to her family and friends might help you with your wording. You don't want to turn your mum's b-day into an argument or hostile environment but it might be a good way for you to have them together and explain how you feel. After all not only was it your child but it was their niece or nephew. But the fact still remains that their sister is experiecing pain and they weren't there for you.
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. It has been over 7months since my loss and I am still angry and depressed. I don't think you want to turn your mums birthday into a big thing about you so I don't think you should go, but I do think you need to speak to them about how you felt with them not being there after your d/c. I told my brothers how I needed them and to my surprise they showed up at the memorial service for all lost babies at the hospital. It was only then that I knew they cared. Sometimes people don't know what we need until we tell them.
As far as your sister and her pregnancy, it is going to be hard to be happy at all for her of course deep down you are. You need to do what you feel is right for you at this time in your life. Go with your gut feeling. If family doesn't understand then too bad for them.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I had a loss at 12w5d and found out my sister was pregnant a week later. It hurt so bad it took my breath away. While I can't say I know exactly how you feel, I want you to know that I can relate. It's okay if you don't want to go. You need to give yourself time to heal.
I wouldn't go to the birthday party if I were you. I did not tell my dad or my younger sister, but I told my older sister because I needed a ride to my two doctor's appointments. She was very sympathetic and understanding. She asked me why I didn't tell her that I was pregnant when I found out on January 17. She had a baby in August, and it is hard for me to go over to her house and see her with her baby boy, but I know that she cares about me. No one should expect you to get over your loss so quickly. If they can't, or won't, understand how painful this is, then they don't deserve your presence.
Last edited by StephanieJune; 02-11-2008 at 03:00 PM.
Im so sorry you are having a difficult time with family. They should be more understanding about what you have gone through. Can you go to a laundry mat to get the cothes ready for your trip? A trip would be nice, maybe it will help you feel a aliittle better to get away! I hope you can work it out and still go! GOod luck.